Emotional Abuse - Blog Posts

So do I, Sweetheart. <3 😈 🔄

Abuse has a goal behind it, and a lot of the time, it's about changing the victims behavior. If someone screams at you for not doing X activity, eventually you learn to do X activity. If someone hits you when you defy them, eventually you learn not to defy them. If someone abuses you frequently enough, and you begin to break down to their will... It is possible to reach a point where it may seem like you're not being abused anymore.

They don't yell anymore because you stay quiet and do what you're told. They don't threaten you anymore because you don't voice even the slightest disagreement or need. What used to be screaming fighting arguments have become lectures at your expense. They may even praise you for doing what they want you to. And all those mundane moments - breakfast, the rare kind act - stand out more. Your perception of the relationship skews even more. It's all normal now.

And it's still abuse. It's just reached its end goal - wearing you down so badly that they don't need to overtly abuse you anymore to get what they want. All they need to do is make a joke, or complain to guilt you, or tell you want to do/not to do, etc. etc. The fact that's all it takes now doesn't make what's happening to you less severe - if anything, it means you're in much, much more danger than you could realize.

It's abuse. It's horrific. It's just not obvious anymore... and that's terrifying. You deserve so, so much better. You deserve to truly be safe - not to have your wellbeing held behind fearful compliance. That's not safety. That's not love. That's abuse. It being psychological doesn't make it less dangerous.

When abusive parents hurt you, they're not 'doing it for your own good' or 'disciplining you', they're singling you out and making you a target. Because they're not doing it to all other kids, they're not doing it to their guests, friends, coworkers, bosses, neighbours, it doesn't even count if all of those people make one of the same mistakes you do. It's allowed for them. It's okay if anyone else does it. It's okay if other people break things, or refuse to be controlled, or speak up, or demand something, or act selfish, or act childish, or don't cater endlessly, or don't guess their moods, or don't act submissive, it's okay for everyone else! Just not for you!

What exactly is that teaching you?

That you're different. That the brutal and torturous rules exist only for you. That you are the only one who deserves no allowances, no forgiveness, no gentleness, no tolerance, no nuance, no love. And you are the only one! Everyone else can get those things and do what they want, but you will get tortured for it, you'll get tortured even for things you didn't do, because these two people have singled you out and deserved that you're so rotten you deserve worse treatment than any other person alive. And those people are your parents, they made you.

It teaches you injustice, it teaches you to put yourself in a different category than anyone else in the world and to assume you must be so intrinsically different that you won't ever find community, you won't ever find somebody to be on your side or similar to you, because you are the only one who could ever deserve this kind of hatred. It separates you from humanity and makes you feel like you don't belong, like you don't have a home here, it makes you abandoned by everyone because nobody is stating anything different about you. With their silence, dismissal and neglect, everyone is passively agreeing that this is what you deserve. That it doesn't matter to them if you live in pain and despair because you're too different, too otherworldly for them to care about.

No child has deserved to feel like that. Nobody is supposed to be pushed into that pit of despair, injustice and pain, alone, with no visible way out. With nothing they can do to redeem themselves, to find a way to see themselves as human after all that's been done to them. This is not a pit that somebody can easily crawl out of, this is something that can follow you all your life.

All children deserve better than this. Never defend abusive parents when they do this to a child. If you don't want a child to believe themselves to be a monster, don't ignore when this is happening and don't act like it's none of anybody's business. It's all of our business to make sure no kid thinks this lowly of themselves, not even if their parents decide they should. Parents who do this to children should be charged with torture, isolation and psychological devastation of a human being. All children are human. And no child deserves that.

Did your abusive parents continually imply or say outright, that you're a burden not only on them, but also on all other people you interact with?

I had my parents warn me every time I was leaving the house that I was a nuisance and to not allow other people to 'feed me' because then I would be eating somebody else's food. There was a few times where I accepted a ride from my friend's parents, because I didn't dare to ask my own parents, and when they found out, they were outraged, furious and went on this big tirade about how I owe them gas money, how I spent resources that weren't mine, and was now in debt to those people, and they, my parents now had to go and make up for that debt (for the friend's parents, it was a 3 minute detour to pick me up, they were already driving their own kid).

I was discouraged from going anywhere because of how big of a burden I was on those people, and if I wanted to go to a friend's house, they would get mad and ask 'why do you have to go there, aren't we good enough for you', it was mind-boggling.

However it did force me, as a child, to continually believe I have to be extremely useful; at every house I went, I made a gift for them so they wouldn't be mad at me, and to pay my dues that I owe them for being at their place. I also didn't dare to ask for food or drinks anywhere because I believed that would make me a burden and put me in debt, and rides were considered basically unrepayable, and I had to depend on my parents for them, who would use them for blackmail every time. (you have to do whatever I say for 2 weeks, if you want that 15 minutes ride to the train station).

I only realized recently that they actively worked on making me feel despised and burdensome in every place I ever went, not only at my own home, and that it's the reason I never visit other people's houses anymore, and stick to myself in fear of being unwelcome.

Note that this does NOT say, "If a person cares about you, they will drop whatever they're doing, RIGHT NOW, and rush to your side for any reason you deem sufficiently important, and if they don't, then they don't care about you at all."

“No matter how busy a person is, if they care, they’ll find time for you.”

— Unknown

I really like the idea of slow burn abusive relationships in whump~~

Start out dating, the whumper (sadist) is nice and sweet and caring, but starts controlling and belittling whumpee in small ways, embarrassing them in front of their friends, etc til it escalates to the point they can’t ignore it. Before they know it whumper has taken control of their finances, and since whumpee has moved in with them, they don’t get out to see their friends or family much. Which works out because it’s getting hard to hide the marks :)

Romance 💘

Spring Break Fever by

chrono96

Right before their first spring break at NYU, MJ comes over to Ned and Peter's apartment for a favor: she needs someone to spend a week with her and her family in Hawaii, and come as her date to her aunt's wedding so her family will finally stop tormenting her about being single.

There's one catch, though: Peter and MJ can't stand each other, and entangling them in a fake relationship will definitely ensure chaos...and maybe something else.

Constantly being surrounded by people who have it worse than you so you don’t realize how bad it is until you mention something offhandedly that you thought was funny and someone looks at you and tells you that the thing you thought was good was actually bad and then you start thinking and remembering how everything wasn’t good at all and was actually very bad

Parents always say this:

"You're smart. Therefore, it's okay for me to expect more of you."

"You're smart. Therefore, I don't have to care how I explain things to you."

"You're smart. Therefore, it's okay for me to assume that any mistakes you make are intentional."

"You're smart. Therefore, if you say that you struggle with something, it's okay for me to assume that you're just lazy, afraid, lacking confidence, lacking motivation, or any other excuse to dismiss your struggles as fake.

but never this:

"You're smart. Therefore, I will put my authority aside and consider the possibility that you are right and I am wrong.

Like any abusive authority figure, they want you to be smart enough to uphold their authority but not smart enough to challenge their authority.

Please don't ask me for relationship advice unless you are prepared to receive some truly upsetting information because some people are ready for the "He's exhibiting the literal textbook signs of a psychological abuser and you need to get away from him before he successfully cuts you off from your support network" talk and some people aren't

anyone else live under the assumption that they’re constantly doing something wrong

Things abusers do to sabotage you from leaving, or ‘Why you can’t just leave’:

Parental

convince you that you couldn’t survive without them and you wouldn’t be able to support yourself or make it out there alone

refuse to teach you survival skills, find excuses like 'you’re too clumsy, you’re not capable, you wont be able to do this’

convince you of 'catastrophic events’ that would take place if you were out there; homelessness, starvation, social rejection, failing at everything, financial struggles, kidnapping, murder

convince you that the world is a scary place and you’d be a failure and dead 'in the real world’

traumatize you to the point where you struggle to get thru the day, which now also makes it seem like you wouldn’t be able to make it on your own

talk you out of finding work, tell you about awful things that would happen to you if you went and found a job, try to make you to 'work for them’ or at least in the close area

if you find work, they claim a part or entirety of your income, making sure you don’t have escape money

regularly make you feel ashamed of not being able to be independant, and letting you know that only people who are able to be independant deserve to have freedom and place out in the real world

guilt-trip you to feel like you owe them caretaking because they raised you, so you’re owing them to stay and take care of them instead of living your own life

Emotional

complain about how 'everyone abandons them’ in order to make you feel like you’re just 'one of the bad ones who betrayed them’ if you think about leaving

every time you try to leave, they overwhelm you with a new incident, sickness or drama that makes it seem like you’re abandoning them in the middle of a tragedy

act overly attached to you, making sure you know that if you left, they wouldn’t know what to do without you, and they’d be heartbroken, but still they refuse to respect your boundaries

convince you that you’re “all they’ve got”, you’re special and unique to them, only you can understand and help them

love-bomb you until you’re attached and bonded to them to the point where leaving feels unimaginably painful because you’d be losing your closest person in the world

begging, pleading, acting like they gave you no reason to leave, promising to change, promising to do anything you’ve wanted to happen for a long time, making you feel like things are just about to get good and like they regret everything bad they’ve ever done

launching an attack on your persona, pointing out every time you did something 'bad’ and insisting that you’re actually the worst of the two, so you can’t blame them for anything

guilt trips; reminding you of everything they’ve done for you and how ungrateful you are, reminding you of all of the nice things you’ve said about them before, asking if it ever meant anything, accusing you of being heartless if you go, of never loving them, of mistreating them, accusing you of being toxic, deciding you’re hurting them on purpose if you leave

deciding you’re leaving because of their specific problem/situation/disability/illness that you’ve always been considerate and supportive about (another guilt trip)

say it’s “your fault they’ll never get better” with whatever you were helping them with

deciding you only want to leave because of your unhealthy trust issues or 'you push people away’ or 'misinterpret things because of your trauma’ and asking you to be honest with yourself

asking you to explain in detail why you feel the need to leave, only to attack your reasoning and explain it all away and minimize it to make it seem like you have no good reason for leaving

tell you that 'nobody will ever love you again’ if you leave

threaten to expose your most vulnerable secrets if you leave

threaten to hurt themselves if you leave

Psychological

gaslight you into doubting whether you’re abused, to the point where you feel like you’re exaggerating, going insane, remembering things wrong, and unsure if the problem is you or them

time an event of abuse specifically when you’re trying to work on something, or you’re immensely stressed and trying to meet a deadline, so you’d be too overwhelmed with fear/anger/grief, and can’t make your work in time

regularly having intense violent or dramatic reactions to your harmless behaviour, making you feel like you can’t predict what they’ll do if you leave or how that could end for you

support your codependency on them, or financially support your addiction, so you feel tied to them and have to go back to them in order to feel normal again

undermine and trash your work, imply or outright say your work is stupid, meaningless, badly done, and not worth doing, trying to discourage you from working

verbally assault you and criticize your work to the point where you start to feel anxious and upset whenever you’re working, making work a trauma trigger for you

punish you for 'lying to them’ if you fail to mention something, making it clear that you will get hurt every time you make any move they don’t like, which makes it even more scary to leave

threaten to make a suicide attempt if you leave

threaten to hurt you if you leave

threaten to report you and try to get you imprisoned for a real or imagined crime if you leave

threaten to have you admitted to a mental institution (or any other kind of institution) where you’ll be even more controlled

threatening your family members, loved ones, friends, and/or pets, saying horrid things they would do to them if you dared to disobey or leave

threaten to find you and drag you back and hurt you if you try to leave

say outright they’re going to kill you if you ever leave, or that they’d rather have you dead than gone

Social Isolation

create insecurities in your behaviour, repeatedly imply or claim you’re too loud, obnoxious, sensitive, crazy, stupid, clueless, demanding, nagging, until you’re worried that everyone is secretly judging you and the world feels against you

take apart your appearance until you feel too insecure and lose confidence in socializing or meeting new people, constantly feeling like you need to 'fix yourself’ first

demean and condemn your personality, appearance, social standing, finances, capabilities, to the point where they decide you can’t do any better than them and you should feel lucky anyone is tolerating you at all

inflict punishments on you for socializing or hanging out with new people; break your things, throw jealous tantrums, ask why they’re not enough for you, go thru your things, rage

violate your privacy and take away things you need in order for them to control when you’re allowed to have them

smear-campaign you; spread lies about what you were like to them so everyone sides with them, and blames you and tells you what to do (exactly what the abuser wants you to do)

turn your family members and friends against you, and make sure they’ll be unnaccepting of you and refuse to help you if you try to leave

Physical

Physically assaulting you if you do something they don’t want you to do, making it clear they’re going to hurt you for any attempt at leaving them as well

Physically assault you if you try, or say you’re going to leave

Inflict injuries on you that will prevent you from working/being independent

Stalking, making it known they can always find you and seek revenge if you dare to leave

Influencing other people to stalk you and let him know where you are and what you’re doing; making you feel like you’re always being watched and always surrendered by their influence

hurt themselves physically if you make an attempt, or even say that you’re leaving

attempt suicide if you make an attempt of leaving

attempt at murder if you try to leave

Financial

create and maintain a financial situation where they are the only one having income, and they’re able to control how much money you get to spend

withhold financial knowledge from you so you’d be clueless about their finances, and managing finances in general (you can’t get an idea of how much money it takes to get thru a month)

refuse to give you your right to keep your money separately from theirs

create financial trouble that you have to solve, taking up all of your savings in the process

take your money without asking, and the amount you’d never consent to, and they give you excuses and pretend it was 'necessary’

accuse you of 'spending irresponsibly’ as an excuse to confiscate or control the money you have on your person (or in your account)

throw a fit if they find out you have any money on you that they’re not aware of/have approved of (if you borrow or win or earn money that they didn’t give you)

make sure you’re overwhelmed with tasks and problems and emotional trauma, to the point where you don’t have a chance to get out and find a job, or go and look for resources for getting out of abuse

stand against you getting more education, or starting any new activities with people around you (making sure you don’t get any social connections that could lead to a job)

get you fired from a job by spreading lies or calling in and harassing the employer about you

forcing you to spend any money they know you have saved up, so you’d have no money to plan escape

It is NOT EASY to leave, and statistically it takes several attempts to leave an abusive situation. Be aware that it’s hard because they’re sabotaging your every step, not because you’re not doing enough. Abusers often wont show their abusive side until they’re absolutely sure that you have nowhere else to live, and no other place to go. All of the things on this list are psychologically damaging, and terrifying to live thru. All of this is abuse. Nobody has the right to tell you this is your fault. Keep trying. Keep fighting.

If you’re struggling to leave an abusive situation, here’s an article on How to Leave an Abuser.

[image ID: December 7, 2021 tweet by butchanarchy that reads,

If 1 in 4 adults in America truly are estranged from their families it is due to the fact that we have normalized a culture of abuse, not that “cancel culture” has gotten out of hand.

Cutting off someone you have kinship ties with, especially if they are a parent, is not something people do at the drop of that hat or when the mood takes them. It is something that happens when a mutually respectful relationship has shown itself to be impossible.

/end image ID]

skipping the first part because parent

 Desensitizing and normalizing abuse

This person has me seeing a lot of media with abuse in it, and compares it to their behaviour.

This person talks about abuse that is worse than what they're doing, to remind me how good they are in comparison.

I feel like I need to accept their views and be understanding to them or else I am a bad person

I've seen this person act awfully towards other people and I got used to the idea that it's normal and it might be me one day

I know this person thinks horrible things about other people, and I'm scared they'll think the same about me

This person thinks that not being tough and enduring abuse would make me a weakling

This person shows me that being a little rough and violent is just a joke and not a big deal

This person likes telling jokes in which they make fun of someone by humiliating or insulting them, and is convinces me it's just good fun

This person doesn't think their actions would affect someone strongly

This person doesn't seem to feel much guilt when they hurt me, even when I would be horrified to hurt someone else this bad

if someone complains about their behaviour, then that person is called oversensitive, or a killjoy

This person talks about horrible things they've been thru, even when i'm too young to perceive or understand it

This person thinks people who complain about abuse and violence are bad and weak, and just need to endure it and get over it already

This person thinks abuse victims are themselves to blame for participating

This person thinks victims of abuse secretly want it

Guilt-tripping and punishing

I feel like a bad and selfish person if I say no to them

This person explained to me that everyone else does this kind of thing too, and I am stupid if I refuse to do it

This person convinced me if I didn't accept what they do to me I would become spoiled, selfish and rotten, useless person and a burden 

This person says what they do is "tough love" and it's for my own good

I feel like I'm hurting this person if I don't give them what they need (want)

I owe obedience to this person, I am afraid to fail them

I feel if I don't do or think as this person says, I immediately lose all value in their eyes

If I try to resist this person, they compare me to everyone else who hurt them and make me feel horrible about myself

If I say no to this person, I will become useless in their eyes

If I try to resist this person, they will punish me, and start to resent me

No matter how much I resist this person, it makes things worse for me

No matter how much I resist this person, they wear me down and exhaust me until I can't fight them anymore

If I say no to this person, they ask again and again until I say yes, or make me do it by force

I feel too weak to resist them and I think it's my fault

I know I should resist this person, but I feel like they're only one who love me and I can't bear to lose them

I invested so much time and love in this person, I can't bear risking them leave me if I keep resisting them now

If I resist or confront this person, they ignore me for days/weeks and I feel they hate me

I don't feel like I have a choice but to keep doing what I'm told by this person

If I don't do what I'm told, things might escalate into violence and I am too scared to risk it

I'm scared of what they'll do to me, or themselves if I resist

this person explained to me that I'm silly for trying to resist them and what they want me to do is the right thing and I should do it, even if I feel unwilling

this person insists it's not a big deal what they're doing to me and that I shouldn't overreact to it

Isolation and secrecy

I feel uncomfortable telling anyone about what's happening between me and this person in private

I'm scared if I tell anyone, they wouldn't understand, or they would get angry at me for allowing for it to happen

I feel if I told someone, I would be blamed for everything that happened

I don't have many friends or people who would care about me

I'm scared if I told someone, the person doing this to me would make sure I was blamed

I don't want to be disloyal to this person, I know telling someone would make them look bad

I feel like I must keep everything a secret 

this person told me not to tell anyone

this person made threats to me if I told someone

I'm scared of what this person might do to me, or themselves, if I told someone

This person convinced me to get distance from my friends and family, and to not trust other people with anything that happens between us

Rules and terrorizing

I am not allowed to challenge this person, or doubt anything they say. Whatever they say is the truth must be accepted as such, even if I secretly think they might be wrong

I'm not allowed to make this person angry, or I might end up in more pain than I can handle

I'm not allowed to leave or abandon this person, it would make me feel so guilty it would be unbearable

I was allowed to defend myself from this person at the start but I'm forced to give in eventually

I've known this person to do awful things and they might do it to me

I'm aware of how much worse this person could do to me, they keep reminding me to be grateful their behaviour didn't escalate further and how it could

Arguing with this person escalates into insults, humiliation, threats and blackmailing

I'm scared of what this person might reveal to others about me

this person threatened to commit suicide or hurt/murder me if resist

I feel cornered and obliged to go along with this person's demands, to consider otherwise fills me with terror and guilt

I'm terrified of being abandoned by this person, even though being with them is very painful as well

I feel guilty about the things I've allowed this person to do to me, but I don't feel able stopping them from doing more in the future

33...its too much

Am I being groomed to accept abuse? Checklist

 This is the checklist for recognizing if you’re groomed into accepting abuse, this checklist doesn’t cover sexual grooming, and for sexual grooming click here. Bold the points that are true for you, italicize if you’re unsure. Even if sexual grooming isn’t covered here, the same methods are used in sexual grooming as well.

Creating an illusion of bond (this step can be skipped if they’re already a part of family and expect trust by default)

This person makes me feel important and special

This person claims they feel admiration and affection for me because of my maturity and intelligence, and that’s why they’re drawn to me even though it might look inappropriate

I am surprised this person would feel anything for me (because of age-difference, they’re a teacher/adult or otherwise authority figure, or because nobody else in my life thinks I’m worthy being cared for)

This person gives me special privileges

This person tells me personal secrets, and I am surprised they trust me with them

This person acts like they already knew me when they just met me, and acts like we’re very close already, even when there wasn’t much time spent together

This person considers me a part of their life very fast and I am flattered by it

This person was very quick to declare affection and love for me

This person shares intimate details of their life with me and I feel special for it

This person makes me feel like they’re the only one who really loves me

This person said they were the only one who really loves me

This person knows things about me nobody else knows

This person makes me feel at ease to talk about my trauma, even when I don’t feel like I could tell anyone else, they don’t judge me

This person seems to think the world of me right away

This person calls me affectionate nicknames that don’t match the length or type of our relationship

This person gives me presents and gifts out of nowhere and I feel indebted and grateful

I feel indebted to this person, even if I didn’t want the gifts they gave me

This person was there for me when no-one else was and I wont abandon them no matter what

This person praises and compliments me for everything I do they want of me, but their praise stops whenever I want to go against their word

Desensitizing and normalizing abuse

This person has me seeing a lot of media with abuse in it, and compares it to their behaviour.

This person talks about abuse that is worse than what they’re doing, to remind me how good they are in comparison.

I feel like I need to accept their views and be understanding to them or else I am a bad person

I’ve seen this person act awfully towards other people and I got used to the idea that it’s normal and it might be me one day

I know this person thinks horrible things about other people, and I’m scared they’ll think the same about me

This person thinks that not being tough and enduring abuse would make me a weakling

This person shows me that being a little rough and violent is just a joke and not a big deal

This person likes telling jokes in which they make fun of someone by humiliating or insulting them, and is convinces me it’s just good fun

This person doesn’t think their actions would affect someone strongly

This person doesn’t seem to feel much guilt when they hurt me, even when I would be horrified to hurt someone else this bad

if someone complains about their behaviour, then that person is called oversensitive, or a killjoy

This person talks about horrible things they’ve been thru, even when i’m too young to perceive or understand it

This person thinks people who complain about abuse and violence are bad and weak, and just need to endure it and get over it already

This person thinks abuse victims are themselves to blame for participating

This person thinks victims of abuse secretly want it

Guilt-tripping and punishing

I feel like a bad and selfish person if I say no to them

This person explained to me that everyone else does this kind of thing too, and I am stupid if I refuse to do it

This person convinced me if I didn’t accept what they do to me I would become spoiled, selfish and rotten, useless person and a burden 

This person says what they do is “tough love” and it’s for my own good

I feel like I’m hurting this person if I don’t give them what they need (want)

I owe obedience to this person, I am afraid to fail them

I feel if I don’t do or think as this person says, I immediately lose all value in their eyes

If I try to resist this person, they compare me to everyone else who hurt them and make me feel horrible about myself

If I say no to this person, I will become useless in their eyes

If I try to resist this person, they will punish me, and start to resent me

No matter how much I resist this person, it makes things worse for me

No matter how much I resist this person, they wear me down and exhaust me until I can’t fight them anymore

If I say no to this person, they ask again and again until I say yes, or make me do it by force

I feel too weak to resist them and I think it’s my fault

I know I should resist this person, but I feel like they’re only one who love me and I can’t bear to lose them

I invested so much time and love in this person, I can’t bear risking them leave me if I keep resisting them now

If I resist or confront this person, they ignore me for days/weeks and I feel they hate me

I don’t feel like I have a choice but to keep doing what I’m told by this person

If I don’t do what I’m told, things might escalate into violence and I am too scared to risk it

I’m scared of what they’ll do to me, or themselves if I resist

this person explained to me that I’m silly for trying to resist them and what they want me to do is the right thing and I should do it, even if I feel unwilling

this person insists it’s not a big deal what they’re doing to me and that I shouldn’t overreact to it

Isolation and secrecy

I feel uncomfortable telling anyone about what’s happening between me and this person in private

I’m scared if I tell anyone, they wouldn’t understand, or they would get angry at me for allowing for it to happen

I feel if I told someone, I would be blamed for everything that happened

I don’t have many friends or people who would care about me

I’m scared if I told someone, the person doing this to me would make sure I was blamed

I don’t want to be disloyal to this person, I know telling someone would make them look bad

I feel like I must keep everything a secret 

this person told me not to tell anyone

this person made threats to me if I told someone

I’m scared of what this person might do to me, or themselves, if I told someone

This person convinced me to get distance from my friends and family, and to not trust other people with anything that happens between us

Rules and terrorizing

I am not allowed to challenge this person, or doubt anything they say. Whatever they say is the truth must be accepted as such, even if I secretly think they might be wrong

I’m not allowed to make this person angry, or I might end up in more pain than I can handle

I’m not allowed to leave or abandon this person, it would make me feel so guilty it would be unbearable

I was allowed to defend myself from this person at the start but I’m forced to give in eventually

I’ve known this person to do awful things and they might do it to me

I’m aware of how much worse this person could do to me, they keep reminding me to be grateful their behaviour didn’t escalate further and how it could

Arguing with this person escalates into insults, humiliation, threats and blackmailing

I’m scared of what this person might reveal to others about me

this person threatened to commit suicide or hurt/murder me if resist

I feel cornered and obliged to go along with this person’s demands, to consider otherwise fills me with terror and guilt

I’m terrified of being abandoned by this person, even though being with them is very painful as well

I feel guilty about the things I’ve allowed this person to do to me, but I don’t feel able stopping them from doing more in the future

If you bolded and italicized 4 or more of the points of any but the first category, you have underwent some form of grooming. If you bolded and italicized more than 25 of the points, you have been thru extensive and extremely malicious grooming. Anyone put thru this would find themselves helpless and cornered, it is not your fault if you’ve been subjected to this, and you did not attract it into your life.

If you bolded a lot of things in the first category, but not the others, and this relationship is still new, be careful because they might start doing the second phase of grooming at one point. (If the relationship between you and this person already lasted for years and never escalated into any abusive or coercive behaviour, you can ignore that advice).

Psychological brainwashing

they use every little slip-up or mistake as a proof that I’m incapable of independency

they humiliate my work and insist I’m never going to be good enough to make it on my own

they insist I make bad decisions, and they know better for my life, even though I’m an adult

they claim that the way I’m going, I’m never going to become anything in life

they convinced me I would be dead without them

they threatened my life when I wouldn’t do as they want me to

they remind me they hold my life in their hands, and that I have to do as I’m told

they put me in situation where I can’t collect myself fast enough to do things properly, and then use it as a proof that I can’t do anything right (for instance, yelling at you while you try to drive a car, then humiliating you when you make a mistake because of their yelling)

they convinced me escaping them equals death

they talked about all the ways I would lose everything and end up dying from starvation, sickness, assault, lack of shelter, lack of resources if I leave, and it would be all my fault

they keep reminding me of how much worse I could have it, and how much worse others have it

they told me other people would judge me even worse, abuse/beat me more, and that I don’t even know how lucky I am to be with them

they make it seem like I would be taking up too much space and be a nuisance to good people I were to leave, they make it seem like it would be stupid for me to live anywhere else

they keep convincing me I would end up being most pathetic person if I tried to live on my own

they threatened me with poverty and starvation, and they look down on poor people to the point where I’m sure they would find me stupid and pathetic if I were to end up poor

they told me that nobody else would tolerate and accept me, and if I escape from them, all the doors would be closed to me, and society would abandon me completely

they cause a scene including violence and abuse, and then afterwards their attitude suddenly changes and they’re gentle and nice to me, making me feel very disoriented and confused

they keep me in awful living conditions, but sometimes they’ll offer me some gift or privilege that feels like I’m special to them, and makes me believe things are okay

they finance my addiction or supply me with something I can’t do without so I have to stay

I know I’m not supposed to tell anyone about their mistreatment of me, or make them look bad in any way, even bolding things on this list feels like a forbidden thing to do

I’m not allowed to mention the times they hurt or abused me, and if I do, they get upset, and reverse the situation so it seems that it was my fault, or I deserved it, or I made it up

I’m aware every day of the things I’m not supposed to do, if I don’t want to upset them, and have to walk on eggshells around them most of the time

I feel like things could get better if I stay, even if it’s really bad right now

I remember things being so great, I can’t let go of hope that it’s going to be like that again

I feel like I’m addicted to them and couldn’t leave if I wanted to

I feel like they’re the only person who could ever love me

I don’t believe I could survive without them

I’m scared of them, but I’m not allowed to say it

I’m too damaged at this point to be living with normal people, there is no place for me except here

Violence and threats

they break my things if I’m away when they expect me/need me to be home

they threatened to hurt me if I leave

they threatened to hurt themselves if I leave

they threatened that I will be dragged back if I leave

they threatened to call the police if I leave

they threatened to kill me if I leave

they threatened to hurt someone I love if I leave

they threatened to hurt/kill my pet if I leave

they threatened to put me in a mental institution when I expressed distress at how they treat me

they punish every little disobedience from their rules so severely, I feel like the punishment for leaving would be death

Emotional manipulation and guilt

they claim to be worried about me, but their worried actions always make my situation much worse, and end up sabotaging everything I’m trying to do

they remind me that I have to be grateful to them, because they’re the only reason I’m still alive

they disapprove of me having friends, and get upset if I spend a lot of time with friends

they make me feel like I’m a horrible person for not loving them, and for wanting to get away

they make me feel so guilty and ashamed for not feeling the way I’m supposed to

they make me believe they’ll be hurt if I leave, and I would be cruel to do that to them

they cause a scene and make me feel very guilty if I talk about leaving

they seem so distressed about me leaving, it’s hard for me to not feel guilty for distressing them

Escape Sabotage

they traumatized me to the point where I can’t take care of myself on my own, and they blame me for it

they caused me cptsd/anxiety/depression that stops me from regular life activities and forces me to rely on them to provide for me

they keep making my cptsd/anxiety/depression worse, and make it impossible for me to recover

they make sure I never have enough resources to run away (take away my money, monitor my finances, overwork and exhaust me to the point where I can’t hold down a job)

they manipulated me into signing a contract that binds me to them, or a certain place, or keeps my money out of my reach, and under their control, making it harder to leave

they disapprove of me getting more education or a job, especially if it’s far away**

they cause me distress in crucial moments when I need to focus on accomplishing something (for instance, yelling at you for something rigth when you need to finish and submit your final work)

"Oh hey 23 isn't so bad. I wonder what the threshold is."

Three... just three...

**they want me to work or go to school but they dont seem to want me to be independent

Am I being held hostage by abuser(s)? Checklist. Bold the ones that happened to you, italicize if you’re not sure.

Psychological brainwashing

they use every little slip-up or mistake as a proof that I’m incapable of independency

they humiliate my work and insist I’m never going to be good enough to make it on my own

they insist I make bad decisions, and they know better for my life, even though I’m an adult

they claim that the way I’m going, I’m never going to become anything in life

they convinced me I would be dead without them

they threatened my life when I wouldn’t do as they want me to

they remind me they hold my life in their hands, and that I have to do as I’m told

they put me in situation where I can’t collect myself fast enough to do things properly, and then use it as a proof that I can’t do anything right (for instance, yelling at you while you try to drive a car, then humiliating you when you make a mistake because of their yelling)

they convinced me escaping them equals death

they talked about all the ways I would lose everything and end up dying from starvation, sickness, assault, lack of shelter, lack of resources if I leave, and it would be all my fault

they keep reminding me of how much worse I could have it, and how much worse others have it

they told me other people would judge me even worse, abuse/beat me more, and that I don’t even know how lucky I am to be with them

they make it seem like I would be taking up too much space and be a nuisance to good people I were to leave, they make it seem like it would be stupid for me to live anywhere else

they keep convincing me I would end up being most pathetic person if I tried to live on my own

they threatened me with poverty and starvation, and they look down on poor people to the point where I’m sure they would find me stupid and pathetic if I were to end up poor

they told me that nobody else would tolerate and accept me, and if I escape from them, all the doors would be closed to me, and society would abandon me completely

they cause a scene including violence and abuse, and then afterwards their attitude suddenly changes and they’re gentle and nice to me, making me feel very disoriented and confused

they keep me in awful living conditions, but sometimes they’ll offer me some gift or privilege that feels like I’m special to them, and makes me believe things are okay

they finance my addiction or supply me with something I can’t do without so I have to stay

I know I’m not supposed to tell anyone about their mistreatment of me, or make them look bad in any way, even bolding things on this list feels like a forbidden thing to do

I’m not allowed to mention the times they hurt or abused me, and if I do, they get upset, and reverse the situation so it seems that it was my fault, or I deserved it, or I made it up

I’m aware every day of the things I’m not supposed to do, if I don’t want to upset them, and have to walk on eggshells around them most of the time

I feel like things could get better if I stay, even if it’s really bad right now

I remember things being so great, I can’t let go of hope that it’s going to be like that again

I feel like I’m addicted to them and couldn’t leave if I wanted to

I feel like they’re the only person who could ever love me

I don’t believe I could survive without them

I’m scared of them, but I’m not allowed to say it

I’m too damaged at this point to be living with normal people, there is no place for me except here

Violence and threats

they break my things if I’m away when they expect me/need me to be home

they threatened to hurt me if I leave

they threatened to hurt themselves if I leave

they threatened that I will be dragged back if I leave

they threatened to call the police if I leave

they threatened to kill me if I leave

they threatened to hurt someone I love if I leave

they threatened to hurt/kill my pet if I leave

they threatened to put me in a mental institution when I expressed distress at how they treat me

they punish every little disobedience from their rules so severely, I feel like the punishment for leaving would be death

Emotional manipulation and guilt

they claim to be worried about me, but their worried actions always make my situation much worse, and end up sabotaging everything I’m trying to do

they remind me that I have to be grateful to them, because they’re the only reason I’m still alive

they disapprove of me having friends, and get upset if I spend a lot of time with friends

they make me feel like I’m a horrible person for not loving them, and for wanting to get away

they make me feel so guilty and ashamed for not feeling the way I’m supposed to

they make me believe they’ll be hurt if I leave, and I would be cruel to do that to them

they cause a scene and make me feel very guilty if I talk about leaving

they seem so distressed about me leaving, it’s hard for me to not feel guilty for distressing them

Escape Sabotage

they traumatized me to the point where I can’t take care of myself on my own, and they blame me for it

they caused me cptsd/anxiety/depression that stops me from regular life activities and forces me to rely on them to provide for me

they keep making my cptsd/anxiety/depression worse, and make it impossible for me to recover

they make sure I never have enough resources to run away (take away my money, monitor my finances, overwork and exhaust me to the point where I can’t hold down a job)

they manipulated me into signing a contract that binds me to them, or a certain place, or keeps my money out of my reach, and under their control, making it harder to leave

they disapprove of me getting more education or a job, especially if it’s far away

they cause me distress in crucial moments when I need to focus on accomplishing something (for instance, yelling at you for something rigth when you need to finish and submit your final work)

if you can bold even 3 of these, your abusers are aware that they’re abusing you, and that is logical for you to want to get away from them, and they’re making direct actions to sabotage and stop you from escaping.Only reason they would try to convince you that you can’t survive without them is that they know you are able to, and they’re actively trying to stop it. If you feel pathetic for not being able to leave, this isn’t true, you’ll notice abusers are putting shitton of work making sure you can’t leave, they wouldn’t be doing that if they really thought you were too pathetic to leave? They’re sabotaging you because they know you can get away.

Also, presenting themselves as the only source of survival, love, and comfort to you? They’re trying to affect you to trauma bond to them and have you develop Stockholm Syndrome, that means you’d be forced to make decisions for their benefit instead of yours, and you wouldn’t be able to fight against them because it would mean risking your life.

Sometimes, I don't want to heal. Healing almost feels like a betrayal to myself. I know what they've done, and the damage will never be fully healed. It almost scares me to think that I might forget or become numb to it. As long as the wounds stay open, and I still feel the burning pain, it's real. I can't trick myself into thinking it's not.

There are other times when I don't want to heal because people might not believe me. I've already plenty who don't, but it would be so much worse if someone saw evidence of my trauma but didn't believe me because the rest of my personality and coping mechanisms seem normal. If I stay broken, the smaller cracks are less noticable, and they're easier to explain. Obviously, a shattered window is going to have both big and small cracks and might even be missing some pieces.

Sometimes healing just doesn't seem worth it because I feel like my life should be perfect once I'm past that point. People have it worse, and the worst is behind me, so I have no right to be this way.

I don't know. I'm not sure I want to heal

Not invalidating anyone, but my abuser used the first two to emphasize how much of a disappointment I was when I couldn't deliver what was expected of me. I was "gifted," but eventually started to slip. Those phrases were used against me even before that whenever I thought something was difficult or I just flat out couldn't do it, which made it so much more painful when I finally reached the bottom of my fall. I wasn't what I was "supposed to be," and never would be.

Some of these others were used but they were empty. If I actually needed help, I likely wouldn't get it. "Are you okay?" "You can tell us anything." "If you need help, just ask." But help never came. For my depression, my anxiety, my autism symptoms, my ADHD symptoms... My siblings were helped when they needed it, but I was left to rot. The most help I got was being able to stay after school for tutoring a few times so I wouldn't have to repeat a class and be even more embarrassing. That didn't last long though and I had to resort to cheating.

The enabler was genuine about being proud. The other couldn't even utter the words to tell that lie. Captain enabler also said we were good kids, but never protected me from the abuse, so there was a lot of dissonance. If I'm a good kid, why am I being punished and called an asshole? A worthless, lazy dumbass? It's confusing.

Phrases I don’t hear from abusive parents:

“You can achieve anything you want.”

”You’ll be fine, you’re smart and capable. You can do this. ”

”Are you alright? Do you need help?

“Are you hurt?”

”I’m sorry.”

“You’re not alone, if you want to pursue this we’ll help you.”

“Nobody is allowed to hurt you.”

“I’ll be here if you need me.”

“It’s all going to be okay.”

“You’re a good kid.”

“You did a great job!”

“I’m proud of you.”

I feel like my brain is just broken beyond repair.

Nobody knows what wrong with it. All we know is that something is wrong.

Whatever it is is irreparable. All I can do is learn to live with it, but I don't want to. It's not fair.

Abuser got me an expensive gift and now I'm spiraling again...

I'm trying to leave but... If I cut contact, I'll feel guilty and everyone except one person who relates will hate me...

I think I said too much.

I was mentioning how almost everyone was secretly packing up to move out and away from my abuser and one of her cohorts.

My sibling who doesn't necessarily see her as abusive looked at me like I was crazy when I mentioned it...

I hate thism I have almost no one irl I can talk to about this shit, especially since my siblings and I were all treated differently. They even look at me like I'm crazy for pointing it out.

But most of them are in fact leaving to get away from her because she's the problem. Sure, some are leaving because they're young adults now and they need freedom, but you also have to acknowledge her behavior. Not me though. I'm stuck

It's wild how abusers will normalize things and use different language to make it sound okay.

"spanking" instead of "hitting" or "beating" unless they're threatening you. Once it's over, you got *spanked" and not "beaten."

I've known for a while that my parents were physically abusive when I was growing up, but I was afraid to call what they did "beating" until recently. I had a conversation with someone I grew up with, and that's what she called it. I was dumbfounded for a second before I stopped and thought about it. Then, I felt validated and heard.

I've gone from refusing to call what I experienced trauma to looking into finding a psychiatrist to see if I have cptsd.... (Over the course of several years unfortunately)

2006: "No. My parents aren't hitting or beating me. They're spanking me, and for good reason. :/"

2010: "I don't think you should spank kids, but what my parents are doing isn't bad. I think a pop on the hand makes more sense, but these spankings aren't abuse."

2014: "Well now I'm depressed. My parents definitely have a lot to do with it, but I don't think they were physically abusive. Definitely verbally and emotionally but I have no trauma."

2016: "it could have been so much worse, but it's all stuck in my brain and I can't get it out. It's definitely me being sensitive. That stuff doesn't cause trauma."

2019: "So it is trauma... But it wasn't that bad. I heard about little t trauma. That's what it is. I still have no right to complain."

2020: "Trauma is trauma. Why am I comparing? They messed up and I should've left by now. They were physically abusive, but still not that bad. Little t trauma still counts."

Very recently: "Nevermind. Big T trauma. It is most certainly that bad. I wouldn't have reacted that way back then if it wasn't."

Suck that it took me so long

Don't you just love it when you start doubting everything just because your abuser got you Christmas presents and acted normal for two days?

And people wonder how you get stuck in the cycle...

People aren't joking when they say progress isn't linear... I hate it here

Oh I don't like how my parents are treating me... But I guess it's normal. I'll try to be better :)

Hm. Being better didn't work. Maybe I'll try again. :)

Okay maybe I'm just having some trouble. They could be nicer about it though

Okay. They're definitely mistreating me. Someone help?

Hm. Maybe I should run away. Maybe if they find out how much they're hiring me, they'll stop.

They know... They don't care. I wish someone would come and save me.

Maybe if I tell them again, they'll care this time and change?

They still don't care. I'll leave at 18. I can make it.

Not sure if I can make it that long, but at least it's not as bad as it was before.

Maybe I was just overreacting and it's not that bad. It could've been way worse

It was pretty bad. Once I move out, I'm cutting them off.

But I can't abandon them.... They're my family...

But I wouldn't let my friends be treated that way. I should stick to the plan

The plan didn't work, but I still plan to cut contact.

But I've been a burden for a while. The least I could do is repay them and stick around. It doesn't matter if I'd let my friends do it. They're not as awful as me

They're back at it.... I'm leaving... When I finally get the money

Oh so you're just going to use them until you get on your feet and then abandon them????

The conflicting feeling has returned.

You've been terrible to me and I want you to face consequences.

But you're in danger and I don't want anything awful happening to you.

But you've done so much to hurt me over the years.

But you've also done so much to help me.

You were apathetic towards my plight and my cries often fell on deaf ears.

I would help you if I could but my untreated and undiagnosed disorders and years of abuse have led me to a terrible mental state and I have no funds to help you.

My abuser needs to go to the hospital. They refuse. Their ailment could get worse. I have no car, nor license, nor insurance, nor funds and I cannot help them.

I would like to show just the smallest bit of mercy to my abuser, despite how often they refused to show me even a grain of it, but we are both helpless for the time being....