Oh My Girl - Blog Posts

BLah

I thought that I was really in love with you.

But, lately I found out that it was a temporary feeling. I never loved you. You've always left me disappointed, confused and obsessed.

Why obsessed?

Because, I have never loved you. I don't know you. I love the idea that I created of you. It's hard to realise it, in fact, I took too long to understand this. I could have ended everything since the beginning and I wouldn't have been here worrying about stupid feelings. I'm obsessed with the idea that I created of you. The you that doesn't exist. A dangerous guy, with anger issues that hates everyone except me.

And I told him: Look, I've been playing with you from the beginning and I don't love you.

I didn't talk to him from that day. But I think of him even if I don't know him. Does this have an explanation? Is there a philosopher who has got theories that are going to help me discover what I'm feeling? I've studied for years philosphy and psychology but I never seem to understand myself. I am a big mess.

I've went to different psychoanalysts but they found no way of comforting and helping me.

I've read thousands of books, specifically romance books, but do you know how bored they have made me? They annoy me now. But I continue reading them. They're full of fantasies and utopic worlds but I so believe them, I don't know how to get out of that illusion.

How do I turn off my reasoning and consciousness? I want to disappear. I want to be free. I want to live with someone that I truly love.

How do I learn how to love? Is there someone that teaches this? Are there theories or books that talk about this?

I want to know how to actually ,love someone with all my heart and to get to know that person for everything they have and possess and follow them till they die because that's what my mission needs to be. I want to be there for someone till the day I die. Is there a way to find this? Is there a way to believing in love? I'm desperate to know.

But you know what puts me in a crisis? That is understanding love. From what I've understood about myself, I am a person that views love as a love with violence and aggression, sacrificies and problems, imperfections and perfections, optimistic point of views and cosy touches, physical connection, spiritual connection, sexual touches, sweet words and harmful words that push you to hate the person you "love" and finally hating yourself for loving them.

How can I think this way? Who do I think I am? A goddess?

What if I got to know this guy and actually fell in love with him, what would really happen?

I would be desperate and heartbroken and hate myself for falling for somebody that I don't deserve and that I shouldn't waste my time with and not waste my life for neither energy. I would hate myself for falling for someone who isn't who I idealised. This is unacceptable.

I wanna be free. I wanna love someone and suffer forever. You know what I want to suffer because that's what I live for. That's how I've learnt to survive. I have been raised with violence and anger issues and problems. I need someone that treats me how I think he should treat me.

I don't know how my idealised man is. I have no idea how he is. I literally don't know. Like can you imagine that I wrote this whole story and bullshit for something that I don't really know or believe or think or reason about, oh my god I am truly crazy. I talk noonsense. I am a bullshiter and I accept it. Thank you for today.

K.M.

ggs random icons

like or reblog if u save (✯ᴗ✯) !

im reading lychee hikari club right now and honestly i really like it, the themes are really interesting and the artstyle us right up my alley and THEN I FIND OUT THEYRE ALL LIKE THIRTEEN YEARS OLD??? ARE YOU FUCKING KIDDING ME??? WHAT THE FUCK IS THIS MANGA??????

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⋆𐙚₊ MAGICAL GIRL KPOP ˚⊹♡

❛❛A playlist to live out

your magical girlie fantasy❞

˖⁺‧₊˖⁺‧₊˖⁺‧₊˖⁺‧₊˖⁺‧₊˖⁺‧₊˖⁺˚ ♡ ˚₊‧⁺˖₊‧⁺˖₊‧⁺˖₊‧⁺˖₊‧⁺˖₊‧⁺˖₊‧⁺

1. Moon Prism - Rocket Punch

2. Save Me, Save You - WJSN

3. Virtual Angel - ARTMS

4. CLOSER - OH MY GIRL

5. Accendio - IVE

6. Secret - WJSN

7. The Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy - ARTMS

8. Love In Space - Cherry Bullet

9. La Luna - ICHILLIN'

10. Butterfly Effect - ARTMS

(my fav, tumblr won't let me add more links but it's on the playlist! ♡)

˖⁺‧₊˖⁺‧₊˖⁺‧₊˖⁺‧₊˖⁺‧₊˖⁺‧₊˖⁺˚ ♡ ˚₊‧⁺˖₊‧⁺˖₊‧⁺˖₊‧⁺˖₊‧⁺˖₊‧⁺˖₊‧⁺

🌙 Gif credits: @sailormoon-cola 🌙

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