Spilled Guts - Blog Posts

You made darkness go from feeling like pitch black void to feeling like a blanket of indigo twilight

I love you

I’ll never forget that

Not as long as i live, not even after that, not until existence itself dies out, and even then the last star will fizzle out and whisper of the pure love i have for you

The love of someone saved by one who didn’t realize it, the love of someone who comes back to life out of the care of one who thinks themselves insignificant, the love of someone who wants to give the one they love everything and get only what that one wants to give. You could give me a bowl of burnt tomatoes and id eat it if i thought it would make you smile. And i hate tomatoes so much. But for you i would eat them.

And i know youd never ask me to do anything you thought was inconvenient or would make me uncomfortable but love i would walk through fire and snakes for you if i had to. Maybe not spiders but i would at least consider it very very hard before saying no unless you were in danger. Almost anyone else would be an immediate sorry bud but youre out of luck. I love you enough it would destroy me if you used it against me. But you never would, youd never be able to, and i love you so much i would never make you no matter what. And i will never destroy you. I may not know what to say or how to feel or how to help but i will never stop trying to support you. I will never stop trying to get you to fall in love with yourself the way falling i love with you made me fall in love with myself. But most of all i will never control you. I will never force you to do anything you really dont want to do except for trivial health things. The only way i will ever try to change you is to make you happier, hungrier, or more at peace with yourself. I will never stop trying to let you relax enough to realize just how much i love you

I love you

With everything i am

And with everything i ever will be

And i will never stop trying to show you that

Through kisses and hugs and late night laughs and tickles and soft looks and soul aching rambles and little gifts and tiny actions, i will never stop telling you i love you through words and through every detail and act i can think of

You werent sudden daylight in the dark, you’re the gentle moonlight on a summer night

I thought i crawled my way out of the dark, that i carved a home into that darkness all on my own. I had, in a sense. Then i met you. The darkness had ebbed back a bit from what i did, but when i met you it went from a flood to a kiddy pool. It wasnt sudden, that’s probably why i didnt notice it at first, but that darkness became easier. I went from completely lost, to clawing my way to a better place, to making friends with it, to letting it carry me through life until i met you, and then i started to actually live again. I didnt know how or why but being around you made me feel better. Even when i was dating a friend, even when i saw him in the morning and was happy to see him, i never felt that pure lightness i did when i was around you. And then we broke up. I got closer to you. I was falling in love without even realizing it. I fell in love with you slowly, a little more with every smile and giggle and late night conversation until suddenly i was in too deep to go back. It was like being caught in a riptide, only this time instead of being swept up into the dark i was swept into the arms of the sun. Even after i realized i loved you i didnt tell you for a couple months. I was scared to lose that warmth. I had gotten so used to the chill i didnt even realize i was cold, but then out of seemingly nowhere i was warm. It was completely unexpected but at the same time made complete sense. I didnt realize it was love for a long time, but what else could it be, it made total sense. Gods the first time i hugged you after telling you i love you really did feel like being in the arms of the sun. I used to be scared of physical contact. I still am in most ways, with most people. But with you, with you its a need, a craving so deep i dont think it’ll ever leave and i never want it too. And i dont know how it happened, but falling in love with you made that darkness change. I realized i had been trying to make it go away, but i never needed to do that. It’s still there, but it’s no longer lurking, waiting for me to slip into the undercurrent and carry me away, No. In falling in love with you i fell in love with the world, with life, with myself. It was the small things. The warmth of a hug, of the sun, the color of your eyes, then the color of my eyes, your smile, then one day i realized i didnt hate my smile like i used to. I had convinced myself that i looked horrible smiling and looked much prettier with a neutral expression. But around you i smiled so much, you smiled so much, that it made me realize my smile isnt bad at all. I still think i look prettier without a smile most times, but now i know i dont have a bad smile, and now im not afraid to smile. Which is a good thing bc whenever im around you i wanna smile. Anyway, darkness, sun, tides, all that stuff. I spent so long carving out a spot for myself in the darkness, but it wasnt until i fell in love with you, until i loved you, until you loved me, until i fell in love with pieces of myself and the world, that i realized i was wrong. I didnt need to fight the darkness, wrestle and fight the tide. No, i didnt need to do that at all. Darkness isnt something you fight. It isnt something you push away and reject, it’s something you embrace and let go of. Darkness isnt a fight, it’s a dance. The harder you fight to stay in control the more you get spun around and tripped up. Loving you and loving myself made me realize i needed to stop fighting and flow with the music. I dont need a thousand suns, i dont need a way to fix everything wrong with me, i dont need to think theres a million things wrong with me, i dont need to need anything like that. I just needed to be happy, to accept there are days the darkness is my friend, a comfort when the world gets too much, fuel for when i cant keep going. And there are days that the darkness is very much not my friend, where it is pure fear and stopping me from doing anything, where it makes me lash out and confused and hurt. And that’s ok. I dont need to be in control. I will never be in control of that.

It took falling in love to realize that.

Falling in love isnt the answer to everything, but it helped a lot more than i thought it would. I never looked for love, not like this. No, i didnt fight for this. This love grew naturally, and grew and grew and blossomed into the most beautiful thing. I will fight as hard as i need to keep this love, but i know i will never control it. I never want to control this love. This love that is wild and frantic and panic and soft touches and tender hugs and carefree smiles and safety and healing and good. This love that feels like sleeping after swimming for hours, this love that feels like following the moonlight on a trail to bed, this love that feels like smiling into dying embers on a night in spring when the world feels old and new and ancient and fresh and right. This love that feels like the home i always wanted, feels like the hugs i used to be too scared to want, feels like the world is finally peaceful without it inevitably being ripped away. I will never control this love, i will nevee fight this love, but i will always fight for this love if i need to, i will fight for you if i need to, but i no longer want to fight. I’ve spent years fighting, now i just want to be soft and spend my life with you. My life my heart my time my love it’s all yours

I don’t want to see

What is hidden beaneath the leaves

I’m scared it will shake my knees

Something I ain’t ready to please

I beg you

Don’t shake me to hard

I fall to fast

My soul won’t last

If you make me shiver

My heart will quiver

I don’t know when to stop

That’s when I lose the plot

I’m sorry

I can’t stumble

Upon these troubles

I want you to be happy

And

To show you inside

Would make us both the perfect disaster .

@trueemotions91

As gentle as a butterfly

But yet it lies

Like a spy

With a fly

Upon my wall ,

Glorious colours to distract the eye,

From what is hidden beneath its wall ,

I dare knock as I’m scared I will fall,

As something as pretty as that,

Will clearly make me a fool,

I don’t hold the jewels ,

To unleash her soul

I would make her into a grizzly ghoul

She touches upon my senses

Makes my insides, go dense

But god forgive me

She is to damn cold

When I try to keep a hold

Of her love.

@trueemotions91

A woman I see ,

More powerful then me ,

Because she holds the key

To the happiness in me ,

She can blow me a Gale,

Or create me a storm ,

She is my dearest ,

Who protects me in the wildest storm,

When I’m mad, she makes the world frown,

Oh believe me she can tip up even your crown ,

When I’m happy she sends me a sky full of clowns,

In the prettiest colours,

Who sing me a beautiful song

To make me feel proud,

When I’m cold ,

She holds me ever so close

warms me up with her gentle rays ,

When I’m hot , she don’t stop,

When I’m mad,

She blows the angles my way,

To whisper

It’ll be better another day.

@trueemotions91

Life one look one love , one heart one soul, one shot at this game .

Play wisely like a fool watch for the stars and fill the space .

Don’t let the clouds move that amstophre push them thoughts through quicker then a river.

Watch how it moves, watch how it trembles . It bears a lot of Weight but yet - never do it buckle .

To love, to loss ,to lose , to gain, to win , to climb.

To fly like a bird with the wind gliding your path.

You flip I flop .

You fall I climb .

@trueemotions91

My mind is my game , my soul in one blink.

 Try hard but I promise you will not see me !

 My brain is what makes me 

My legs , my arms, my heart , my eyes aint nothing unique to me

We all have these simple things ! 

But my brain ,

 hell yea this mother fucker on another league out here ! Controlling my bodily functions , 

controlling my mind , 

Voice  in my head that i can not hide ! Can turn you off quicker then you think ! 

But your mind will keep tick tick tick

A million voltages dash around, 

But  do we really understand how we are ground ! My mother taught me feet rooted hard but My feet can take off, 

not rooted hard but my brain is connected stem and all.

Belive me when I say

Ain’t no escaping this uncontrolled machine !

@trueemotions91

A brain is a weapon , mass destruction , out of any league of your imagination .

You think fire burns ever had your head like it’s going explode, a build up of pressure , you can’t control , the motherfucker just squeezes even harder.

Till you can’t take it no more .

That’s a war .

A war on the inside only you can defeat.

A war with yourself.

No one else can see .

Now if these thoughts automatically went what would that brain have left to wonder.

Is this the issue why we all at war with each other .

our brains are on a constant over drive.

Fighting with our own  imagination  . 

Why does our brain work this way .

Try so hard to turn the fucker off but hey ho it just feels a empty hole  .

What’s the point the ability .

If only we can feel the pain .

It is self destruction and every single one of us do it.

But why ?!

Why do we cause ourselfs so much hurt, crying , pain .

Why can’t we allow ourselfs to live in harmony.

Something crazy going on

I’m sure we weren’t created for our brains to self destruct from the inside out.

That’s what we are doing !

Scary crazy shit happening up here , only god must stare .

Self destruct on every brain.  

Hell no !

Its not the norm .

I’m sure

but how to defeat it

Is a whole other board game .

@trueemotions91

Happy Birthday Olivia Rodrigo