Incorrect Batfamily Quotes - Blog Posts

Jason in the manor for movie night: How'd you convince B to let me in anyways? I thought I wouldn't get an invite till I dropped the real bullets.

Dick busy trying to wrangle Damian away from Tim and Titus away from the snacks: B is really bad at facing the words he throws around ya know? So I told him since it's my fault you died I should be responsible for bringing you home- Tim don't!!!

Jason: B said what!?!?

incorrect batfam

dick: There is no future. there is no past. do you see? Time is simultaneous, an intricately structured jewel that humans insist on viewing one edge at a time, when the whole design is visible in every facet. jason: damian: tim: Everyone Else At dick’s Surprise Birthday Party: jason: All I asked was if you wanted to cut your birthday cake first.

Dick, from another room: Barbara, I swear to GOD I will evescarate you, if you call me that AGAIN!

(Honestly like father like son)

Incorrect Batfam Quotes

Jason: Hey Pixie Boots!

Damian: Call me that again and I will remove your organs in alphabetical order. Any questions?

Jason: Yes, actually. Which alphabet?

Damian: *attacks

Saw this post and did a quick doodle so I remember to draw it later, but then decided this is peak actually. Lmk if anyone wants me to properly draw it

Tim: You look like every girls first mistake

Jason: You look like you remind teachers about homework when the bells about to ring.

Tim: You probably WERE that kid weren't you, nerd?

Jason: Rather be a nerd than illiterate, what's the last book you read, Timmy?

Tim: Fuck you. You look like you eat refrigerator magnets!

Jason: Bitch- you look like you lick unknown substances just to find out what they are!

Tim: That was one time!!

Jason: Little freak!

Bruce: Whoa whoa! What the hell? What are you two arguing about?

Tim: Huh? We aren't arguing?

Jason: We're bondin' go away!

Bruce:

Bruce: ..Okay

Dick: Knowing what to do in an emergency is very important, so I'll teach you some basic first aid procedures. For example, what would you do if I got stabbed?

Damian: Avenge you.

This except like most polyglots they end up knowing certain words and phrases only in particular languages so they've created a weird new bat language. None of them know all of the languages mixed in there fluently. They hear words and understand them but they couldn't tell you which language that word is from.

multilingual batkids. they learn each others languages so they can mix and match. for example:

tim in french: have you figured out how we’re gonna tell b we’re not going to that gala yet?

damian in arabic: no i thought that was thomas’ job?

duke french: me? no jason said he’d do something

jason in arabic: hey don’t drag me into this!

dick in romani: i’m gonna kill him i really i am

steph in russian: who are we killing?

dick in english: ah! nobody! wait i didn’t know you spoke romani

tim in greek: you’re an asshole

jason in english: wait my greek is rusty say it again slowly

tim in greek: you’re an asshole

jason: …. you motherfucker

cass signing: nice drawing

damian in chinese: thank you

dick yelling at bruce about something he did

jason in spanish: what language is he speaking right now?

tim also in spanish: uh all of them i think

jason: does bruce even know-

tim: no he doesn’t

I hate canon Bruce Wayne hitting his kids so how does he discipline them WITHOUT abuse?

(where's that post about how anything can be a punishment if you frame it as one)

———————

Dick: *breaks the chandelier while swinging from it*

Bruce: *hands him a broom*

Dick: Yeah that's fair.

Bruce: Also you have to use the Batman plate at dinner.

Dick: Please no, I hate that plate.

Bruce: You should've thought about that before.

———————

Tim: *logs into the Batcomputer without permission*

Bruce: And what do you think you're doing?

Tim: I know I've been benched but I just need to—

Bruce: Sit.

Tim: *sits down*

Bruce: *puts on The Bee Movie*

Bruce: If you insist on being down here while injured, then you're gonna watch this in its entirety.

———————

Cass: *blinks*

Bruce: And you think that's an excuse?

Cass: *blinks*

Bruce: We're going for a drive and I'm picking the music.

Cass: *blinks*

Bruce: Maybe you'll take this as a lesson.

———————

Jason: *causes a crime scene*

Jason: Go ahead, punish me. I'll still be right.

Bruce: *takes out a marker*

Bruce: *draws a mustache on Jason's helmet*

Bruce: It'll wash off in three weeks.

Jason: WHAT?!

Bruce: Actions have consequences.

———————

Steph: *breaks protocol*

Bruce: Go change your cape in the car.

Steph: That's not fair!

Bruce: That's the rule.

Steph: *grumbles and puts on a cape that's a slightly different shade of purple from the rest of her suit*

———————

Duke: *sneaks in after curfew*

Bruce: *flicks the light on*

Bruce: Do you know what time it is?

Duke: I can explain—

Bruce: Yogurt. Now.

Duke: But I don't want yogurt.

Bruce: I don't care. Go eat a cup of yogurt and think about what you did.

———————

Damian: *drops his fork at dinner*

Damian: Fuck.

Bruce: *pulls out a straw*

Damian: You wouldn't.

Bruce: *takes a sip of Damian's drink*

Damian: I hate this family.

Dick, eating off the Bat-plate: You and me both.

there was a misunderstanding when Jason came back to life but only bcs he decided that he didn’t want to deal with Bruce and all his shit right then so he made a turn on the way to Gotham and decided to start off small by reuniting with Dick in Bludhaven instead. work his way up.

issue is Dick’s been hallucinating Jason for the past 6 months. not even in a particularly sad way, just in a ‘my little brother mocks me from the corners of the room daily and i can’t even do anything about it bcs he’s DEAD’ way. every time he calls hallucination-Jason an asshole the little prick says ‘ok but you didn’t come to my funeral’ and there’s really no good response to that. so when ALIVE Jason shows up in his apartment and in an emotionally constipated attempt to soften the blow of ‘im not dead, surprise!’ decides to just act casual and brotherly without any big displays or anything, Dick… responds in kind.

Jason: oh thank fuck we’re on the same page. no need for crying or annoying long conversations we can just work on. getting used to being a family again. this is ideal.

Dick: hey the asshole hallucination grew up. my subconscious is getting really creative.

Jason stays at Dick’s place for the next few weeks and they both settle into a comfortable cohabitation in which one brother is really relieved that he can focus on calming the Lazarus rage and being a younger brother without any over-emotional displays he isn’t comfortable with, and the other does not know he is living with a real life other person. it’s honestly the most they’ve ever gotten along before.

the realisation only hits when Jason wakes Dick up at 3 in the morning because he couldn’t sleep and made bbq ribs and wanted to know if he wanted any, and Dick in his barely conscious state was like ‘fuck yeah, hallucination ribs i can TASTE!’ and then the next morning he wakes up with sticky fingers and sauce all over his sheets and the dishes they ate off cleaned and put back in the cupboard, and Dick makes the connection of like. there is no way on earth his half asleep mind would even CONSIDER cleaning up the cutlery after eating. but Jason 100% would. which means Jason cleaned up last night. which means the ribs were real and so was he. which means-

holy fucking shit his brother’s alive

Bruce is not impressed when after the eventual big family reunion he asks Dick why the fuck he didn’t tell anybody else that Jason was alive and Dick goes bright red before mumbling ‘well he didn’t want to share his food until week four of living with me….’

what if Damian wasn’t sent to Bruce by Talia and instead decided to do a bit of early child-rebellion by running away to him himself. Talia, pissed off but too busy dealing with uprisings in the league to go track him down herself, calls up the person Damian is most likely to listen to other than her; his brother, who she trusts to keep him safe.

the thing is, Jason is 1: busy with his own missions atm 2: was also once a rebellious little asshole who liked to run away from home. he was Damian’s tutor once, he knows the kid can handle himself and he also knows if he CAN’T handle something he’ll contact Jason for help. he knows this because about a week before Talia called him, Damian called him.

Jason, phone balanced between his ear and shoulder: what do you want, i’m undercover

Damian: i require money for a fake passport.

Jason:

Jason, letting go of the guy he was beating up: alright you have my attention.

Damian: i am running away from home. i wish to do something ‘for the lore’ like the stories you used to tell me as a child.

Jason:

Jason ‘i’m going to ethiopia’ Todd: there’s some stuff in the fake panel under my bed. don’t tell me where you’re going, i don’t want to be complicit when Talia calls. also don’t die, because if you do i’m gonna make you eat dirt once you get out of the pit.

Damian: understood. if i am about to die, i shall call again.

Jason: have fun kiddo.

so Jason tells Talia he’ll ‘keep an eye out for any leads’ and then goes back to his normal business. league missions, his own missions, some outlaw shit, and eventually he ends up crime lording it up in Gotham. he’s a little confused when Tim Drake is seen swinging around as Red Robin rather than just Robin, but he got over his obsession with the Robin shit a while ago, so he ignores it.

until he runs into Batman and Robin. and there isn’t a mask in the fucking world that could hide his kid brother’s face from him.

Red Hood:

Robin:

Red Hood:

Robin:

Batman: why are you two staring at each other like that. what’s happening.

Robin:

Red Hood: *deep sigh*

Robin: are you going to tell mother-

Red Hood: -when you said ‘like the stories i used to tell you’.

Robin: *looks at the floor*

Red Hood: i did NOT think you meant running to a different country to find your birth parent. you fucking COPIER.

Robin:

Robin: …but you made being Robin sound so cool…

Batman: what the fuck are you two talking about?

Red Hood, pointing: you stay out of this, this is family business.

Batman: ????

the closest Bruce and Dick ever came to their identities being revealed was when somebody made a side-by-side comparison of an interview that Dick and Bruce did together and one that Nightwing and Batman did together. in each, Dick is asked if he finds Batman hot, and vice versa Nightwing is asked about Brucie Wayne. synced up, it is eerily identical the way Dick/Nightwing gives a shit eating grin before responding ‘oh i would PAY to sleep with that man’ followed by Bruce/Batman giving the exact same flash-look of horror and delivering a lightning fast smack upside Dick/Nightwing’s head. the clip goes viral online and Dick laughs for months

Bruce as one of those parents who learns one thing about you and then assumes that is your whole personality

Bruce: Happy Birthday, Jason! Open your presents!

Jason: You got me tires. Again.

Bruce: You used to like tires :(

Jason: Yeah, when I was twelve. And I didnt even like them that much back then either!

Bruce: Should I take them back…

Jason: GET YOUR HANDS OFF MY FUCKING TIRES, BRUCIE.

Jason & Dick, finding a dead body on patrol:

Jason:

Jason: b-

Dick, holding up a finger: don't you DARE say 'been there done that'

Jason: you can't tell me what to do, you didn't even come to my funeral!

Dick: I was in SPACE

Jason: and I was in the GROUND

the reason I hate the "Tim doesn't trust Dick after Damian/spyral/ric" is because they are besties your honour.

Like there's a post going around that I cannot for the life of me find that says Dick is Tims trusted adult and they are so right fr ong.

Because despite what Fanon believes Dick is a pretty chill guy and people take one look at him and go "let me unload my emotional baggage on you"

There's like a very famous panel (that im too lazy to find or remember the name of the run its in okay don't yell at me) where Tim basically goes "soooo my girlfriends pregnant" and Dick nearly falls off the roof.

Tim is calling Dick for the dumbest shit imaginable to the world ending and so are the rest of the batkids.

so I have taken the Canon that Dick knows if not all but most and generalised it to hell.

-------------------------

Jason has been on a team with like 80% of OG titan members

they're having gossip session

Jason in a war zone dodging bullets with his bat travel mug in his hand: And THEN! Kori and Roy shared this look and you know the look they give you when they're judging you for bat reasons and you're like tell me why you're mad I was raised by a crazy person my normal levels are skewed.

Dick in NYC with a blueberry bagel In one hand, his Turkish coffee in another, just finished meeting up with Donna who gave him THAT exact look: No REALLLLL why are they like that, just tell me which one of the creepy traits I internalised as a child is bothering you.

Jason: omg you get it anyway so I grab the bomb and start playing soccer with it because its round and im bored and starfire takes it away like idk what im doing? bro ive been bombed I know how to work with a bomb..

Dick: hmmm and then what happened

Jason: and then.....

--------------------------

Tim: Dickkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkk

Dick: yea Tim

Tim: Kon is being a dick

Dick: oh?

Tim: yeah and its really starting to bother me man

Dick who knows Kon is dead and Tim is either hallucinating or drugged to be more susceptible to manipulation and is already on his way: hmm tell me more babybird whys he upsetting my lil brother

Tim about to tell Dick what is a fever dream bc he contracted pneumonia and is loopy off his ass on painkillers:

---------------------------

steph does this more with babs in the hero scene but its just... so easy and totally gets into the habit of it after Dick is her Batman for a bit and now she uses him as her civilian life therapist

Steph on her way back from campus: and then this bitch looks me up and down and pours her coffee cup down my shirt!

Dick on his way back to blud after decking bruce in the face: hold on hold on hold on she did what??

Steph nodding vigorously even though he can't see her: pulls my whole ass sweater away from my body and pours her peats coffee down my goddamn shirt Dick.

Dick: omg she didnt

Steph still nodding: she DID and then I found out from Jonny who found out from Vivian that someone told her I made out with her boyfriend at Leos house party

Dick who has no idea who any of these people are: wait but you were at Leos for like an hour max last week. we has smoothies after.

StepH: exactly so I had proof that I wasn't there and confronted her and went like. I don't want your crusty ass alt white boy whose favourite 'indie' band is the neighbourhood. I dated Tim fucking Drake the OG crusty ass white boy and I don't do repeats

Dick choking on his coffee:

Steph: anyway we are besties now and planning on getting her boyfriend back because apparently he cheated on her with this drop dead gorgeous girl and im high key a lil complimented she thought we were the same person.

Dick who initially called for casework and is actually so happy one of the people he calls siblings is actually like living a life outside of vigilantism: tell me more

Steph: you sound a little teary

dick: don't worry about it

-------------------------

Damian: Richard

Dick: Damian

Damian: so I might be skipping patrol with father

Dick:? what you love patrol??

Damian: and school

Dick: Dames? what's going on:? is everything okay? you can talk to me

Damian: I am volunteering at a hospital

Dick: kid

Damian: Listen before you sAY anything I know what we do is important but I think I can help in another way and -

Dick had brown parents and was training for the olympics at 8, totally knows what its like to have insane expectations and rebel with a day job: kid kid calm down okay? you wanna be a doctor? is that it?

Damian: well? I dont really know but I just? there has to be another way to help people. besides what we do I mean-

Dick: Alfred left me Thomas waynes journals I initially thought they were to bash your fathers head in when he was being stupid but it seems the old man was looking out for us. Wanna take a stab at your other grandpas legacy when you come over next weekend. I'll tell Bruce we patrolled so you get a few more days off.

Damian: you're the best

Dick Grayson wanted to be a contortionist when he grew up rotating his head 180 degrees while keeping body in the same crawling position on the ceiling: what's wrong... are you scared of me

*most creepy Annabel-esque laugh you've ever heard god abandoned us as soon as it was unleashed*

Robin whose mouth didnt move:

Goon:

Villain:

God:

Heros:

Batman: you see why he has a leash now?

Robin bats eyelashes thru mask:

Goon: ... I... can the whites move?

Batman: usually no

Goon: then... how?

Robin:... 7

Goon: wha? seven what?

Robin beginning to move on the ceiling: 6

Robin: 5

I love it when people draw Robin!Dick as a little creepy unsettling child like yes he embodies the blue eyed stare and moves in ways humans were never meant to move in and he never really grew out of it. Like the bright colours, the flips and the quips are so deceiving he’s so unsettling in the way no other Robin could quite replicate. I just know every criminal breathed a sigh of relief when he finally outgrew the tights.

Because I am gay (see name above) all of my favs are gay but because dc are cowards and refuse to admit that yeah having a character damn near exclusively date redheaded friends and then making both his male close friends redheads is a lil suspicious

I have simply decided that Dick is openly bi and no one has realized it in the universe.(Titans -core 9- and Clark Kent excluded)

So here picture this.

They’re all at a diner/batburger/ wherever they chill as civilians. Are they doing important stuff, working on cases, shooting the shit, your choice- I’m lazy.

And it’s practically empty bc none of them have normal schedules and so yeah you can have lunch at 4:45am that’s a normal time to eat.

And some dude walks in and Dick just straight up freezes for a sec before hiding under the table. The dude orders to go and fucks off.

Dick gets back up and does a cartoonish ‘phew’ bc he’s extra

Jason: yo what the fuck was that

Dick: what the fuck was what?

Tim: that- you hiding under the table of our booth??

Dick: oh that

Steph: no shit worlds third greatest detective

Jason: yeah you saw that dude and freaked, I once saw you laugh in banes face and use his forearm as a jungle gym? What gives?

Dick: oh come on! You’ve never wanted to avoid an ex??

*cue spit take from character of your choice*

Steph: AN EX?!?

Dick:??? Yes

Tim looks like he’s seeing god himself parting the clouds, giving him a view of the sun

Jason is just giving Dick the how did I not know this what the fuck dude how could you not tell me stare

Dick looks at each of them: what did you think I only dated babs and Kori?? I have a life outside of our night job?? Right? Like I’ve dated many people who still don’t know what I do at night?

Steph: no do how could you not tell us about H.I.M

Dick: I mean he wasn’t really all that…nice by the time we hit the three month mark and we didn’t have much in common outside of a shared hobby

Tim who was a closeted bisexual for 5 years realizing his first ever idol the first ever Robin also liked boys: .... you dated him for three months?? when?

Dick: I don't know we broke up like 2 months ago

Steph: How was I not aware of this information??

Dick: im sorry would you like detailed information about my sex life??

Jason, traumatised:.... so when I was Robin, you and roy weren't wrestling in the bathrooms..

Dick:.....

Tim:.....

Steph:.....

Dick: yeah Jay no shit?!?

Tim: so you and Wally... were not playing Jenga when I visited

Dick:... you are adults yes? you realise that I as an adult was not going to tell twelve year olds that I was getting laid?

Steph: Dickie DIckie baby.... we knew you were fucking

Tim: true

Jason: unfortunately

Steph: we just didn't know you were also fucking men

Dick:....

Dick massaging his temples: okay so.... you know I have a thing for redheads and I notoriously befriend my exes.

Tim: yep

Jason: mhm

Dick: and none of you thought for a second that my two redheaded best friends who both have a type aka Dark haired and can do a backflip... and just decided we were totally Hetero besties

Steph: yeahhh I mean...

Tim weakly: you guys just seem

Jay: like friends

Dick deadpan: Lian still calls me dad sometimes and Wally and Linda keep asking me to swing or join a throuple.

steph: fully believed they were joking high key tho

Dick: okay, okay... so the way that I talk about Joey Wilson... just didn't tell you anything?

Jay: okay that one... was my bad actually y'all were hella gay

Tim: hey! that's no fairrr we werent there

Dick: you broke into my house Tim, you literally stalked me

Tim: that's not the same and you know it.

Dick: I wouldn’t wish that upon my worst enemy unless of course we are talking about my enemy Talia al ghul. Fuck you, you know what you did.

The best part about DC canon being a sandbox is that you can combine different parts of different timelines into your Frankenstein ideal just to give Bruce Wayne more gray hairs

Observe

Bruce: Dick you know you’re 26 you can’t keep working as a gymnastics instructor on a volunteer basis you need a career.

Dick who has been working as a lawyer in nyc for 3 years now: hmmm yeah you’re totally right B maybe I’ll take some classes

Bruce: Tim you need to get your GED, I cannot allow you to give up on education at highschool.

Tim who got into ivy university and has been zeta-ing back and forth: …hmmm maybe I’m kinda busy

Bruce: I have no idea what Jason does in the day

Jason catholic priest Todd: … yeah I got nothing

-this shitpost was brought to you solely to remind everyone that JASON TODD WAS A CATHOLIC PRIEST IN ANOTHER DIMENSION THANK YOU

How I picture Brucie Wayne’s birth in the battinson universe.

8yr old Dick Grayson: so B I gotta ask

Battinson: hn

8yr old newly Robin Dick Grayson: do you really think that people don’t suspect the crazy Rich secluded billionaire who disappeared for years to be Batman and then takes in a child only for ‘I’m vengeance’ to appear with a child at the same time.

Battinson: hnnn

DG: nonono like no offense but like don’t you think it’s a little …obvious… like marvel movies exist..

Battinson: hnnn what do you propose I do then?

DG: duh you gotta make sure it’s impossible for you to be Batman

Battinson: hmm so I should plan an event where we are both spot-

DG: get drunk and swim in a fountain

Battinson: ???

DG: if Bruce Wayne is dumb he can’t be Batman

Battinson: Bruce Wayne is the head of one the most successful companies in the worl-

DG nodding along: yep all thanks to the amazing help he hired to do the work for him while he search for the cure to polio in the Sahara desert

Battinson: the polio vaccine already exists Dick

DG hand placed on forehead like a fainting damsel: oh it’s so sad about poor Brucie you know, dumb as a rock that one. Didn’t get an ounce of his parents intelligence thank god he got lucky enough that the people he surrounds himself with are loyal to his parents and aren’t stealing money from him.

Battinson: Robin I’m really not followi-

DG rolling his eyes and grabbing B’s face: I’m telling you to play himbo with heart of gold. If people think you’re sweet and pathetic, they’ll (A) underestimate you (B) not question why you disappear for months (C) pathetic good looking idiots get sympathy points.

Battinson: and how would you know this

DG who got adopted by a billionaire who won’t say no to anything he says bc puppy dog eyes: …….

Battinson: …fair point

DG: worlds greatest Detective he says

Alfred ‘let me train an 8 yr old in combat instead of therapy’ pennyworth: ….

Bruce ‘never stopped being the child in the alleyway’ Wayne: hnnn

8yro Dick Grayson who despite trauma and anger issues, Has very good emotional intelligence: … so is the next 10 years of my life gonna be a one way conversation

Alfred: ….

Bruce: hnnn

DG: god I’m gonna have to give you peopling lessons aren’t I?

Bruce: … Dick why don’t you go back to school? Is a volunteer position as a gymnastics teacher all you want in life

Dick who is getting his 3rd masters (this one’s in quantum physics bc he binged too many YouTube videos late at night and now has a hyper fixation) : hmm yeah I don’t know, I don’t think I sit well for tests

Damian: Hey, Grayson?

Dick: What do you need?

Damian: Well, some kids were picking on me today, and not thinking about it, I told Todd.

Dick: Go on...

Damian: He left. I'm worried that he's going to go beat them up or something. Can you go stop him?

Dick: Jason won't hit a child.

Damian: He won't?

Dick: Never.

Damian:

Dick:

Damian:

Dick: *sprints out the door*

Bruce Wayne, trying to go over the case of a murder victim but very confused: Tim, why are you wearing sunglasses in the Cave?

Tim Drake, wearing sunglasses to cover up his black eye that he got last night because there was no patrol but he and his siblings went for a joyride in the Batmobile and events led to his head slamming into the steering wheel: uhhhh

Dick Grayson, very desperately trying to hide this fact from Bruce because he's supposed to be the responsible elder sibling: B, if I may. Tim spoke to us all about a week ago about wearing sunglasses to all murder briefings moving forward to show respect for the dead. I simply forgot. And Jason refused because he has no value for human life.

Jason Todd, very much enjoying watching his brothers squirm but playing along because it's definitely his fault Tim's head slammed into the steering wheel: It's true, I don't.

Tim: what's the meanest thing you've ever done?

Jason: i know you expect me to say trying to beat you to death that one time, but in the league i once told Damian that Talia was lying about his heritage to manipulate Batman and his actual father was Lex Luthor. so that.

Tim: ?!

Jason: yeah i faked a DNA test to prove it and he believed me for like 4 months.

Tim: holy shit

Jason: to be honest the meanest part was probably putting hair removal cream in his shampoo and convincing him he was going bald due to genetics. he was nine.

Tim: you are my hero. hear me say these words. I. Love. You.

Jason: i know buddy. i know.

Tim, slightly drunk: I told you all that I lost my spleen, but I actually know exactly where it is, because Ra’s keeps it in a jar on his bedside table.

Jason, also drunk: THATS WHAT THAT IS?!?!

Tim: you’ve seen it? HOW HAVE YOU SEEN IT?!

Jason: I had to take Damian to visit Talia at the league!

Tim: AND YOU ENDED UP IN RA’S BEDROOM?

Jason: every time I go there I put an assortment of miscellaneous vegetables in his bedding to convince him he’s going insane.

Tim:

Tim: that’s actually kinda cool.

Jason: it’s the only thing that makes escourting the kid back and forth worth it.

Damian, twelve, Tim and Jason’s designated driver of the evening: I swear mother has assigned you to me like some sort of service dog, Todd.

Jason, nodding: or personal uber.

Tim: come to think of it I have seen you lay your head on him whenever you think he’s anxious-

Jason: HE SAYS IT HELPS-!

Damian: -fucking stay out of it, Drake!

Tim: aight damn

Jason, trying to intimidate Tim: you think you can escape me? in the league of assasins they used to call me the executioner. do you know how fucked up you have to be to get an organisation of assassins to give you a murder-centric title?!?! DO YOU?!?!?

Tim, eyes wide: dude i didn’t realise they were your waffles i’m sorry-

Damian in the doorway: they were MY waffles that Todd stole from ME.

Jason:

Tim:

Damian: and for the record nobody called you ‘the executioner’. most of us called you ‘pebbles’ because after you were brought out of the pit we kept finding you throwing pebbles into the pond in the courtyard

Tim, fighting a smirk: …pebbles?

Jason, to Tim: i will slam you up against this wall.

Damian, humming: he does have a strong arm. all that pebble throwing practice.

Jason: OK I WILL CALL YOUR MOTHER-

(jason totally taught damian how to skip rocks instead of training him one morning and damian would rather die than admit its one of his favourite memories)

funniest 'Jason Todd comes back as red hood and starts talking to the bats without telling that he is, in fact, Jason Todd' trope is where Red Hood starts becoming minorly friendly with the bats and lets slip that Jason Todd is indeed still alive, but not that he is him.

now this can result in multiple outcomes, however i think the funniest possible version is the version where while Dick is bemoaning about the loss of his little brother and how great Jason is and how he wants to talk to him again, and without a second of hesitation Red Hood just nods his head and goes 'oh yeah, hottest robin by far, too. sexy as shit, that guy is.'

this results in the entire bat family fully believing that Jason Todd was somehow revived and taken to the LOA where he met and fell in love with this murderous assassin known as Red Hood, and the two are currently in a relationship.

Jason, petty and pissed at his family, decides: holy shit that's funny. and he goes along with it, meaning there are multiple occasions where we get interactions such as

Batman, brooding on a rooftop: the second Robin... he has always had such a big heart.

Red Hood, cartwheeling in the background: big dick too, godDAMN

Batman: i am begging you to stop.

---

Nightwing: you're DATING my little brother? AND YOU WONT LET US TALK TO HIM?

Red Hood, full of shit: he's too busy visiting venues for our wedding next autumn. and before you ask, no, you're not invited.

Nightwing:

Batman: you mean to tell me, you're marrying my son, and you won't allow us to be at the wedding?

Red Hood: Jason's decision.

Batman:

Red Hood: Green Arrow's walking him down the isle

Batman: ok thats it-

---

Red Robin: so is your fiance happy about all this crime lord murder stuff?!

Red Hood: my future trophy husband understands that if he's going to be able to sit and look pretty for me, then I need to bring home some serious cash, now stop interrupting my work.

Red Robin:

Red Hood:

Red Hood: for real tho, Jason's so hot-

Red Robin: STOP IT

bonus scene:

Dick: Damian, did you know about this?

Damian, hasn't been paying attention: know about what?

Dick: Jason's engaged to Red Hood!

Damian:

Damian, knows full well Jason is full of shit because he grew up with the guy in the league:

Damian: hes what now

Jason in the background: *violently gesturing death threats*

Damian:

Damian: yes. i'll be travelling home in the fall to be the flower boy. I believe Todd has already picked out my suit.

Dick:

that christmas, Bruce Wayne receives a card with an obviously photoshopped Red Hood that's got his arm around Jason's shoulders, who also has a photoshopped wedding dress on. Damian is stood in front of them, a 'just married' banner in his hands, looking very much like he was paid to be there.

Dick never forgives Jason for making him think that Alfred was invited to the wedding and he wasn't.

No one is asking "Why would Bruce Wayne be in a Lexcorp meeting", but I have the answer

Bruce has bought enough stocks of the Lexcorp to be there, and he did for 3 main reasons

He just wants to annoy Lex

He's trying to take from the inside/spy the Lexcorp

JL things like trying to stop Lex from doing bad things by annoying him and making his life difficult

the second one is problably for the most trying to make the Lexcorp a better corporation and trying to kick out Lex and then integrating the Lexcorp under the WE to make it an actual good company

And Tim is just there to have fun and keep Brucie Wayne farcade up, probably

Bruce and Tim: *sitting in a LexCorp meeting*

Lex: Alright everybody, thanks for jumping on this all hands.

Lex: *sees Tim*

Lex: Who is this?

Bruce: Oh, this is my corporate translator. He's here to translate all the corporate jargon into words that I can actually understand.

Lex: Uhh alright. I'm gonna have to align with HR to see if this is—

Bruce, to Tim: What's he saying?

Tim: He's saying he's upset by my presence.

Lex: I'm not upset, okay? I'm simply processing this information into a more digestible way.

Tim: Oh yeah, he's really upset.

Lex: Okay, let's just move forward with the meeting, shall we? So Q1 is in the books and we had a very strong showing. Now, there are certainly some gaps within our processes that we're working strategically in order to align that should help us bridge those gaps in a really efficient way.

Bruce: Translator?

Tim: Q1 wasn't good and management is very upset about it.

Lex: That's not what I said, okay? There are certainly some gaps, but management is working lockstep in order to come up with strategic processes in order to alleviate these areas of deficiency.

Tim: They're planning layoffs.

Lex: No. No. That— I'm not saying that, okay? We're just developing ways to become a much leaner organization.

Tim: It's gonna be twenty-five percent of the organization.

Lex: No!

I saw a post where everyone in the batfam had adopted the airhead Brucie Wayne cover except for Damian and of course Alfred. So I wanted to add to the pile. :)

All of them are sitting in a restaurant

Brucie: … wait this has a little label for vegetarian on it but it doesn’t have any meat in it. I think you forgot to label it vegan!

Waiter: … this has whipped cream, eggs and milk in it sir.

Dick: Wait whipped cream isn’t vegan?!?

Jason: No, I’m pretty sure it is.

Dick: well if it isn’t I messed up my vegan challenge week and nobody told me!

Tim: can’t we just pay someone to find out if whipped cream is vegan?

Brucie: Good idea! [Takes out $100 bill and hands it to the waiter] Is whipped cream vegan?

Waiter: uhh

Damian: PLEASE STOP! NONE OF YOU HAVE DIETARY RESTRICTIONS! WHY DID THIS BECOME A DEBATE?

Dick: that’s not true I’m a pescatarian now! I really miss eating fish but it’s worth it!

Damian with head in hands: that’s not what- ugh forget it!

The waiter now confirms to everyone that they come across that Damian Wayne is indeed the holder of the Wayne Family Braincell.

Tabloids dub this conversation the dessert debate. It becomes a trend to ask what Bruce thinks is vegan during interviews.