I Loved You - Blog Posts

Mood.

i tore myself apart, trying to give you the whole world. and when i returned - bloodied, exhausted and proud - somehow, for you it still wasn't enough.

-a.m. {will i ever be?}

i am littered by imperfections

and scarred through carvings unspoken, red and bleeding from my heart.

where it is deformed are my insecurities, aching, palpitating, alive like a vicious monster which manifests itself and plunges out of my chest.

it tears my heart and brains inside out, searching to pick up broken shards of my flaws. it points the sharpest edges of the shard and drags it along my raw, hot flesh, warm blood spilling all over the floor.

but all the things i hold dear keep my heart beating, and so it gathers flesh, blood and veins and puts everything together again.

and i find my way of life to keep living. i cling onto those precious things and beliefs that keep me going.

but you just have to invalidate those things, my struggles, and that hideous monster scratching at the thin walls of my heart.

my heart absorbs every suffering of mine. it screams in pain. and grows in size. until it eats up my organs to be as large as my torso. my enlarged heart suffocates me as it beats hard and fast within, as if begging to be let out. but now i have to go to you, i miss you, i love you.

so i crawl towards you, leaving pools of blood and tears behind.

“please, hold me, i’m going to burst. i miss you so much, my love.”

there you are, standing tall. your figure is reflected in my blood-shot pupils, and the soft glow of light and love enveloping you stands stark against the glossy crimson spreading from the whites of my eyes.

“love, please. i’m naive and stupid, but can’t you see i love you so much? please don’t be disgusted. please don’t turn away from me. i’m sorry i’m so annoying.”

then, you kneel down, closer and closer to me. my light, my love, you’re about to hold me again, i’m so happy —

my skin tears apart with a snap. it bursts out of my body, and my head melds into the life-sized heart that is beating loudly, bleeding waterfalls of blood on the floor.

you pull away from the gruesome sight. you’re soaked in blood from head to toe, and sick of seeing the deformations that are alive by themselves, still bending and twisting my heart grotesquely. so you stand up and leave.

inside of the heart is a small version of myself. i call out for you, and wait for you, and scream for you and cry for you, but it is futile now.

so now i bleed for you, knowing you just squashed my feelings to pulps of flesh on the floor.

“what is wrong with me?”

“it is because you’re hard to be loved.”

“no, it’s not. it’s because we were too young…”

i really hated boys. but for the first time, i trusted you to love me.

you gave your naive love, but i gave you my bleeding heart.

i loved you with all of my heart, i really loved you.

i shouldn’t give a fuck, and i really hate to see you, but i just don’t understand myself… why i keep haunting myself with thoughts of looking at you from afar, for the last time.

but i’ll try to be like you. i won’t come looking for you. i will leave those ugly thoughts alone, just like how you were determined to leave me then.

let’s not see each other for the rest of our lives.

She will be loved.......I want to make you feel beautiful...........look for the girl with a broken smile.........and she will be loved.........................

Maroon 5

My final note to you

I still love you. Just not enough to cry about it anymore. Just not enough to ruin my life. You are like… something that I like to look at. And listen to, talk with, joke with, be around. But something I will never have. That’s okay. I am just fine watching you from afar.

At this point being in love with you has become a part of my personality. So what’ll happen if I stop?

Complacency masked by the gentle glove of understanding,

(my friends always did say I was too accommodating).

And you- this poor, poor boy who was caught in the middle of a drama.

(You call it a drama, I call it the thing that makes me feel unsafe in my own skin)

“You cannot expect me to throw away 5 years of friendship”

I said okay, okay.

I did not want the assault to take away my friendships after it took

The deep appreciation I used to have for this body

My smile

My life.

But today I saw you give the man that raped me a big hug. 

You know- those big i-missed-you man hugs?

I felt the anger tear across my palms, two fists ready to meet the drywall. 

How could you. 

You know what he did.

You know what he took from me.

And I realise you didn’t care.

Because it was not your body he turned inside out. 

It was not your tongue he ripped from your throat. 

You give him a hug full of familiarity and love. 

I don't want to forgive you. 

I don’t want to pretend it’s all alright.

I won’t roll over and accept it this time.