Mental Wellbeing - Blog Posts

You know what’s really annoying about having mental issues and learning disorders? My ADD makes me forget to write words for sentences. So when I’m writing things like “She walked the house, taking placed steps as a the floor creaked beneath her.” When really I’m trying to say, “She walked into the house, taking careful placed steps as the floor creaked beneath her.” It’s so freaking annoying for a writer like me. I have to re read my work so many times just because I don’t know if I made a mistake but even then I still read over my mistakes and they don’t register in my brain fast enough for me

I don’t know who needs to hear this but I just wanted to remind you that life isn’t a competition or a constant self-improvement project. You don’t have to be better or “prettier” or smarter than anyone else and you don’t have to overwork yourself to be deserving of rest. You are not behind. And it’s totally ok to find happiness or fulfillment in a life that others don’t understand. It’s ok if success looks different for you than it does to someone else. I just wanted to remind you that you are enough. You always have been. 🩷

The many stages of depression: (TW)

Depression is one of those feelings that a lot of people have experienced at least sometimes in their lives. It is quite correct to state that everyone at one point in their life have been through it or will go through it. Some get depressed more than others; it could be due to environment, abuse, loss, bullying, mental disorders, stress, poor health, etc.

It is something widely experienced but not widely explained. The mystery of why depression happens to certain people can boil down to their psychological state but should not be considered the single parameter for its existence. Depression like cancer can happen to anyone regardless of any amount of money, status, love or psycological wellness they have. And like Cancer you can't just tell someone with depression to just ignore it or say they are overreacting.

As someone who goes through bouts of seasonal depression and lives in a place where depression is not even considered "real". I have broken down depression according to personal experience into 5 stages.

I am not a medical professional ( I do want to become a psychologist) or someone who can give advice on this topic. But as a patient of depression for around 2 years I can give a little insight into it. Just because I said there are 5 stages doesn’t mean it has to be these stages only, or in the same order.

Here it goes:

1. Anger: just like the stages of grief I always thought the 1st step towards depression starts with anger. It could be outbursts, sudden rage, irritation, annoyance, physical reactions such as intensive urge to kick or punch something (I always have days when I want to burn buildings down and kill my classmates). These reactions can be due to the sudden change in mentality we get before full blown depression kicks in. When we just hate every thing. Everything is stupid. Everyone is being annoying. One of our 1st reactions to anything upsetting is to be mad about it. Depression is not an exception. Anger is where you start. When you start to blame everything around your for causing the pain you are going through. This stage is very important, it is always good to take out your anger before it becomes too much. During this stage I am at my peak of annoyance and can be diabolical.

2. Paranoia: the stage that continues what anger started. This is when realisation kicks in that something is wrong in your mind. You can become paranoid of everything around you. Why is my friend ignoring me for 5 minutes? Why did my parents became quiet when I walked in? Why does it feel like someone is watching me? Why can’t I trust anyone? This is when you are at your peak in terms of insanity. I have been in this stage for the most part of my depressive episodes. Especially as an intuitive, paranoia can be disturbing and harmful to your mental health. It makes you question silly things that don’t even matter for the sake of increasing your blood pressure and start to isolate you from social life. That’s where stage 3 will come

3. Withdrawal: not the withdrawal due to addiction. This is when you start isolating yourself from others. Paranoia put the seed of doubt in your mind about people and how you don’t want them to be near you. People can be a problem sometimes. And this stage is just what being isolated means. This is also the stage people are the most familiar with, because it is often what depression is portrayed as: isolating yourself from other humans as way to build a wall to protect yourself from what paranoia caused. During this time I stop taking calls from my friends, family, anyone. I stop messaging or replying. I often stopped eating with family or having lunch at school with my friends. As an introvert this stage isn’t even that hard, but there is a difference between the choice of isolating yourself because you don’t like to be around strange people and the want to isolate from people you care about.

4. Sadness: the most well known stage of depression, some people mistake it for the definition of depression, which is so wrong. After isolating yourself, you become vulnerable. This is that stage of vulnerability and mostly when people start to have negative thoughts (suicidal thoughts). Sadness itself can’t be explained that well, other than that it leads negativity, hopelessness and the lack of interest in anything cheerful. When I get into this stage, my depression is the most apparent to other people. This is when my mom steps in and ask if things are wrong. And I say #fine when I am so not. Sadness can manifest in tears, coldness, increased self awareness, intrusive and harmful thoughts etc. This is one of the hardest and longest stages to overcome. Yet not as harmful as the next one…

5. Numbness: let me deep breathe before this……this is the most dangerous stage of depression. Every stage before this one had some sort of emotion in it. Anger, paranoia, withdrawn, sadness. But Numbness is the lack of any emotion that can be experienced, even negative ones. You lose all your hope. All your wishes and goals. Everything becomes a barren wasteland of nothingness. The lack of emotions is the worst thing that can happen to you. Just like how you die when your heart stops beating, having numbness to emotions will as in many cases lead to death. Unfortunately, this is the stage when most suicides take places. The inability to have any interest in life and getting overwhelmed from the fact you stopped living the moment you stopped feeling. Have I been in this stage? Yes. But since I am alive there must be a way out of it.

When I said 5 stages of depression, it was meant for those who sadly ended their lives because of it. Stage 6 is for those who made it out alive.

6. Acceptance: again like the stages of grief Depression ends with acceptance. Accepting your problems (I am the problem it's me!), accepting yourself as a problem, accepting help from people who care for you and accepting the little hope left deep down. If you made it to this stage, you are capable of doing anything you want.

Note: You are worth it! (Can't believe I AM saying this) And if you are going through depression or anything related to that, remember that one of reasons to stay alive is to pull revenge on all the people you hate. Maybe in future you can show your haters that the reason they hate you is beacuse of how strong willed you are. You don't have to prove your talents. You don't have to accomplish things to justify your existence. You are here for nobody but yourself. Be selfish, be a bitch and live out the best life there is.

the urge to cut is so strong but my parents are always coming into my room after I've been up there for like 10 minutes since I gave them a letter explaining everything. I'm such a hypocrite but still

everyone loves seeing the happy character show a shocking reveal of sadness,

i want them to get mad.

i want them to scream until their vocal chords snap. i want harsh truths laid out. i want them to be judgemental and cruel. i dont want them to end crying or upset. i want hard, marbled fury. i want the embodiment of a raging hurricane trapped in a glass box. i want the box to be cracked and the wrong word is the last chip it needs to break. no storming off or apologies. they mean what they said and wont ever take it back.

Nov. 26th, 2022

For the last four years, I’ve held down the same job working graveyard (or Noc shift) at a care facility. At times it can be really fun! Especially with my last shift partners, we had a lot in common and laughed a lot. She made the shift fun, she made my job bearable. However, for the last three months I’ve had a different partner who I can’t count on and slowly, my mental health has dropped. More so because of the lack of sleeping during the night and having the energy to be with friends in my free time. There’s not much to say besides I’m tired, so so tired. Tired enough that I’ll cry in my car or stay in bed all day… if I didn’t need the money to live, I would quit in a heartbeat.

cw rant. cw parents, bullying & ableism (?)

since my birthday is a few days away now, i told my mom that i wanted an animal crossing birthday party and a cake and even if she didn’t order the cake, I’ll just have the cake toppers and stick it on my cake. either way is okay.

she goes ahead and asks me why i didn’t tell her sooner but what she doesn’t understand is that, we were ordering a limo to come to my house and go fun places and have the BEST time EVER, so that when I grow older in the future, I can remember all that and to live the best life. on top of that, we were buying a cake, party stuff, balloons, crowns, etc and stuff were OUT of stock and that I didn’t wanna ask and they didn’t see. I DID see a cake that had Tom nook a day ago but when I confirmed the order, it went out of stock FAST. that’s what I said and the MAIN reason why I couldn’t say.

she has the audacity to bring up my neurodivergency and goes “no wonder you’re not normal!” towards me knowing that i struggle with things. and then she goes “can’t you see thats for babies? you’re so old for that anyway..” and I told her, “but it’s my fixation game? getting a cake will just make it better because I’ll be really happy.” and she says, “you’re a fucking grown bitch. you’re not a kid anymore, youre a teen thats working, stop being childish. youre too fucking young for that. pick something else!!!” and then storming out the room.

i just feel really bad because when i was younger, when I played mario kart for the switch, isabelle was the first character that made me addicted to playing as her in the mario kart game and then, when I discovered SSB (smash bros for the 3ds and switch), I became obsessed with both male and female villager. so since they introduced me to animal crossing, that’s when I thought of getting a cake of them so that I can remind myself that nothing can stop me from loving the characters and the game.

SHE LITERALLY BROUGHT ME THE GAME. she KNOWS that I cannot HELP watching it ALL the time. she knows that i like Tom nook and wants his birthday balloon to carry to my work place with party bags but loads of people hate me for being different and neurodivergent. nobody really likes me. expect 2 people. so therefore I can’t do shit about it. I didn’t wanna be seen as the “weird autistic person who likes childish stuff”. but she makes me feel like that.

now I have to do my birthday without it for the last time, and then get it for my next birthday that’ll be next year in 12-13 months since it’s in February.

I just feel so bad and mad at myself for asking cause she brought up how autistic i am. and because she always gets angry for stuff I cannot control nor the amount of stuff I get told. nor my health issues and totally shutting down and lashing out on everyone when mad.

she gaslights me alot also. and is severely negative to me. so now I have to do my birthday without it and have a normal birthday in order to avoid being “weird” or seen as “not normal” and “stupid” and “socially acceptable.”

And she told me to stop watching those characters because they don’t “matter”. like alright i get that im retarded and a weirdo. no need to make me feel dread about it.

If you ever feel like this my inbox is forever open ! ❤️

A gun

A quick escape

To exit this thing called life

My Brain can’t take no more

Every day I force a smile

For what?

For fuck all

My head can’t think no more

I don’t want be on this place called earth

I want be dug deep in the ground

Out of this crazy life

Where there is no escape

From my self .

It’s a mess.

I give up fighting the urge everyday

To just end this shit.

For real.

If I had trigger

I wouldn’t hestatie

To know it would be over within a blink

It’s the perfect escape .

It’s lucky I don’t owe one

Or I would be in a place I call home .

Heaven .

Away from this nightmare

I can’t escape.

Please lord give me strength not

To put a end to my own light.

I don’t know why you placed me upon this life

And have me air to breathe

Every night

I ask why ?

What is my purpose to you under this dark light

Maybe the easy way out

People will say

But there don’t know the state of my mind .

It’s hard to cooperate

When all I see around me is snakes

I’m done with life .

Even the ones who claim to love me

Can’t see what is doing to the insides of me.

Life is a joke

No one gives a flying fuck

That my brain is turning into sticky glue

With words I can’t relate to .

Just tired of the pain my mind plays daily

I would rather live in a zoo

Then play this game of 2.

Hate is a strong word

But belive me when I say I hate this earth.

It’s full of devils

Ain’t no angels here

Just a fuckin game of tug .

I ain’t got the strentgh to pull

The fucker to my side no more.

Years of fighting with my own

To now just want be put in a hole.

I’ve learnt to accept it’s the only place

Im going be at rest

With my crazy soul.

I’m close to admit

The fucker has won .

@trueemotions91

Why is life so raw

I only wanted to get up off the floor

But you won’t let me rise

You just want to watch me fall.

Scared I will rise above yourself

Difference is , I ain’t a whore

I’ll do my chore

But you still keep pushing me to the damn floor .

Fear is greedy

I get that now

But your only feeding the demon within me .

Your negative words fall all around me.

You made me so sore

I just don’t care no more

So you see ,

I may be upon the floor

But inside I’m ready to roar.

I was lost

In a plot

Of my own fucked up emotions

No one to help me

No one ever understood

I was called a crazy bitch

Forced in a ditch

To dig myself out of

While the soil crumbled under each finger tip

Still they called me a crazy bitch

Coz I was fighting this shit

All just watched and laughed

Like a bunch of crazed clowns

To my head shut them out

I cried and screamed

Believe me I fucking did

My eyes have never cried

As the tears ain’t my sin

It’s just the opening

Of this tin I’m trapped in

The cuts were a release

Each time I dug my nails deep in

Was a understanding of the place I was laying

Each fall

I pulled harder

No matter how much they call me a crazy bitch

I am getting out of this ditch

They forced me in .

@trueemotions91

You reading this

Promise me

One thing

In life don’t give up

Never check the competition on the other shoulder

Always breathe and just get stuck in

The thicker the better

Don’t let anyone make you feel worthless

Poisonous people only do this

Don’t never go in with your eyes closed

Always make sure they are wide

Don’t get stuck in the gossip

Take a seat back and be the listener

Your be amazed what you hear ,

When your hurting ,

Please just scream,

Don’t let it burden you ,

I’m here,

When you want to cry,

Let it stream,

Tears are free ,

So don’t let it burn you out

from inside out ,

Believe me when I say,

Your brain is a weapon for all,

But mainly for yourself ,

So don’t let it take control,

Remember it’s your body in the line ,

Don’t let the voices roar ,

If they do, scream right back at them

Coz them bitches should be in line with your core,

When your happy ,

Enjoy,

And when your sad

Just remeber the man who shook your hand ,

Without a penny to his name ,

Yet he still has a plan,

Every single being here has a path,

And when it gets tough

Just know that’s the worse ,

The only way is up baby,

So please just breathe ,

And no it’s just the path

To make your journey on earth

Complete .

@trueemotions91

Life is scary ,

Looking through my eyes ,

Your find it blurry,

But don’t be alarmed,

Because I promise your ready .

For this ride, To the top,

Free of charge ,

I promise I won’t ask for a penny,

But I’m going take your emotions

Higher then any,

I’ll hold your hand

I won’t let go

But inside your going be lonely.

Don’t be scared

I promised you so,

All of them emotions

Are part of the journey ,

This ain’t no movie,

First class scary .

Be the best ride ,

As this is the journey of Your life.

@trueemotions91

Why did you leave me on the cross roads,

Cold and alone,

With a thousand thoughts creating a storm.

You left me in the darkest skies,

my coldest hour ,

Did it make you feel better ?

To know I was breaking,

Under your footstep .

Pressure after pressure,

As you watched me shatter

But it didn’t matter.

If you were true , You thought you could piece

Me back together

With glue .

But never the same

And now your ashamed

Because the damaged you caused

Is clear .

A joker ,

Hidden from me

Are you really surprised

I can see through the pain,

Painted on smile

In red lines .

Aint hard to see in

Between .

Painted white for the world

To see

But

Under the light ,

Your just another

Delusion of the night,

You think your words can itch me,

I have clowns in my dreams

Somewhere you could never reach ,

Think your nightmares

Can stench me from

My haven ,

Only witches have that cauldron

When they cackle up the night sky,

The birds want to come play ,

Because you will always hide

When the disguise

Falls behind the blind.

@trueemotions91

Crazy

Their named me

Because I like to listen to my thoughts

Talk to my self in a middle of the store

A imagantion I adore

Ain’t no one stopping my thoughts

Thought a pill could shut it down

But don’t realise they just make

It roar.

Cant never beat the score

the bars set to high

For any medical score

Iq higher then they imagantion

I shoot for the heart

Their will never understand .

Ain’t nothing crazy about me ,

I’m just a soul

With a mission

To listen to

What my head feels

Coz I know that’s real

And is my goal

To try and bring peace to my inner soul.

@trueemotions91

Don’t lose yourself like me

Just sat staring at the tress

Admiring the beauty

Beyond your own little lies

Believing all you see .

Don’t let the pretty things in life

Fool you

Remember a face is a blessing in a disguise

And the fool will always turn out to be you

If you truly loose your soul .

@trueemotions91

emotions make me feel physically sick

Yet I fight that feeling everyday

Just because I’m used to feeling that way

It’s not normal

I know that now

It is my soul

Breaking inside

It’s only escape

Since I lock it deep

I’ve ignored every instinct

To fight what I know

Coz the truth be told

I just don’t care no more .

Bottled for far to long

It’s only aim is to remind me every day

What makes me feel vile

But I allready know

He will never complete my soul

Yet forever under his control .

@trueemotions91

Love is a powerful word

Yet slightly absurd

To give someone your all

Yet not got the strength

To put what you have

Into yourself

Its extraordinary

How we work like that

Is that human error

Or just a self flaw.

@trueemotions91

All I need is air

The sun

The moon

The sea

All things that are beyond the beauty of the earth

When all falls silence , all at last will be

How the world was ment to be

I see you , your struggles and all the things behide

But nature is calling you

To heal you

In the silence , of the night

We need that, to reinstate

Reinstate with the earth , the very place we was made

To feel the air against your naked skin

The noise of the trees

The sound of the leaves and rain

This is what your body is craving

A break from hell

And back to heaven on nature’s ground

Bare footed

To recharge from the ground

Not from the television , we weren’t made a plug in

Pick up the leaves

let the creatures of earth wiggle on your feet

Put down the phone

And dig your hands into earths rich soil

Roll around like you never have

Smell the flowers and enjoy the earth.

@trueemotions91

A soul is my beauty

Looks are deceiving

They try and trick the mind

To make us believe

In something that isn’t there

As a soul can’t lie

It speaks the truth beyond the mask

That’s put in as a disguise

To look beyond is hard

It’s a battle with mind and temptation

But which do you choose

When the pretty tunes in to the soul

And Creates the devil

Do you realise the danger your soul has intwined to,

A pretty soul will always have a pretty face ,

You just have to look deeper in the beholders eyes,

The eyes are the beauty ,

As dark as chocolate , as blue as the skies , as green as the mountains on a dewy morning sun rise ,

Not the cold hunger , with a smile upon the face ,

That’s clearly the devil in disguise .

@trueemotions91

Come see what I see

Twisted deformed faces in front of me

Crazy they call me

But these fuckers clearly can’t see

Like sheep in a line, all gawping when I open my mind

Don’t believe me when I say

It’s the most powerful thing about me

Trust me when I say it

Ain’t no delusion

I have to fight the beast everyday

You , you are nothing

Compared to this fucker

I cant escape it , not even run from it

Stuck with it till I die

Can you see ?

You , you are nothing to me.

Human like me

But I don’t use my fist to win this fight

My brain is always right

So no escaping me

Because once I get in

They ain’t no getting out

I cant escape me

Even the devil don’t want in this game .

A monster in disguise ,

A gift from god

Who knows what it’s called

Electric powers me

The Voltage erupts

Causing me a rage

With a mind full of volts

That turn into words

Them words turn into ideas

And the whole world spins .

Still makes no sense

Still can’t understand

Nor can I , so join the clan .

@trueemotions91

Lost in a world of emotions

Covid on my mind

Not a worry for the blind.

It’s not the strain of my eyes

from watching the tv

Or holding my phone all day

It’s the battle going on in my brain .

A pain I feel through shut eyes

The light don’t bother me no more

Used to the dark and the man made lights

With a flip of the switch .

It Seems day and night no longer disgunish

The hurt no longer exists

But neither does my happiness .

Lost in my own mind

But just a empty space .

Dying to breathe in the fresh air

To revitalise my brain .

Lost words that make no sense

Emotions I can’t figure out .

The world has gone crazy

And my brain is on the fall out .

How can my brain survive this pandemic with nothing to do , no air to breathe , no sun to see,

Just me .

@trueemotions91

My mind is my game , my soul in one blink.

 Try hard but I promise you will not see me !

 My brain is what makes me 

My legs , my arms, my heart , my eyes aint nothing unique to me

We all have these simple things ! 

But my brain ,

 hell yea this mother fucker on another league out here ! Controlling my bodily functions , 

controlling my mind , 

Voice  in my head that i can not hide ! Can turn you off quicker then you think ! 

But your mind will keep tick tick tick

A million voltages dash around, 

But  do we really understand how we are ground ! My mother taught me feet rooted hard but My feet can take off, 

not rooted hard but my brain is connected stem and all.

Belive me when I say

Ain’t no escaping this uncontrolled machine !

@trueemotions91

My mind is a jumble of words!

Constantly flowing through my brain!

Don’t make sense just a load of jubberish taking up my personal space.

One two three I try and count to shut it up but hey ho theys no hail !

Ya mind is a complex tool more powerful then ourselves!

To be afraid of it is a under statement ! I try to push it away!

That voice gets louder and louder screaming inside but I can’t let it get passed coz it will fuck with my brain!

It’s itch I can’t avail it makes me feel wild !

Scared of how it triggers how it rushed inside .

How long can ya control it before it takes over ya mind !

It’s a constant fight between ya mind and soul !

@trueemotions91

In life we all make mistakes some bigger then others

But we all make them .

Who are you to judge the person next to you ?

You ain't living with the pain, there are paying for their actions .

Some more then others.

Just coz you see them smiling 😀 don't mean inside they ain't crying .

When you look in there eyes, they may be looking back but inside they are shutting .

Trying to smile to hide the pain inside

. Trying to walk when your knees are shaking.

But you know you have to make them steps.

You don't no what that person is feeling !!!

Same as they don't you.

So next time just sit and think what you do.

Coz your actions and vocals can cause more damage to someone then your ever know . Just think

@trueemotions91

I look at a photo And a million words and memory's fly through my head.

They also bring tears to my eyes Why?

I want to smile and I want scream But that's good Means I'm still alive.

Means I know how to associate pain with happiness But Also means I'm strong enough to over come that pain By smiling By knowing one day all will come into place.

The puzzle may be missing pieces and some have been lost through out my life.

But they are there and they will one day be complete .

And when that day comes My heart and mind will in twine and awaken a deepen sense thats along been waiting .

A sense of fulfilment of love and happiness and my tears will still run through pain but it won't be in my eyes no more forever hid away

@trueemotions91

A brain is a weapon , mass destruction , out of any league of your imagination .

You think fire burns ever had your head like it’s going explode, a build up of pressure , you can’t control , the motherfucker just squeezes even harder.

Till you can’t take it no more .

That’s a war .

A war on the inside only you can defeat.

A war with yourself.

No one else can see .

Now if these thoughts automatically went what would that brain have left to wonder.

Is this the issue why we all at war with each other .

our brains are on a constant over drive.

Fighting with our own  imagination  . 

Why does our brain work this way .

Try so hard to turn the fucker off but hey ho it just feels a empty hole  .

What’s the point the ability .

If only we can feel the pain .

It is self destruction and every single one of us do it.

But why ?!

Why do we cause ourselfs so much hurt, crying , pain .

Why can’t we allow ourselfs to live in harmony.

Something crazy going on

I’m sure we weren’t created for our brains to self destruct from the inside out.

That’s what we are doing !

Scary crazy shit happening up here , only god must stare .

Self destruct on every brain.  

Hell no !

Its not the norm .

I’m sure

but how to defeat it

Is a whole other board game .

@trueemotions91