Im So Angry - Blog Posts

Bella in the movies: bland, fragile, barely any emotion, madly in love with edward and has virtually no flaws because shes a husk of who she could be, clumsy and ditzy

Bella in the books: sarcastic, highkey autistic, still clumsy, finds flaws with edward but loves him anyway ig, steals a car to save her mom, always feeling something like confusion, sadness and frustration towards the peeps in her life

They did my girl dirty in Twilight but that doesn't mean i want a

REBOOT STAY AWAY FROM TWILIGHT DIRTBAGS!!!!

Monday, May 29th, 2023

3:29pm

Here’s the texts of when I texted my older sister, 5 months after everything that happened while I was in New York City with her.

Here’s what I said to her:

Part 2 Part 3 Part 4 Part 5 Part 6 Part 7

Stop- I hate him sm 😭😭😭😭

scum love (new playlist, cause my bf and I broke up on monday)

slutgarden - marilyn manson

no mercy - deathbyromy

zitti e buoni - måneskin

cockroach waltz - jack off jill

wait and bleed - slipknot

skinny little bitch - hole

rabbitteen - jack off jill

la paula de buio - måneskin

everything's brown - jack off jill

angst - leftovers

dead! - mcr

w1nner - tj_beastboy

kinderzimmer - leftovers

bla bla bla - måneskin

she said - the jins

underjoyed - jack off jill

du bist schon tot bevor du lebst - leftovers

left behind - slipknot

endless, nameless - nirvana

(if I would need to describe my relationship I would say: jack off jill and leftovers songs)

"i never see you getting angry, when i was your age i used to be so, so angry"

perhaps we're more similar then i think mother, i don't think I've stopped screaming internally since the 7th grade, the amount of violence it took to convert my tears into deep-rooted anger, but i listen to your sad past anyways, unflinchingly, all my anger directed towards my grandmother, and her grandmother, and hers, a long line of cruel women, who in turn built crueler versions of themselves. i can't tell you about how each time i look into a mirror, i see not myself, but all the crueler and harder versions of me, and i see you, the woman i swore not to be when i was little.

i cursed you for sacrificing so much, but I'm older now mama, now i feel the same rage as you do and i curse at how you are all i could be in the future, with the same screaming daughter inside.

I'm 99% I'm about to have a meltdown or am currently experiencing one because I want to scream and cry and hit something and hurt myself and everything is going wrong and feels wrong and I can't breathe and I'm scared I'm going to lash out at my friends even though I don't want to and they haven't done anything wrong and I feel so guilty for just feeling angry at them even though I haven't even said or done anything to them as of yet and I just feel so guilty for just being angry and for experiencing a meltdown and I'm so scared of being mean and angry and hurting them and I'm scared of them seeing me like this cause it's not pretty or easy and it's not fair on them having to deal with it and be around me while I'm like this but nothing is helping and I'm scared, so so scared and one of my friends (who is on the waiting list for an autism assessment and has an autistic sibling) told me they don't see autism as a disability but as a gift but it really doesn't feel like it, especially right now (and in fact this entire week) when i feel like this because omfg is it fucking agonising. I can't even put into words how much it physically hurts and aches and I hate it and I hate that because I'm lower support needs people think it doesn't affect me as much or that it isn't so difficult as to my detriment as if it doesn't affect and impair all parts of my fucking life.

Actavis you and I need to have a conversation because what the fuck

Why

The fuck

Is your pill bottles so goddamned big???

That thing is like half the size of my hand and contains thirty tiny ass pills

They barely cover the fucking bottom. You could have made it half that size and still have more than enough space for the fucking pills

W H Y ???

WHATS THE FUCKING POINT???

i told you i loved the night we spent together

i wish i could have captured the grin you wore

so proud of the terrible things you did to me

how i love that smile

the same lips that grazed my skin not long ago

the same hands that caressed my body

the same hair that I tugged on as i made a show of your acts

it was only an act

all of the good things came to an end

the heavy breathing started

my lungs were collapsing

my heart forgot to beat

it was too busy aching to love you

wishing to be more than just a body

You know what’s fucked up to me? That I feel the need—now want, but in the beginning it was a feeling that it was my onus to fight. I grew up too fast, faced and burdened by the cruelties of the world. As a kid, I never wanted anything more than simplicity. Now? I feel it’s my duty—a chore, it seems at times—to worry myself to insanity over people I don’t know. I turn on the news and you know what I see? Chaos. Not controlled chaos. No. Pure, unrelenting, pain-fuelled chaos. My aspirations are now to go to law school instead of become a teacher or something simple that I’d enjoy. Not because of the money, no that’s not why I want to be a lawyer, but because I feel I owe it to the people who take the hate and violence I’m too scared to admit I should be shouldering too. These people came out and, even though there was the chance—almost guarantee—that they’d face violence, prejudice, hate, and be stripped of basic human rights. I should still be able to be a kid. Not because of my age or immaturity. But because I should be able to enjoy life; not fear it.