Personal Essay - Blog Posts

I've been writing a thing about the connection between fiber arts and activism throughout history for the past couple days

Which one of you bitches was gonna tell me that it can actually be enjoyable to write like this when you aren't being marked for it???

i really enjoyed writting random stuff about cars 2006 and now i wanna write more stuff but like better and deeper and now I'm scared and frozen

Cars Headlights

Cars is a 2006 animated Disney Pixar movie that follows the race car Lightning McQueen through his journey of self-discovery and getting over his ego. The movie has two sequels (creatively named Cars 2 and Cars 3), as well as a short mini-series and two non-Pixar Disney movies, Planes (2013) and Planes: Fire & Rescue(2014), that focus on the planes in this universe. In this essay(?), I will be focusing primarily on the first movie, and there will be mentions of the sequels. 

As a child born in the 2000s, I have seen Cars and Cars 2 more times than I can count, and these movies have consequently burned themselves into my mind. Despite the place they hold in my memory, they do not share a similar place in my heart. In my effort to gain a sort of love for these movies, I am going to add feminism and gender politics. I am not really answering questions but just proposing them.

PART 1: Miatas and their tatas

At the beginning of the first Cars movie, a pair of Lightning McQueen superfan Miatas flash their headlights at Lightning. When they do this, the implication is that they are flashing their tits at mcqueen, a joke aimed at the adults watching the movie with their children. While the moment is brief and no more than a throwaway gag, it provokes many questions for me in regard to gender and sexuality in the Cars universe. While it is scandalous for these cars to show their headlights, it is normal and expected for the vast majority of cars to always have their headlights out. What separates these groups is whether they choose immodesty or have no choice but immodesty. Cars with no covering for their headlights lack a natural choice for modesty and are allowed to be immodest in a way the other group, through no fault of their own, cannot. By the nature of their birth, blinky light cars are forced to conform to a set of morals and modesty that those around them do not. This makes me think of the difference in treatment of men’s tits versus women’s tits. Men can walk around shirtless all they want with no repercussions. It is normal for men to go full frontal at the beach or pool in a way that would be shocking and illegal for women. If anything, efforts to cover men’s tits will be seen as more immodest and more taboo than it is not to cover them. This matches the cars that do not have blinky headlights in the world of cars. In this logic, cars without winky headlights are men, and those with them are women. Women are expected and forced to coverup their boobs because of their average relative size compared to men and social conditioning that sexualizes women’s tits. Like the cars with headlights that can be hidden, the fat deposits granted to cis women at birth (more accurately puberty) cause them to be othered by the other half of society. Women have more there than men most of the time and are motivated to cover up. If you have DDD boobs, you’re gonna to want to support them and consequently cover them. This natural feature of a person leads to them being naturally drawn to a place of modesty. On the winky eye cars, their natural state draws them towards modesty as, at rest, their headlights are closed. While they might not always want their headlights out, like how women don’t always want their tits out, headlights are an important bodily function for these cars. Do these cars face oppression for their natural traits like women do in our society? If these cars are driving at night, is there the risk that those around them will be distracted by the usage of a stigmatized and sexualized part the same way we stigmatize breastfeeding mothers? 

PART 2: big tits or little, that is the question 

The cars all generally have small headlights, and the more attractive a car is, the smaller their headlights tend to be. The character Flo (see Flo’s Diner) is a character with noticeably small/missing headlights. Flo’s headlights are tiny, disguised as dimples. Does minimizing a body part that can be associated with femininity make a car more attractive, like how society rejects femininity in favor of masculinity? 

Side note: they could be nipple piercings

Another such car is the background character Kori Turbowitz's, a 2005 Luxomobile Animatic. Kori noticeably has headlight indents but no headlights. While it is not outright stated that she is attractive, I am going to assume that the female sports reporter is attractive, as is often seen in real life. She presents as female and makes me wonder if her lack of headlights is an attempt to conform to the high-speed racing culture she has dedicated her life to.

Now, the character Sally throws a big old wrench in my argument with her bigger and noticeable headlights. I think that this issue is explained by analyzing Sally as a character. Itty bitty titty headlight girlies are trying to conform to the popular beauty standards with their small head lights. Sally has put that all behind her, though, moving to a small town. I believe she is a canonically attractive car. I had trouble finding places that stated what cars were canonically attractive. I am leaning towards she is due to the tramp stamp and Lightning’s reaction to seeing her. Sally is attractive, but in a different way from the other girl cars. She’s not like the other girls, and she’s like the girl next door. Her objectively huge headlights(tits) are a reflection of how she ignores/rejects the popular mini headlight look. Shes a real woman(car) with real tits(headlights). In a move that can be seen as either sexist or feminist, I’m leaning towards sexist, Sally is rewarded for her rejection of popular beauty standards with Lightning McQueen. From a feminist perspective, she is rejecting the restricting standards of society. From a sexist perspective, Sally is rewarded for rejecting femininity and being “not like other girls”.

PART 3: Transformers?

While we do not meet any canonically trans or non-binary cars over the course of the series, it can be assumed that these cars do exist based on the gender parallels already shown between our world and their world. If we had male and female presenting cars, it is reasonable to assume there are also trans and non-binary cars. 

 Cosmetic care in the movies includes treatments such as paint, stickers, tires, and headlight covers. Is this as far as cosmetic care can go, or is it possible to sharpen or round out angles for gender affirming care? In the real world, you can change the shell of a car, although with much fuss, and it’s probably not a good idea for most people. For trans cars, is it possible for them to change their entire shell? If they can, gender confirming surgery would have amazing outcomes in their world. 

Side note: if they can change shells, is identity theft a bigger issue?

CONCLUSION:

Overall, the cars live in a society far too similar to ours out with their beauty standards and sexism, and I think we should blow them all up with gas and a laser. 

Works Cited

My brain

If you actually read this whole thing I'm so sorry and thank you so much I wanna hear what other people have to say on this

I just wrote a 3-4 ish page essay on Pixar cars and their headlights/tits what do I do with this

I just wrote a 3-4 ish page essay on Pixar cars and their headlights/tits what do I do with this

Excerpt from 'I might say something stupid'

This summer was spent hotboxing my closet and eating mangoes on the living room couch. I forgot things as soon as people said them. 

Nothing bad has ever happened. Not to me then and not to me now. I scrub at the wine stain on my jersey. I love open bar events. 

I spent two weeks as a camp counselor even though looking at children makes me feel sick to my stomach. In each one I see myself and wonder how anyone ever hurt me. 

sohelpmegod.substack.com

I might say something stupid

Brat summer, or innate goodness and suicidal tendencies summer

The Poet E.E. Cummings once described the moon as "the Lily of the Heavens". Our word Lily comes from the Greek word Lilium which could mean "Pure", the Greeks called the flower Leirion meaning "True". The painter, Claude Monet very famously painted a collection of over two hundred and fifty impressionist art pieces of water lilies, that specific genus is called Nymphaea, which has the root of the Greek word Nymph, meaning bride. Some now use that word in relation to beauty. A large portion of Monet's paintings were created after the death of his wife, during and/or post-world-war-two. And some of these paintings as well were composed while he had cataracts. The products of the clouded vision of his eyes. I have been lucky enough to witness some of the paintings myself, some here in Indy, while we had them on exhibit during Newfield's "Monet and Friends", or on their permeant exhibit in Chicago, or in Cleveland or where have you. I think it's something so beautiful that we get to interact with art on these levels where our human experience is so contextual and subjective. Just so particular to us as singular individuals. Like you probably will view George Hitchcock's Calypso in a totally different light than I will. I will see it as a piece of art depicting a woman, mourning and grieving the loss of her lover Odysseus. Longing, Pining, Loving. You might just see it as a painting of a sea nymph, a "water lily" one might say now that you know some other words. But art is also objective, and out-of-context sometimes too. Monet states in his own observation and intention of his works “it would produce the illusion of an endless whole, of water with no horizon and no shore”. That is to say like the reach of their intention is finite, but our interaction and interpretation of it is in-finite. It is not definite. An “Endless Whole”. You might know that I, as an individual, I don't view grief/love, joy/sorrow as separate things. They are the same coin, and they buy into this great experience called life. And in contradiction to that, they are probably not too dissimilar as well to “water with no horizon or shore”. Monet probably painted these painting and thought of his wife, Monet probably painted and thought of the war going on around him. E.E. Cummings probably wrote his poems at about or around the same time Monet was painting his collection. While also(!) George Hitchcock was painting "Calypso". Isn’t that beautiful? The Rendering of Associations. I'd like to call it. If we use some entomologic arguments here based off of what I’ve told you in this ‘dissertation’ (jokingly, basically), one might be able build off what Cummings wrote as "the Moon, the true pure beauty of the Heavens.”. Like what have I spent the last five-hundred-some-odd words writing about here. Painters and Paintings? Poetry? Love? Loss? Have I been writing this to the Moon, or is it to you maybe? Or this to one particular special person right now that I think about in my reflections of the moon, or flowers or water? These ‘Illusions’ as Monet might describe or in my case here an allusion of a seamless image. “The Rendering of Associations of The Endless Whole of Life.”

Musing on “Adult Life”

The Phrase “Well that sounds like Adult Life” accompanied by the indicative chuckle as if I am nothing but a lowly child instead of a full-fledged adult who pays their own bills and holds a degree in a field you can barely pronounce, much less understand. 

You have no interest in anything except your own personal gain and whatever you are interested in that moment, which has been the same topic since you were literally 14. 

I refuse to apologize for having ambition, 

I refuse to apologize for expecting others to do their damn jobs so that I could do mine 

I refuse to apologize for being me 

"Sit down" she said

"Stop fidgeting" he reminded

"I swear if you don't stop MOVING" they threatened

until one day one didn't

The teacher didn't say "Sit down" or "Stop moving" she said "here, when you get bored or finish an assignment I want you to describe to me what you are going to do on the playground"

This simple kindness to a small hyperactive child turned into teams of paper preoccupation detailing the grand adventures of various heroes, heroines, dragons and ponies as they battled vicious creatures discovered new locales and made friends along the way fostering forever in me a childlike wonder for the magic of the written word.

I narrate shit I write now, whoot

Please read the tags for tw

"Weird one out"

— Forgetting one's true self to find friendship.

There's something so sad about being alone, for the sole reason that you were different. You just can't seem to fit in, you try to blend in, compete in competitions to be seen, butt into group discussions, and replacing your humor and true self to be seen, heard, and most importantly; to avoid being left out.

"You're weird."

They laugh at you, of course as a joke. They think you're quirky, a bit out of place, and awkward. You're funny to them, you're finally seen, but as a joke. It's a bitter moment for you but that's okay, it really is. It's okay because they're friendly now, right? You're their friend now, you're a part of them, all you have to do is to be funny because that's what they want from you. You need to act on this comedic persona so you'll finally have friends, don't worry they'll eventually see who you truly are once they're comfortable with you.

But they don't.

Who the hell are you kidding? You're just a casual friend to them— no, you're just an acquaintance. Oh well, you'll find other groups to try and fit in, and then you did! The kids behind class are just as quirky as you so that means they'll understand, right? With the first few you weren't so lucky but this time is different. They're different, just like you.

But they don't like you.

You don't exactly fit their archetype of what is "quirky". Unfortunately you don't fit the aesthetic they were hoping for. Even to the smaller groups you don't fit in, because they've made up their minds on who and what they are as a person. They don't know the true you since you put up too many faces to hide what's beneath, you're weird not because you're you, but because you don't even know who you are anymore.

Everyone knows you differently, in the pursuit to find companionship you've created too many faces for only one body. Which one is your true face? Do you even know yourself anymore?

It's so lonely out here.

In the first verse its him being hopelessly in love. I specifically used the phrase "You were mine" over and over in reference to the signing of all their letters between each other with "yrs" and the last one was signed "yrs forever" and he sent it a day before Laurens died so we dont know if he even got it. Never getting over that. Then we have the classic homophobic dad, shattering his manic pixie girl dreams (he wanted to live in a cottage in the woods with Alex and 17 cats). Then the next verse is about how helpless he made him feel (reference) and you know when you like someone and its all wobbly and they consume your every waking thought and they can send you spiraling with a glance. Yeah that. Then "trying to find an explanation for every line" is him panicking because what if people find out? How will I make them think we were just guys being bros when its so painfully obvious I loved him? Are we throwing away our shot (reference) at making the history books with this relationship? Is it worth it? Then he realises that history has its ways of doing that for them, somewhere along the line it'll get twisted and our relationship will be called platonic. Then he's wondering if he really wants that? It's dangerous to pretend. It's just not true. Homophobic dad part 2 when he finds the letters. [Enter homophobic dog meme: I know what you are] Now he turns on Alex, he says Alex doesn't care for their legacy, Laurens worries for their impact on history which he might not get to make if this gets out. "they will erase us from the narrative" and Laurens being glad they will, and then the repeated phrase "the war never ended". this bit is important because it has a double meaning. 1: When the war ended, he died straight after, so yes, for him the war never ended it pretty much carried on to the end of his life. 2: His inner battles/war over his relationship w Hamilton and all the other internal stuff, which is what the song is about. This is followed up by the realisation that the world has no right to know about their personal lives, basically. Then the final decision to keep the memories. The last line is a quiet "i hope they dont burn" in reference to the letters/memories.

Oof thats a lot. okay i hope you enjoyed

Burn (Laurens' version)

I saved every letter you wrote me

From the moment I read them,

I knew you were mine

You said you were mine

You really were mine

Do you know what my father said

When I ripped your first letter open?

He said, "Be careful with that one, son

I don't see a point in you hoping,"

You and your words flooded my senses.

Your sentences left me defenseless

You ruined palaces with your paragraphs

You wrecked cathedrals

I'm re-reading the letters you wrote me

Trying to find an explanation for every line

Each word is a sign

You really were mine

The world could just burn

Burn

They'll destroy all the letters I wrote you

They'll fool the whole world into thinking that we were just friends

A dangerous game

They have hidden our lives.

Do you know what my father said

When he found the letters in file

He said, "In all your affections,

He is making you more than just smile,"

You and your words,

No care for our legacy

Your sentences border on senseless

And I am made paranoid by every paragraph

How will they perceive you?

You, you, you

They will erase us from the narrative

Let future historians wonder,

What happened to Laurens?

When the war ended

The war never ended

I watch my heart burn

Watching it burn

The world has no right to my heart

The world cannot see in my head

They don't get to know what I said

They're burning the memories

Burning the letters

That might have exposed you

I wish you could stay in my heart

You won't leave your place in my head

I'll love you in silence instead

I'm keeping the memories of when you were mine

I hope they don't burn

So this is a rewrite of Burn from Hamilton in the perspective of John Laurens because they were gay. Idk what else to say tbh. ill post an analysis of it later if i can be bothered

If I were to write an essay about how the cannibalization of mummies by the Europeans because of misplaced medicinal beliefs that ended up causing their rarity would you all like me to post it here??

I’m going to give you guys a run down of what just happened in one of my classes. For a little background we were given a creative writing unit and had to write about something we were really interested in and I wrote about the Aldabra Rail.

My teacher: okay everyone, times up turn in your essays.

Me: *turns in several pages with the title on the first being The Aldabra Rail*

My Teacher: Icarus what the fuck is this

Me: my essay?

My Teacher: Icarus I meant like 500 words max why are there like ten pages here *insert concern*

Me: oh oops

So yea, I turned in about 4000 words about a bird to my teacher all while not being able to write even ten words on one of my wip fics

Story #62 "My best learning experience"

Originally written as a CELTA admission essay.

It’d be fair to say that one of my best learning experiences was the one I gained being a member of the “Teachers Teach Teachers” project. In a nutshell, that’s a program created by a teacher trainer and business coach Anita Modestova, where teachers are given a unique, almost once-in-a-lifetime opportunity to be taught by their fellow teachers, teach their peers themselves, discuss the methodology aspects of the overall teaching process, as well as receive the extended detailed feedback.

As a basis, we used Hugh Dellar’s “Outcomes Advanced” coursebook, implementing both the communicative and the lexical approaches. Every month, one of the participants, was nominated to teach their colleagues and Hugh, himself, hosted workshops for teachers of the month. We discussed strategies, shared our ideas for exercises, planned the whole lesson together, and in the next meeting exchanged good and bad outcomes and what needed to be improved.

Having lessons weekly, it took us roughly three years to go through the whole coursebook. Not only I became more confident as a teacher, but I got plenty of insights as a student, especially on teaching online. It was a safe place for me to implement new ideas and experiment with my own teaching style as well as test out any unconventional methods. For instance, at one point my third-year mentor Ben Brooks pointed out how much better it might be to let all students stay in the main room for an active discussion instead of dividing them into pairs. That was when I saw that sometimes the MR works better than break-out rooms, and later that year I gave a speech at the “Meaningful Weekend” conference about the whole thing and how beneficial it could be.

All in all, I’m extremely grateful for that experience and believe that it is partially responsible for what kind of teacher I am now.

Story #61 "What is a good teacher?"

Originally written as a CELTA admission essay.

What is a good teacher? What qualities one should possess to be considered a poster child for teaching? And who is to tell a good teacher from the bad one, and make the final decision? They say “Beauty is in the eye of the beholder.” Perhaps, to an extent, it’s fair for a good vs. bad teacher as well.

When I did my TESOL course a year ago, I was asked to write an essay on my teaching philosophy, and at some point, I started contemplating what a good teacher was in my opinion, and whether I, myself, met those standards. I might repeat myself here with what I wrote in the past, but thinking back now, I stand by my words. 

I’m firmly convinced that a good teacher is a teacher who knows how to convey the information they prepared for the lesson and is able to present the material in a practicable and entertaining way, as well as be capable of engaging students in different communicative activities to provide them with vocabulary and grammar sufficient for successful communication. That kind of teacher knows the ultimate goal of any exercise they give and sets short-term and long-term aims for themselves and their students.

A good teacher knows how to encourage a student to use actively the learning strategies such as asking questions, making notes, and not being afraid of making mistakes. They can explain that experimenting with the language is impossible without mistakes, and get sure students feel confident enough in a classroom. As a rule, a good teacher sticks to the 80/20 strategy and knows how to reduce teacher talking time and increase student talking time.

They want to pass on not only their knowledge but their passion for languages and sow the seeds of the idea that any learning indeed is an exciting process a student can benefit from. A good teacher strives to show their students that there is no extrinsic motivation they need to study as they can find it within themselves. As a teacher, I try to be that source of motivation and enthusiasm for my students.