Borderline Culture Is - Blog Posts

THEY REPLACED ME

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they said i was their favourite

they said they loved me

they said that IM their number one

WHY DID THEY REPLACE ME

DID I JST MEAN NOTHING TO THEM

DID THEY JST LIE THIS WHOLE TIME

IF THEY WERE TELLING THE TRUTH, HOW DID THEY REPLACE ME SO EASILY

am i rlly that replaceable?

to that one person

no revenge bcz one day ull realize i only had the purest intentions towards u, i never hurt u, all i did was love u, n i hope ull realize it n that itll haunt u for the rest of ur life

you might not like me anymore but ill always love you. ill never meet someone who is as amazing and pretty as you, and, in turn, youll never meet someone whos even a little bit similar to me, and i hope that fucking haunts you.

The urge to rip out your arms during derealization.

TRIGGERWARNING. detailed Borderline Episodes.

Imagine you have a good day, you feel euphoric, no one can hurt you. Why are you in therapy again? Your life isn't that bad, its fun, right?

Snap

Oh. You don't feel anymore? Hm, same old numbness. What now? What should you do? Its stressing you out at some point? Why can't you feel anymore? You do want help, want to reach out.

Snap

No. You don't need anyone. Who cares anyway? They will leave. Everyone does. You don't need anyone, you have yourself. Fuck people.

Snap

Why do you start to cry? You probably don't know. Then everything crashed down, and you end up scream crying. Why is there nobody to help? Why you? Why can't you feel normal? Everything hurts. Your body hurts physically. Headache, dizziness, stomach pain, chest pain. You feel like you explode. Your skin feels like burning.

Maybe you get self-destructive. But it doesn't hurt. Everything else does.

Snap

You hate anyone. You truly do. You hate them, you hate yourself, you yell and hit walls and start to cry only to laugh in the next moment. Why? Why? Why? It repeats in your head. Selfhate, words of others, it doesn't stop. It never stops.

Repeat.

Every day.

Borderline is a serious mental illness. It causes death. It causes pain. Much more pain individual's without Borderline CAN'T imagine.

Oh fuck, and I am sick of it.

I know, and you know it too. There is just that fat ass hill we need to climb up, to get actually better. But where is the path? Does it really exist? How? How do we get there? How long can we stay up there? Will someone push us down again?

I don't need you.

(Please hold me and wipe my tears.)

I am sorry for ghosting my friends. I am just not feeling good. Not at all.

If I finally answer them, most of them answer immediately. Why can't I be thankful for that? Because in that moments i am like "ugh now you have to also answer immediately."

Whats wrong with me? I really like most of them but i can't help it.

I want to leave this world, honestly.

Something that definitely isn't talked enough about as a symptom from many borderliners are Hallucinations.

I myself have auditory hallucinations. Its really weird but luckily not scaring me yet.

Romantisized Borderline.

If you have bpd this may triggers you!

Why the fuck would people even do that?

"I wan't a borderliner as my significant other."

No you don't. Its hell for you and for them.

You want someone who is absolutely obsessed, to the point just a wrong breath make them think you hate them.

You want someone who's probably is suicidal, self-destructive and self harming? "I can fix them." No you can't. Neither i think you can stop them.

You want someone that is extremly lovingly and affectionate only to become distant, ignoring and maybe even offensive in a eyeblink because they got triggered into Splitting or rage?

You want someone that probably feels offended if you need time for yourself or do spend time with your friends and don't answer your phone.

You want someone that may shouts and yells in one moment, only to cry and feel guilty in the next moment, maybe begging you to stay?

You do realise that its not just from time to time, but every fucking day? If they have a bad day's maybe even hourly moodswings?

You want just to help them? Thank you, but that's not your task in a relationship/friendship. Take care of yourself because the chance that you just ruin yourself is high.

Fuck, imagine cuddling in bed in a comfortable silence, they overthought something and suddenly push you off, just because a single though.

Wanna know what the worst is?

Maybe you noticed that I am extremely aware of my bpd. But that doesn't mean i can change, or fix myself. Because with the sudden overwhelming emotion, my mind is drowning in things like selfhate and that everyone will leave, no more awareness or control. I think its like that for many borderliners.

Please don't romantisize something people are suffering from. Thank you.

Can you help the hopeless?

Well, I'm begging on my knees

Can you save my bastard soul?

Will you wait for me?

I'm sorry, brothers, so sorry, lover.

Forgive me, father, I love you, mother.

Can you hear the silence?

Can you see the dark?

Can you fix the broken?

Can you feel my heart?

Can you feel my heart?

I'm scared to get close, and I hate being alone.

I long for that feeling to not feel at all.

The higher I get, the lower I'll sink

I can't drown my demons, they know how to swim.

---

Love this song. Its my comfort song since years, seemingly to perfectly describe how i feel.

Unfortunately this sounds so me

date idea: u tell me exactly how u feel about me in specific detail until my brain calms down and stops thinking u hate me

when you’re not near me, the hole in my chest starts to ache. I have not spoken to you once, nor have you spoken to me. I virtually know nothing about you. But you are now my greatest obsession. I hope I dream of you.

Nothing hurts more than constantly being misunderstood

At this point being in love with you has become a part of my personality. So what’ll happen if I stop?

it’s hard to hate someone when you can remember what it was like to love them. I wish I could erase all memories of you from my mind.

I want to pull out all my teeth randomly one night and then scare the shit out of people the next day. Or pull out every alternate tooth so none of them are touching and then put silver caps on the rest of them haha

I want you to dig your hands into my flesh and pull all my bones out one by one and get rid of this humming ache under my skin

I miss you. You make me feel safe. More than you make me feel sick. Whenever I have moments of peace, I think of you. I wish you were there with me.

Fuck everything fuck everyone fuck the central line fuck uni fuck the government fuck inflation fuck the economy everyone should just fucking die and I am going to go live in a post-apocalyptic country side

next time you say something even slightly mean or offensive I’m going right for your throat

I hope you die, *****. Or I hope you move away forever and I never see you again. But it’d be satisfying if you just died. I wish I could forget you existed and erase all my memories of you. But it’d be more realistic if you just died.

I wanna talk to you so badly but then why does every conversation with you taste bitter and make me feel sick

It’s gonna be FUN!!!!! IT’S GONNA BE FUN! FUN!

(Me trying to convince myself to not throw up when I have to do things I volunteered to do)

I wish you loved me as violently and consumingly as I love you

I thought I felt this way because I miss you but I probably just have a disorder. Maybe it’s both.

if I think about you long enough or hard enough will I cross your mind?

I’m so angry I don’t know what to do. I need help. I’m so angry it’s hurting my chest. It’s like clawing at me from the inside.

All I want is you. Please don’t leave. Please don’t leave to be with her. I love you so much. Please leave her and be with me. Please please please please please I love you. You’re literally the male version of me we’d be so great together. Please I’d make you feel like a king every day. I love you please don’t leave. You’re so soft and warm and beautiful and you have the greatest smile and laugh and eyes and I love you so much. Please don’t leave.

do you know what it’s like to crave a person?

What is the line between being delulu and being actually insane. I write you letters and poetry you’ll never see. I’d set myself on fire to keep you warm. I want you to dig your hands into my shoulder blades and grab my heart and pull me into your chest. Let me slowly bleed out over you.

The way I was so upset and tired and I started to dissociate and drift off and then I got a text message from you and my mood instantly changed. I couldn’t stop smiling and I was bouncing on my feet. And you have no idea. Text me back u rat I need saving again.