Growing Up Neurodivergent - Blog Posts

Parents always say this:

"You're smart. Therefore, it's okay for me to expect more of you."

"You're smart. Therefore, I don't have to care how I explain things to you."

"You're smart. Therefore, it's okay for me to assume that any mistakes you make are intentional."

"You're smart. Therefore, if you say that you struggle with something, it's okay for me to assume that you're just lazy, afraid, lacking confidence, lacking motivation, or any other excuse to dismiss your struggles as fake.

but never this:

"You're smart. Therefore, I will put my authority aside and consider the possibility that you are right and I am wrong.

Like any abusive authority figure, they want you to be smart enough to uphold their authority but not smart enough to challenge their authority.

ADHD TIPS: FOR THE NONMEDICATED AND THE MEDICATED

obviously, ADHD is not the same for everyone who has it. if you dont have ADHD, or aren't sure, but experience issues with executive function, memory, impulsivity, and emotional regulation, these tips can still be helpful!!!

practice radical self forgiveness

keep a notebook/journal

give your items a home

keep baskets, boxes, and bins, especially clear/mesh or anything that lets you see whats in it.

buy fruits/veggies/anything that spoils super quick the day youre going to use it

keep a list of easy meals

keep a trash receptacle in Every room

when you notice something dirty piling up, clean for just 5 minutes

do NOT worry about completing necessary chores. just do a little

if you need it frequently, keep it in sight, but off the floor if you can.

check under your bed, couch, or other corners where stuff can pile up when you get that random energy spike.

take a multivitamin, and cut down on soda (or other highly sugary food/beverages) if youre able. seriously!

specifically for the medicated!

take your meds, go to bed, and wake up at around the same time every day.

being vitamin deficient can make your medicine less effective. magnesium, B vitamins, omega 3s, and vitamin D might help. if you dont eat a lot of fruits, veggies, and fish, you are likely deficient in these at least.

stay. hydrated. For the love of god

try things you had trouble doing before medication

dont expect medicine to fix you

dont blame medicine for all of your improvement

no 2 people are the same, and what works for me might not work for you. i am likely on the spectrum, and i wasnt medicated at all for my ADHD until i was 17, and i wasnt on the right medicine until i was 21. i would recommend keeping that in mind while considering my tips!!

i will elaborate on these tips under the cut!

practice radical self forgiveness

i think this is the most important of all of these tips, which is why i put it first. i know its easy to look down on ourselves for our disability. but you must acknowledge this: you are disabled. you have a disability. you cannot hold yourself to the "normal" standard. more than likely, you grew up in an environment that didnt teach you how to navigate the world as you are, either. thats okay! we must teach ourselves.

try to view yourself as both the teacher/parent, and the child. when you forget something important, or make a careless mistake, or give into impulses, or say youll do it later and dont, or go too long without a bath, or let the trash pile up, you have to be kind to yourself. the child within you needs it. these things simply dont come naturally to us.

you must apologize to yourself as the child: im sorry i didnt pick up the trash. i know it makes the place dirty, and overwhelming. i will do my best to improve. i love you. you must forgive yourself as the parent: its okay, pumpkin. i forgive you. i know you didnt mean to make me overwhelmed, or to invite dirt into the home. i will help you improve. i love you. you also must do the reverse, apologize as the parent: im sorry, child. i did not teach you how to know you should pick up the trash. i did not teach you to recognize dirt. i will do better, and i will help you as best i can. i love you. forgive as the child: i forgive you. i know you are doing your best to lead me, and teach me what you know. you werent taught to pick up and see dirt either, were you? as long as you support and love me, we can figure it out together. i love you.

i know, to think this way can feel infantilizing sometimes. and its much harder to teach ourselves these habits. if its available, its okay to ask for help. just dont be too hard on yourself when your disability impairs your ability to be "normal." our habits die harder than most. even if you forget to maintain a habit, just do it when you remember.

2. keep a notebook/journal

i know, i know... every ADHDer HATES this tip. but it seriously works. dont hold yourself to a rigid standard when using it. i prefer dot grid journals, so i can write notes, or sketch, or make lists, or otherwise neatly divide pages how i wish, rather than it being blank/horizontally lined.

i dont keep a to do list all the time, i dont journal every day, i dont even look at the thing every day. there is no right way to use your journal. i use mine for many things at once: if i forget a notebook for class, or my laptop dies, i put my class notes in there. i put random doodles, layouts, oc pages, Big Feelings, and weekly/daily plans/to do lists. i dont obsessively keep up with it, or update it every day.

i DO use it when i feel overwhelmed. if i feel like 50 different things need to be done in 3 different domains and i dont know where to start, i write them down as i think of them. here is my typical order of operations (it took me a while to figure this out. i struggle deeply with prioritization.)

first, i write everything down i can think of that that moment. second, i label them necessary, important, and least important. third, i label how long they take (most time, some time, least time) finally, i start with the most important one that is the least overwhelming

now, i dont have an easy time labeling importance and time taken, of course. that can be the hardest part. but i dont worry so much about accuracy of my labels. i havent got it all down because i will almost always prioritize schoolwork over housework and hygiene, but we cant be perfect. the MOST important thing is always your health and safety.

dont worry about finishing a todo list, either. the most important thing is getting stuff you can forget on paper where you can look back at it when youre overwhelmed. you should keep your journal somewhere you access frequently or can see it.

also, the journal helps with big feelings. if youre feeling that white hot anger, the itching impulsivity, or rejection sensitivity, or anything that makes you think "i cant do this," start jotting words or pictures down. it can be anything. this will help when you feel that feeling the next time. we often get stuck in loops because we dont remember what caused a feeling or conflict, so we make the same mistakes. when you write it down, you can take your own word for it when you make a mistake. this makes it easier to recognize when youre falling into a pattern, and makes it easier to change your response.

3. give your items a home

if you arent constantly using something, or go more than a day without using it, send it home. an objects home is just somewhere it comes back to when its not needed, so that it isnt taking up space where it isnt needed. things like snacks, laundry (clean and dirty), art/craft/hobby materials, coats, electronics, plushies, anything. personify your stuff just a little bit- if you cant use it anymore, it cant find a home with you-- you have to send it on trash vacation. your coat wants to go home! pick it up and take it there when you can. its okay if that home isnt permanent, or if you lack materials/money to create a proper home. our coatrack is a chair right now, which is a much comfier home than the floor.

4. keep baskets, boxes, and bins, especially ones that are see through/visible

this helps you give your items a home. if you buy storage, get something stackable too, but even a cardboard box works. keep like objects together! and keep them near what theyre used for.

5. buy fruits/veggies/anything that spoils quickly the day youre going to use it

its sooo tempting to try to eat healthy and save money by stocking your fridge full of healthy produce and raw meat, but unfortunately i know how much money we waste forgetting/not having the energy to use them. if you need a fresh fruit, veggie, or meat, for something you are definitely planning on cooking, buy it the day of. if you have something in your fridge you dont think youre going to use before it rots or molds, stick it in the freezer!!!

also, frozen and canned fruits, veggies, and meats are just as good as fresh. they stay good for so long you dont have to worry about it going bad.

6. keep a list of easy meals

things that you can get down your gullet easily, and prepare easily. 1 pan meals, sandwiches, hotdogs, hot pockets, instant oatmeal, canned meals. i typically keep instant oatmeal and those tuna creations packets, as well as club/ritz crackers. also, skillet meals like velveeta skillets and hamburger helper are awesome, just keep some frozen ground beef (or meat of your choice) and youre good to go!

also, eggs last for MUCHHHH longer than the sell by date. i have had eggs 3 months past the date (note im american so they are under refrigeration) that were still good, but obviously that long past the date you should do a sniff test after breaking an egg. eggs are awesome in terms of ease of prep. heat your pan up to temp before cooking and they wont stick so bad. use cheese or milk to make a desirable texture for scrambled eggs or omlettes. dont forget salt and pepper (necessary...) you can also stir an egg and peanut butter into instant ramen for some actual nutrition. i also keep onion powder, paprika, and cayenne for yummy eggs.

in the egg vein, french toast is extremely easy and filling, and will sate a sweet tooth with some syrup!

7. keep a trash receptacle in every room

it doesnt have to be big, but having a designated trash spot in your bedroom is super helpful

8. when you notice something dirty piling up, clean for just 5 minutes

you dont have to clean to completion, thats overwhelming!!! but when you see something gross or messy and it bothers you, just take a couple minutes and pick up a little. play a song and tidy until the end of it! cleaning isnt all or nothing!

9. do not worry about completing chores, just do a little

in the same vein as the last one, the most important thing is getting the ball rolling. cleaning can be really hard because of the overwhelm of how bad it is. you can make it less bad a little at a time!

something ill do is sort out and scrape off the dishes before even thinking about doing them. that way, they take up less space and it doesnt look quite as bad. then next time i come to them, i do a bit more. or ill pick up the dirty laundry off the floor, then ill put it next to the washing machine, then ill wash/dry. i dont worry about folding and putting away unless im up for it-- its more important that theyre clean at all.

10. if you need it frequently, keep it in sight, but off the floor if you can.

remember, the floor is the stuff killer! if it must be on the floor, designate a spot.

11. check under the bed, couch, chairs, and piles if you have a random energy spike

i have found so much stuff i didnt even realize i lost. this also prevents pests and the accumulation of dirt.

12. take a multivitamin and cut down on soda (or other highly sugary foods) if youre able. seriously!

in high school i tried eating low-carb for a while. i didnt maintain this diet, but what i did maintain was not drinking soda regularly. when i say my head cleared and i felt less groggy, i mean it. if youre in the position, pay attention to the amount of sugars in what you eat and drink.

i know the "eat well" advice is given out too much, but nutrition seriously matters. if you care to work on your nutrition, do not worry about fat, carbs, or anything like that. just cut down on how often you eat highly sugary foods. you will feel so much better just from that. i have a sody pop as a treat every now and then and i have a whole other appreciation for it :-)

for the medicated:

take your meds, wake up, and go to bed around the same time

your body works on a schedule whether you want it to or not. pay attention to this schedule and try to work with it. when do you usually get tired? when do you prefer to wake up? when do you usually use the bathroom? this goes for nonmedicated people, too. your body will thank you!

2. vitamin deficiency can make medicine less effective. magnesium, B vitamins, vitamin D, and omega 3s can help.

these vitamins are all harmless, except for magnesium, which can slow your heart rate and cause shallow breathing IN HIGH DOSES. luckily, stimulants tend to deplete vitamins/electrolytes like magnesium, which can cause twitches and spasms. dont get large doses of these, 100% daily value is just fine.

3. for the love of god stay hydrated

imagine you are a machine and water is lubricant. stimulants suck up this lubricant to make you run more effectively. however, without extra, the machine will still run like shit. try to drink a whole glass with your medicine, and keep a cup to fill thru the day.

4. try things you had trouble with before medication

its super easy to get discouraged from something when you feel like a failure! try it again now! it may be easier. be sure to give yourself praise for what you do! your effort, your success, anything! this will teach your brain to see stuff through and help you feel and be more competent!

5. dont expect medicine to fix you

adderall, vyvanse, ritalin, none of these are a pill to fix you. they give you the capacity to work on yourself. dopamine is the "go get it" chemical. typically, ours is low and irregular, so we dont feel the drive to "go get it" when we need to, and we dont feel enough of a drive to see something through until we "get it." you still have to put in a lot of effort to fix habits and do work, medicine makes it so its easier. for me, it also reduces Noise in my head, so i can focus better. i still have to put effort into everything, its just less painful.

6. dont blame medicine for all of your improvement

again, medicine gives you capacity. YOU still do it all! its all you!!!!!! :D

thank u for reading i hope these are helpful! i feel like adhd tips are veryyy all or nothing and never explain WHY they may help, so i hope my explanations are helpful!

This post is just like those "How to Study like a Harvard Student!" Things but for ND people with executive dysfunction who can't even START studying.

Listen to Music, seriously it works so well. If you speak multiple languages, listen to music in the one you ARE NOT using. Listening to music w/o words is good for things like essays and reading, but with things like math, I 100% recommend listening to anything you really like. I can leave song reccs for no word songs if anyone wants them.

Put on a movie, TV show, or video you've already seen a million times. It works the same as the music, but you're more likely to be distracted. It's important that you've already seen it. Otherwise, you'll just end up watching TV.

Buy stationary that you LIKE and ENJOY USING. If you see pens that you REALLY LIKE but the other pens are cheaper, get the ones you actually like. You will use them more. You will *enjoy* using them.

Not so much related to executive dysfunction, but I HIGHLY recommend getting folders for your classes. Even if it's only for a few, if you pull it out at the beginning, you'll have all your stuff inside and a place where you can put your papers instead of just shoving it into your bag.

Let yourself stim out loud while you do homework. Seriously, it can help you remember things and help you stay focused.

Eat your favourite snacks or drink something you enjoy drinking. It makes doing things so much more bearable, plus free dopamine.

(Edit: I reblogged some of people's additional thoughts)

I can't really think of anything else, but feel free to add stuff in the comments.

Disclaimer for the masses, I am not a doctor. These are from my own personal experience as someone w audhd. :)

Nobody ever tells you the uglier side of recovery. Especially when your mental illness is stacked on top of other issues than cannot be cured.

Take dental hygiene for example. Say you've been deeply depressed for years, to the point of not brushing your teeth. Add ADHD and autism to that, making it even harder.

After several years, I've entirely fucked my teeth. Now that it's just SLIGHTLY better, I could start working on dental hygiene... But what's the point? The damage is done. It's irreparable without major, expensive surgery, and at this point, I might as well get a whole new mouth.

I'm left wondering, "what the hell is the point?" And I start to regret the miniscule amount of progress I've made and the fact that I survived this long.

I hate it when people are subtly assholes. I already have an awful time remembering things some days.

That, and my family already thinks I'm weak and useless. My father problems are overtaking my my mother issues at the moment, and I remind her that he's been acting more and more like a dick overtime. I told her months ago, but she brushed it off. Someone asks for context. She tells them it's because I was upset about having to do the dishes...

I'm not a fucking toddler.

I can handle being asked to do fucking chores just fucking fine. The problem is that he would randomly threaten to beat my ass or tell me and my brother that we're fucking assholes and tell us that no one cares about him and wants him to die... The thing is, I did most of the cooking and a good chunk of the cleaning. This rat fucking bastard never bothered cleaning his room, which over time, could've caused us to get evicted.

Not only that, but he'd blame my mother's disability to worm himself out of responsibility until it became an actual issue, then it's suddenly all her fault. Literally fuck both of them. She's not the only person he's hurt and vice versa, but I look fucking insane because I'm the only one (other than the two of them) that's gotten the worst of them.

AND NO ONE IN MY FAMILY EVER FUCKING BELIEVES HOW BAD IT CAN GET.

I hate this shit. I hate having been raised by terrible people. I hate living with terrible people. I'm already at the edge of my fucking rope, partially because of this bastard, but I can't afford to do anything stupid for that same reason. You tell me to hurry up and get a job and then you steal the goddamn car. No one wants to fucking hire me, and you ruin my chances even more. I hate it. I hate it. I hate it.

Even if I do get a normal job that I have to commute to daily, I'll only last so long. There's a metaphorical bomb strapped to my fucking chest and I can only hope I'll have enough money to cover the costs of the fallout by the time it detonates.

I desperately need someone to let me cry into their chest until I can't breathe. Please. I can't take being an adult anymore

Dudes shouldn't have to prove themselves by having spartan greyscale homes with dollar store rubber shower curtains and a mattress on the floor. Do you know what life is like with linen

"You'll grow out of being sensitive."

"You need to grow up and stop crying all the time."

"You can't let everything hurt you like this."

Will I really grow out of this though? It doesn't make sense. My mouth starts moving before i think, and someone says that they weren't talking to me, that I should be quiet...

And suddenly I'm six years old again, being yelled at constantly and occasionally beaten for talking too much or talking out of turn.

Why does it hurt so much? It shouldn't hurt. We're all adults and they even said it somewhat gently... So why do the tears roll?

It's unfortunate how often the solution to a problem is just talking to people. You'd think it could be something easier like making a comprehensive chart or list, or reading everything you can find on the subject, but no, so often you can do all that and you still have to talk to people.

One of the newer daycare teachers at my center was complaining about a specific child - who has a lot going on we’re still trying to map out, but definitely some type on developmentally divergent on top of attachment issues with their single mom.

Anyway, said kid, a little under 4 years old, was resisting doing art, which was really upsetting the one one teacher when the other (who’s worked with this kid for over 2 years) was basically like “Ok, not today, this isn’t a good day for you.”

One thing I do when I find kids at the center resisting my instructions is asking “Why” - on me.

Why am I asking this child to do something?

“What they are doing isn’t safe” and “What they are doing is harming another child” are obviously good reasons for me to pursue my point.

“Maintain structure” is, honestly, generally a good reason, where “structure” is the regular rules and expectations of the class and schedule.

Having a predictable structure helps most children feel safe, because they don’t have to be the adult and decide what is going to happen - their teachers are the ones that set boundaries for safety, have their physical needs met, and create expectations that allow them to develop patience and delayed gratification.

But forcing a child to participate in an activity? Not just “now it is art, because we do art every day” but “you must do art??”

Asking my “Why, what is the child getting out of this” devolves down after a few levels to:

The child has to learn to comply over their own mental health.

Even the more experienced teacher who let the one kid sit out and rest from art is irritated when children refuse to sit quietly during Circle Time, which pisses me off because all the trainings I’ve taken on Circle Time say “have a quiet activity optional for children who don’t want to sit and participate.”

Sadly, as I was discussing this with my other Autistic coworker at closing, we agreed that “Conformity despite mental health” is a primary rule in modern education, and both of us despite being aware of the obvious issues with this are powerless to even motivate major change within our own center without taking “Room Lead” roles.

Which we both agree would break either of us. 😓

with adhd/autism it's funny like. people will call you weird all your life, people will bully you for your "outlandish" behaviour, people will criticize literally everything you do as "not normal", BUT THE SECOND YOU GET DIAGNOSED (or suggest you might have it) they're like "huh what but you're so normal, you're literally the most normal person I've ever seen, you're literally so normal and absolutely nothing is wrong with you? why would you have that now all of a sudden???"

Psychological brainwashing

they use every little slip-up or mistake as a proof that I’m incapable of independency

they humiliate my work and insist I’m never going to be good enough to make it on my own

they insist I make bad decisions, and they know better for my life, even though I’m an adult

they claim that the way I’m going, I’m never going to become anything in life

they convinced me I would be dead without them

they threatened my life when I wouldn’t do as they want me to

they remind me they hold my life in their hands, and that I have to do as I’m told

they put me in situation where I can’t collect myself fast enough to do things properly, and then use it as a proof that I can’t do anything right (for instance, yelling at you while you try to drive a car, then humiliating you when you make a mistake because of their yelling)

they convinced me escaping them equals death

they talked about all the ways I would lose everything and end up dying from starvation, sickness, assault, lack of shelter, lack of resources if I leave, and it would be all my fault

they keep reminding me of how much worse I could have it, and how much worse others have it

they told me other people would judge me even worse, abuse/beat me more, and that I don’t even know how lucky I am to be with them

they make it seem like I would be taking up too much space and be a nuisance to good people I were to leave, they make it seem like it would be stupid for me to live anywhere else

they keep convincing me I would end up being most pathetic person if I tried to live on my own

they threatened me with poverty and starvation, and they look down on poor people to the point where I’m sure they would find me stupid and pathetic if I were to end up poor

they told me that nobody else would tolerate and accept me, and if I escape from them, all the doors would be closed to me, and society would abandon me completely

they cause a scene including violence and abuse, and then afterwards their attitude suddenly changes and they’re gentle and nice to me, making me feel very disoriented and confused

they keep me in awful living conditions, but sometimes they’ll offer me some gift or privilege that feels like I’m special to them, and makes me believe things are okay

they finance my addiction or supply me with something I can’t do without so I have to stay

I know I’m not supposed to tell anyone about their mistreatment of me, or make them look bad in any way, even bolding things on this list feels like a forbidden thing to do

I’m not allowed to mention the times they hurt or abused me, and if I do, they get upset, and reverse the situation so it seems that it was my fault, or I deserved it, or I made it up

I’m aware every day of the things I’m not supposed to do, if I don’t want to upset them, and have to walk on eggshells around them most of the time

I feel like things could get better if I stay, even if it’s really bad right now

I remember things being so great, I can’t let go of hope that it’s going to be like that again

I feel like I’m addicted to them and couldn’t leave if I wanted to

I feel like they’re the only person who could ever love me

I don’t believe I could survive without them

I’m scared of them, but I’m not allowed to say it

I’m too damaged at this point to be living with normal people, there is no place for me except here

Violence and threats

they break my things if I’m away when they expect me/need me to be home

they threatened to hurt me if I leave

they threatened to hurt themselves if I leave

they threatened that I will be dragged back if I leave

they threatened to call the police if I leave

they threatened to kill me if I leave

they threatened to hurt someone I love if I leave

they threatened to hurt/kill my pet if I leave

they threatened to put me in a mental institution when I expressed distress at how they treat me

they punish every little disobedience from their rules so severely, I feel like the punishment for leaving would be death

Emotional manipulation and guilt

they claim to be worried about me, but their worried actions always make my situation much worse, and end up sabotaging everything I’m trying to do

they remind me that I have to be grateful to them, because they’re the only reason I’m still alive

they disapprove of me having friends, and get upset if I spend a lot of time with friends

they make me feel like I’m a horrible person for not loving them, and for wanting to get away

they make me feel so guilty and ashamed for not feeling the way I’m supposed to

they make me believe they’ll be hurt if I leave, and I would be cruel to do that to them

they cause a scene and make me feel very guilty if I talk about leaving

they seem so distressed about me leaving, it’s hard for me to not feel guilty for distressing them

Escape Sabotage

they traumatized me to the point where I can’t take care of myself on my own, and they blame me for it

they caused me cptsd/anxiety/depression that stops me from regular life activities and forces me to rely on them to provide for me

they keep making my cptsd/anxiety/depression worse, and make it impossible for me to recover

they make sure I never have enough resources to run away (take away my money, monitor my finances, overwork and exhaust me to the point where I can’t hold down a job)

they manipulated me into signing a contract that binds me to them, or a certain place, or keeps my money out of my reach, and under their control, making it harder to leave

they disapprove of me getting more education or a job, especially if it’s far away**

they cause me distress in crucial moments when I need to focus on accomplishing something (for instance, yelling at you for something rigth when you need to finish and submit your final work)

"Oh hey 23 isn't so bad. I wonder what the threshold is."

Three... just three...

**they want me to work or go to school but they dont seem to want me to be independent

Am I being held hostage by abuser(s)? Checklist. Bold the ones that happened to you, italicize if you’re not sure.

Psychological brainwashing

they use every little slip-up or mistake as a proof that I’m incapable of independency

they humiliate my work and insist I’m never going to be good enough to make it on my own

they insist I make bad decisions, and they know better for my life, even though I’m an adult

they claim that the way I’m going, I’m never going to become anything in life

they convinced me I would be dead without them

they threatened my life when I wouldn’t do as they want me to

they remind me they hold my life in their hands, and that I have to do as I’m told

they put me in situation where I can’t collect myself fast enough to do things properly, and then use it as a proof that I can’t do anything right (for instance, yelling at you while you try to drive a car, then humiliating you when you make a mistake because of their yelling)

they convinced me escaping them equals death

they talked about all the ways I would lose everything and end up dying from starvation, sickness, assault, lack of shelter, lack of resources if I leave, and it would be all my fault

they keep reminding me of how much worse I could have it, and how much worse others have it

they told me other people would judge me even worse, abuse/beat me more, and that I don’t even know how lucky I am to be with them

they make it seem like I would be taking up too much space and be a nuisance to good people I were to leave, they make it seem like it would be stupid for me to live anywhere else

they keep convincing me I would end up being most pathetic person if I tried to live on my own

they threatened me with poverty and starvation, and they look down on poor people to the point where I’m sure they would find me stupid and pathetic if I were to end up poor

they told me that nobody else would tolerate and accept me, and if I escape from them, all the doors would be closed to me, and society would abandon me completely

they cause a scene including violence and abuse, and then afterwards their attitude suddenly changes and they’re gentle and nice to me, making me feel very disoriented and confused

they keep me in awful living conditions, but sometimes they’ll offer me some gift or privilege that feels like I’m special to them, and makes me believe things are okay

they finance my addiction or supply me with something I can’t do without so I have to stay

I know I’m not supposed to tell anyone about their mistreatment of me, or make them look bad in any way, even bolding things on this list feels like a forbidden thing to do

I’m not allowed to mention the times they hurt or abused me, and if I do, they get upset, and reverse the situation so it seems that it was my fault, or I deserved it, or I made it up

I’m aware every day of the things I’m not supposed to do, if I don’t want to upset them, and have to walk on eggshells around them most of the time

I feel like things could get better if I stay, even if it’s really bad right now

I remember things being so great, I can’t let go of hope that it’s going to be like that again

I feel like I’m addicted to them and couldn’t leave if I wanted to

I feel like they’re the only person who could ever love me

I don’t believe I could survive without them

I’m scared of them, but I’m not allowed to say it

I’m too damaged at this point to be living with normal people, there is no place for me except here

Violence and threats

they break my things if I’m away when they expect me/need me to be home

they threatened to hurt me if I leave

they threatened to hurt themselves if I leave

they threatened that I will be dragged back if I leave

they threatened to call the police if I leave

they threatened to kill me if I leave

they threatened to hurt someone I love if I leave

they threatened to hurt/kill my pet if I leave

they threatened to put me in a mental institution when I expressed distress at how they treat me

they punish every little disobedience from their rules so severely, I feel like the punishment for leaving would be death

Emotional manipulation and guilt

they claim to be worried about me, but their worried actions always make my situation much worse, and end up sabotaging everything I’m trying to do

they remind me that I have to be grateful to them, because they’re the only reason I’m still alive

they disapprove of me having friends, and get upset if I spend a lot of time with friends

they make me feel like I’m a horrible person for not loving them, and for wanting to get away

they make me feel so guilty and ashamed for not feeling the way I’m supposed to

they make me believe they’ll be hurt if I leave, and I would be cruel to do that to them

they cause a scene and make me feel very guilty if I talk about leaving

they seem so distressed about me leaving, it’s hard for me to not feel guilty for distressing them

Escape Sabotage

they traumatized me to the point where I can’t take care of myself on my own, and they blame me for it

they caused me cptsd/anxiety/depression that stops me from regular life activities and forces me to rely on them to provide for me

they keep making my cptsd/anxiety/depression worse, and make it impossible for me to recover

they make sure I never have enough resources to run away (take away my money, monitor my finances, overwork and exhaust me to the point where I can’t hold down a job)

they manipulated me into signing a contract that binds me to them, or a certain place, or keeps my money out of my reach, and under their control, making it harder to leave

they disapprove of me getting more education or a job, especially if it’s far away

they cause me distress in crucial moments when I need to focus on accomplishing something (for instance, yelling at you for something rigth when you need to finish and submit your final work)

if you can bold even 3 of these, your abusers are aware that they’re abusing you, and that is logical for you to want to get away from them, and they’re making direct actions to sabotage and stop you from escaping.Only reason they would try to convince you that you can’t survive without them is that they know you are able to, and they’re actively trying to stop it. If you feel pathetic for not being able to leave, this isn’t true, you’ll notice abusers are putting shitton of work making sure you can’t leave, they wouldn’t be doing that if they really thought you were too pathetic to leave? They’re sabotaging you because they know you can get away.

Also, presenting themselves as the only source of survival, love, and comfort to you? They’re trying to affect you to trauma bond to them and have you develop Stockholm Syndrome, that means you’d be forced to make decisions for their benefit instead of yours, and you wouldn’t be able to fight against them because it would mean risking your life.

Sometimes, I don't want to heal. Healing almost feels like a betrayal to myself. I know what they've done, and the damage will never be fully healed. It almost scares me to think that I might forget or become numb to it. As long as the wounds stay open, and I still feel the burning pain, it's real. I can't trick myself into thinking it's not.

There are other times when I don't want to heal because people might not believe me. I've already plenty who don't, but it would be so much worse if someone saw evidence of my trauma but didn't believe me because the rest of my personality and coping mechanisms seem normal. If I stay broken, the smaller cracks are less noticable, and they're easier to explain. Obviously, a shattered window is going to have both big and small cracks and might even be missing some pieces.

Sometimes healing just doesn't seem worth it because I feel like my life should be perfect once I'm past that point. People have it worse, and the worst is behind me, so I have no right to be this way.

I don't know. I'm not sure I want to heal

Not invalidating anyone, but my abuser used the first two to emphasize how much of a disappointment I was when I couldn't deliver what was expected of me. I was "gifted," but eventually started to slip. Those phrases were used against me even before that whenever I thought something was difficult or I just flat out couldn't do it, which made it so much more painful when I finally reached the bottom of my fall. I wasn't what I was "supposed to be," and never would be.

Some of these others were used but they were empty. If I actually needed help, I likely wouldn't get it. "Are you okay?" "You can tell us anything." "If you need help, just ask." But help never came. For my depression, my anxiety, my autism symptoms, my ADHD symptoms... My siblings were helped when they needed it, but I was left to rot. The most help I got was being able to stay after school for tutoring a few times so I wouldn't have to repeat a class and be even more embarrassing. That didn't last long though and I had to resort to cheating.

The enabler was genuine about being proud. The other couldn't even utter the words to tell that lie. Captain enabler also said we were good kids, but never protected me from the abuse, so there was a lot of dissonance. If I'm a good kid, why am I being punished and called an asshole? A worthless, lazy dumbass? It's confusing.

Phrases I don’t hear from abusive parents:

“You can achieve anything you want.”

”You’ll be fine, you’re smart and capable. You can do this. ”

”Are you alright? Do you need help?

“Are you hurt?”

”I’m sorry.”

“You’re not alone, if you want to pursue this we’ll help you.”

“Nobody is allowed to hurt you.”

“I’ll be here if you need me.”

“It’s all going to be okay.”

“You’re a good kid.”

“You did a great job!”

“I’m proud of you.”

"oh you have an allergy? sorry I harassed you for being a picky eater, I didn't realize you had a valid reason. it's good to know you're not actually a picky eater, I still get to harass those people"

"oh you have chronic pain? sorry I harassed you for being lazy, I didn't realize you had a valid reason. it's good to know you're not actually a lazy person, I still get to harass those people"

"oh you're autistic? sorry I harassed you for being weird, I didn't realize you had a valid reason. it's good to know you're not actually a weird person, I still get to harass those people"

"oh you're deaf? sorry I harassed you for ignoring me, I didn't realize you had a valid reason. you're just not actually a rude person, I still get to harass those people"

"man why does everything have to be a disorder now? I miss the old days when people would TAKE RESPONSIBILITY for being failures and it was socially exceptable for me to harass them, now I look like a jerk when I bully people for annoying me."

I feel like my brain is just broken beyond repair.

Nobody knows what wrong with it. All we know is that something is wrong.

Whatever it is is irreparable. All I can do is learn to live with it, but I don't want to. It's not fair.

Abuser got me an expensive gift and now I'm spiraling again...

I'm trying to leave but... If I cut contact, I'll feel guilty and everyone except one person who relates will hate me...

I've gone from refusing to call what I experienced trauma to looking into finding a psychiatrist to see if I have cptsd.... (Over the course of several years unfortunately)

2006: "No. My parents aren't hitting or beating me. They're spanking me, and for good reason. :/"

2010: "I don't think you should spank kids, but what my parents are doing isn't bad. I think a pop on the hand makes more sense, but these spankings aren't abuse."

2014: "Well now I'm depressed. My parents definitely have a lot to do with it, but I don't think they were physically abusive. Definitely verbally and emotionally but I have no trauma."

2016: "it could have been so much worse, but it's all stuck in my brain and I can't get it out. It's definitely me being sensitive. That stuff doesn't cause trauma."

2019: "So it is trauma... But it wasn't that bad. I heard about little t trauma. That's what it is. I still have no right to complain."

2020: "Trauma is trauma. Why am I comparing? They messed up and I should've left by now. They were physically abusive, but still not that bad. Little t trauma still counts."

Very recently: "Nevermind. Big T trauma. It is most certainly that bad. I wouldn't have reacted that way back then if it wasn't."

Suck that it took me so long

The conflicting feeling has returned.

You've been terrible to me and I want you to face consequences.

But you're in danger and I don't want anything awful happening to you.

But you've done so much to hurt me over the years.

But you've also done so much to help me.

You were apathetic towards my plight and my cries often fell on deaf ears.

I would help you if I could but my untreated and undiagnosed disorders and years of abuse have led me to a terrible mental state and I have no funds to help you.

My abuser needs to go to the hospital. They refuse. Their ailment could get worse. I have no car, nor license, nor insurance, nor funds and I cannot help them.

I would like to show just the smallest bit of mercy to my abuser, despite how often they refused to show me even a grain of it, but we are both helpless for the time being....

"you're an adult. I know you can't move out yet, but stand up to your parents. Don't be so spineless."

You don't fucking understand. My safety has been threatened over the smallest things. They haven't hit me as an adult, but one of them definitely would if I gave a good enough reason, and the other enables it.

The worst they've done recently is toss drinks on me or throw candy or whatever at me (which is harmless coming from one of them and ambiguous from the other) or get into some psychological or emotional abuse. That's lessened for now too, but only until we move out and they can corner me in a time and place where no one can see or hear either of us.

If I do fight back and it gets violent, I can't do anything about it. They might kick me out. I have nowhere to go. I don't have nearly enough money to sustain myself and most of my clothes are unwearable. It's winter. I could die.

So I'm glad you can do that, but we aren't all so fortunate.

Autistic culture is randomly switching your conversation style mid sentence. Specifically going from the most eloquent person you’ve ever met to talking like the child of a hill billy and a british pop star.

Once again, the failed prototype takes a backseat to its creator's magnum opus. That's how it always happens.

A frame, gifted to me for my birthday sat empty because I had no friends and no fun memories with which to fill it.

They were put there instead.

"This is temporary."

It wasn't.

I used to shine so brightly, the brightest star in the sky, blocking out so many others. I was the pride of the galaxy. Now that I'm older, I've burned out and essentially been replaced. I lay here, wasting away with little to show for the time I've spent living.

I was gifted a frame once again. This time, it had something in it. A photo of the stars, the way they were in the sky over the place I was born, on the very night I was born.

Their photo sits on top of mine. In my frame.

How fitting. How poetic.

"Don't act like they're the favorite. Or like they have special privileges."

They clearly are, and they do.

I felt almost numb about it at first. I didn't want to be bothered by it, but I was. The tears fell immediately. I can barely complain about it. It always ends in my words being brushed off or a full blown argument. Never an apology or even an admission of wrongdoing.

How dare you. How dare you do this. It's such a small act, but the hate and disrespect feel earth shattering. I know I'm being dramatic, and it hurts that much more because of it. I know I sound crazy for crying and complaining about it. After all, it's a picture frame. It's not the end of the world. It feels like it, though. I'm literally nauseous.

"You have to toughen up. You can't be a soggy little sad sack."

I don't want to toughen up. People who have to steel themselves often lose their compassion, empathy, and patience. That's one of the many things I hate and fear. Those emotions don't disappear. They only fester and ferment until they bubble over. You could've had juice, and then maybe wine, but no. Now you have vinegar, and you can't just keep trying to hold it in. It will escape whether you like it or not. You can't keep pouring more juice into a full glass and expect it to not spill.

I shouldn't have to toughen up about this. Something so stupid shouldn't be happening in the first place. They knew the pictures were coming. They could've bought a new frame. They aren't expensive.

"His picture is from an achievement. Yours isn't. What do you need the frame for? You have no achievements and you haven't since you were younger."

I wanted to break the frame as soon as I saw the picture. Life has been kicking my ass, and I managed to keep my cool until I came home that terrible night and saw that photo.

Why do I have to be the broken, failed prototype? Why do I have to be defective? It isn't fair.

I think your problems are very valid and your trauma is not any less important than others' . I can't speak for you but wanted to say that you don't have to think you're luckier than others. Also being neurodivergent already means you have a lot of struggles. Maybe reason why you think you're luckier than others is because you were used to pushing aside your issues in favor of others. That's rough life, I hope you know everything you go through is equally as valid as anything else

Thank you for the ask, and thank you for the validation.

I think you're kind of right about me pushing my issues aside, but it's probably also just another consequence of abuse. "It could've been worse." That's always what people are told, and a lot of us are gaslit into thinking it wasn't nearly as bad as it was.

At this point, its so deeply ingrained in my mind. I can't really help but to think that way sometimes. I'm working on it, though. Maybe it'll stop one day and I'll be able to completely distance myself from everyone involved.

Once again, thank you for your kindness. I hope you and everyone you care about are living your best lives. If not, then I wish you the best of luck on your journey to happiness.

Being an older sibling, and seeing a younger sibling upset will never stop being painful.

It only adds to the pain when you aren't equally close to all of them, and the one with the most distance is the one in need of help.

We've never been overly close, and they seldom, if ever, come to me for help. Our parents were more gentle raising them, so they grew up healthier and more independent. That's a bit of a double edged sword, though. I could at least try to calm the others down and encourage them, but not this time. They probably don't want me to, and I wouldn't know how, even if they did.

It's strange how people who grew up in such close quarters, with the same parents have such drastically different connections with each other. The rest of us a close-knit clique, with a thin, frail connection to that island. It's not like any of us deliberately excluded each other growing up, and it's not like any of us saw it coming. It's no fault of our own, and it's upsetting, but that's the way things came out.

I just told my partner of over a year that I've been looking into both an autism and an ADHD diagnosis.

It did not go too well.

Nothing has changed. My 165-195 range of raads-r scores didn't suddenly make me a different person just because he knows now. I think we're still together but I want to scream.

I'm sorry that things are very hard for you, its very hard being neurodivergent and having to work jobs. I hope you are a bit easier on yourself, its okay to mess up. I think you're cool and I understand being trapped in such situation. I can't help or do anything about your situation but I wish you have some good time or free time for yourself sometime soon

Hi and thank you. I'm trying to be a little easier on myself, but it's kind of hard when you feel like a failure. On top of being abysmally inept in terms of anything social, I have the problem of being a young adult and steadily falling behind my peers. Every job I can get without a degree is terrible, especially where I live. The main problem is that I need one of these jobs to go to college and get a better one. I would kill to be able to do what I love for a living instead, but the way the world is going, it seems like I might just have to keep suffering. Maybe one day, I'll get to where I hope to be. I just hate to mess up, partially because of how I was raised. Nothing ever seemed to be quite enough. That, and anxiety, depressive tendencies, embarrassment, etc. Every little failure and setback will shatter me like an expensive vase, and it takes forever for me to gather all the peices and put them back together. That's another reason I can't go too easy on myself. It takes so long to recover. Maybe I'll get stronger though. Maybe one day I'll learn to be more resilient and life will be better.

All in all, things like this ask tend to give me a little more hope, no matter how small it is. Again, thank you for your kind words. I wish nothing but the best for you as well. I hope your life is good, fulfilling, warm, comfortable, and prosperous.

I don't want to be a productive member of society. I want to make my art, play my games, and rest. Every little thing overwhelms me.

Having to get up everyday and maintain my body is exhausting.

Maintaining relationships is exhausting.

Having to get up and work while looking presentable is exhausting.

I'm so tired of being demanded of anything and everything. And I know I probably won't be able to rest until I'm either old and senile or dead.

I didn't ask for this, yet here I am...Slowly rotting away. There's no time to truly enjoy life, work, and be both physically and mentally healthy simultaneously, for the majority of your time.

I just want to get out of here and find true joy.

This. This perfectly describes what I've been experiencing lately. I have now clue why exactly it's happening.

I've looked into getting an autism diagnosis, but I'd have to keep my job, but my job is what's causing issues, but I need the job to get the- it's a cycle. And this isn't really new. It happened every year in school. I'd start off with a semi-decent amount of energy, but I'd usually run out of steam and be unable to get it back. Some year, I started with no steam and just struggled from the jump. I'd never have energy for chores or really anything. It's the same now. I have thought about crashing the car or doing other drastic things to avoid it. It sucks so much.

I don't know what I'm supposed to do as an alternative? The typical workplace isn't for me, so now what?

Why is it so fucking expensive to seek an adult autism diagnosis? I know there’s more going on with me than just my adhd. I’ve never seen anyone else with adhd that struggles quite to the extent that I am. I can’t seem to handle very basic, everyday things without getting overwhelmed. I burn out so easily to the point that my ability to function decreases even more.

For example, everyone has to work. Lots of people with adhd also manage to work, even if they end up job hopping a lot. Even when I had medication, it was like I still couldn’t handle the stress. I would have a whole breakdown every day before work, literally thinking about harming myself or wrecking my car intentionally to avoid having to be there, feeling this crushing dread, anger, exhaustion, the negative thought spirals throughout the day, getting off or ending the week and not even being able to relax or enjoy yourself because the knowledge that you have to go back so soon is looming over you. Not being able to sleep because of the crushing dread of knowing you have to wake up and get back on that metaphorical treadmill, having nightmares about it when you do sleep.

Obviously the easy answer would be to simply get a different job, but the thing is that this has been every job I’ve ever had…and I’ve had a LOT of them. It isn’t just the work, though that feeling of not doing something that feels meaningful is definitely soul-crushing, but no, instead it’s the stress of pushing past a severe level of executive function until I no longer can and I begin to make mistake after mistake. It’s the draining exhaustion of seeing the same people and being forced into the same small talk. It’s not having any energy left to clean my house, cook, have a life, or pursue my special interests/hyperfixations. It’s feeling trapped in a schedule that doesn’t work with my needs or energy levels and eventually turns me into a shell of my former self. It’s knowing that each time I get fired and have that time to recover before being forced to re-enter the world that I never fully get back to what I once was. I lose a piece of myself and my ability to function lessens each time.

It’s frustrating because it’s like if I could just manage to work and keep working full time long enough, I could get insurance and get assessed, because I know deep down I’m on the spectrum…but I’ve gotten fired before that happens each time. It’s like I’m trapped in this cycle of not functioning well without support but not having the resources to seek a diagnosis so that I can get support. I feel like the system has failed me and like I’ve slipped through the cracks. It’s hard to have much hope because everyone always tells people that you have to help yourself or change what you don’t like, but it’s like I’m literally unable to get to the point where I can even do that.