I Wanna Be Skinnier - Blog Posts

🎀Why🎀 can't🎀 I🎀 just🎀 be🎀 those 🎀 anorexic🎀 girls🎀 with 🎀my 🎀knees🎀 to🎀 my🎀 chest🎀 next 🎀to🎀 my 🎀bath🎀 tub 🎀making🎀 sad🎀 depressed🎀 tiktoks?? 🎀

HUH TELL ME FUCKING WHY

Ngl an ana coach would be nice.

I started a whole new routine and it's so much better than it was.

As much as I don't like working out and sweating I decided to put effort in.

An hour and a half on the treadmill is not that much.

૮ฅ・ﻌ・აฅ NOVEMBER

I decided that I am kot gonna date things lmao. Kinda feeling mentay frustrated, so I hoped a break would make it better. It, in fact, did not.

I am in one discord server and people are really really nice, but I feel like I abandoned that server and I just dunno. I'd like a community where I can ramble about my silly things and people motivate eachother to push through things. Don't get me wrong, like I said they are really nice, motivating and everything. I just feel like I didn't connect much, but that can be just me.

Anyhow, a gaming-ana server is what I wanna make. For sillies that are like me idk. I might just need more friends lmaoo.

Also I have been fasting for two days now but my period just decided to come, so ugh. Fortunately whenever it happens I don't feel much hunger, so I can just fast and be happy. I am planning on going til saturday because I am meeting up with a friend that day and we already made plans to visit a café. Im sure he will make a suggestion to eat something somewhere too.

So yes yippee. That is for this update. I might restart the logging.

૮ฅ・ﻌ・აฅ OCTOBER 13

I went to school today, but didn't have the best day, because I got angry at my classmate for some silly reason, so I feel like I need to apologise. Maybe it was the hunger in me, maybe I just didn't sleep well.

Also I took a walk on the treadmill again to get to 10k steps. Dunno if I mentioned or not but whenever I don't get to at least 6k steps I feel guilt and I feel like I don't put in the work I should.

Once again didn't exercise. I could blame it on the absence of a watch that would note the calories I burnt, but I would be lying. Well half lying. I may be just too lazy.

✧ ° ｡ʚ 🍓 ɞ ｡° ✧

➁ Plain black coffee 200ml - 0 cal

➀ Pickwick green tea 250ml (strawberry & lemongrass) - 0 cal

➁ Green apples 140g - 81 cal

➂ Eggs with light mayo 83g - 119 + 24 cal

Water - 1,2l/2l

Full - 224 cal

✧ ° ｡ʚ 🍓 ɞ ｡° ✧

Steps - 10499/10000 - 422 cal

Exercise - No - 0 cal

Burned - 422 cal

What the hell noone told me losing weight is so addictive. I can already feel my hipbone and ribs so much????

૮ฅ・ﻌ・აฅ OCTOBER 12

I stayed home, just like yesterday and this pressure of not putting in enough steps for me to feel comfortable was getting too much so I decided go use the treadmill and walk on it for an hour and 50 minutes. It was so good honestly, in the confinement of my own home, comfortable and quiet while I can do whatever as I walk and I don't need to look out for people I would bump into or cars that could hit me.

Sadly as much as I promised myself to eat as little as possible when mom came home, saying she bought some cookies and sweets I caved. I may have mentioned this, I am not one to crave sweet things, especially if it's sticky, full of cream and sugar. Yeah, well to my misfortune everything she brought home was notjing of sort, so I indulged. Lavender cookies, snow crescents, small piece of bundt cake and gingerbread macaroons. I could look for a basic recipe but I doupt I could calculate the correct estimate of calories.

I try not to dwell, thoughts of simply not listing these down had ran through my mind but I would be only lying to my own self.

✧ ° ｡ʚ 🍓 ɞ ｡° ✧

➀ Plain black coffee 200ml - 0 cal

➁ Pickwick green tea 250ml (strawberry & lemongrass) - 0 cal

➀ Hell energy drink 250ml (lemon & ginger) - 118 cal

➁ Green apples 326g - 189 cal

➂ Eggs 130g - 186 cal

Water - 1,6l/2l

Full - 493 cal

✧ ° ｡ʚ 🍓 ɞ ｡° ✧

Steps - 11781/10000 - 476 cal

Exercise - No - 0 cal

Burned - 476 cal

૮ฅ・ﻌ・აฅ OCTOBER 11

Broke my 60 hour fast with some tuna today. (To be honest I don't remember what exactly I wanted to note down, because I am writing this on the 13th so im sorry)

I really want to restrain myself from snacking on things while I cook and/or bake, because I ate so many seedless cherries, what wouldn't be a problem, but they were kept in a sugary water that preserves the cherries for longer and ugh. I don't even know how I should estimate that.

✧ ° ｡ʚ 🍓 ɞ ｡° ✧

➁ Plain black coffee 200ml - 0 cal

➀ Pickwick green tea 250ml (strawberry & lemongrass) - 0 cal

➀ Tuna with tomatoes - 157 cal

➅ Shrimp chips 13g - 45 cal

➀ Cinnamon roll - 199 cal

➃ Choco-coconut balls - 431 cal

Water - 1,7l/2l

Full - 832 cal

✧ ° ｡ʚ 🍓 ɞ ｡° ✧

Steps - 6953/10000 - 281 cal

Exercise - No - 0 cal

Burned - 281 cal

I love my wrists because they are not thick and I can see how much I have already lost but every damn fucking time i look at my ankles I wanna cry because they are so thick.

For what reason??? Ugh...

૮ฅ・ﻌ・აฅ OCTOBER 10

I started my red days today and feel really poopie right now. Fortunately we have strong medicine for cramps at home so I will live. I fasted down the weight I put in during the weekend but now I have a feeling that it may or may not have been because of the approach of my period. It doesn't really matter.

Been craving garlic cream soup for a while now, but since its a cream soup I'm sure it's full of unnecessary calories that I don't need rn. Plus I would be too lazy to cook it so im better off fasting.

My sister asked me if I wanted to try her lavender green tea she bought and I was stupid enought to put some sugar substitute (0 cal) and a bit of lemon juice in it, even though I am used to drink plain tea.

Also I have been thinking that I should start working out but I really hate the feeling of sweat on my body, so I'm gonna look for something that is not too tiring for the mornings and not too time consuming.

✧ ° ｡ʚ 🍓 ɞ ｡° ✧

➁ Plain black coffee 200ml - 0 cal

➀ Pickwick green tea 250ml (strawberry & lemongrass) - 0 cal

➀ Lavender green tea 450ml - 0 cal

Water - 1,7l/2l

Full - 0 cal

✧ ° ｡ʚ 🍓 ɞ ｡° ✧

Steps - 6953/10000 - 281 cal

Exercise - No - 0 cal

Burned - 281 cal

૮ฅ・ﻌ・აฅ OCTOBER'S FIRST WEEKEND/WEEK SUMMARY

✧ ° ｡ʚ 🍓 ɞ ｡° ✧

Unfortunately I did not finish my fast, nor did I held back on "binging". I went out with my friends and slept over at my best friend's house who kept feeding me because she doesn't want me to be hungry even tho I told her that I am not, then when her mother came home she made sure I ate again so yes.

I appreciate them, because they are so nice and caring, but how can I keep up my plans if they want to disrupt it along with my family.

Fortunately I am home and tomorrow is monday. I forgot to buy a pass for trams so I will be walking everywhere this month, whether I like it or not.

I'd like to get better, as in try not to beak fasts because I have a sudden urge to binge or because I crave something, or because of family. Sure there are instances when you simply just cannot refuse because it would be suspicious.

Anyhow, this week was kind of a failure, but it's fine. I try and that matters. I reached my first gw this week, even though the weekend made me gain 1.5kg back, so that was one success.

For the next upcoming week, I wanna loose at least what I gained back, then 2kg more. That is what seems realistic as for now.

✧ ° ｡ʚ 🍓 ɞ ｡° ✧

Why am I like this? I know I need to lose and I just binge and eat all the sweet things even though I literally don't like sugary sweet things...

I need to loose 5kg in 10 days or I will feel like I failed myself yippee!!

My best friend told me the lowest I should go is 55kg. I am still planning on going until i reach 45kg.

God I love the fact that my brother works out and is a sportsman. There are supplements here at home that help me lose weight much quicker♡♡