Unhealthy - Blog Posts

How much damage does it take for a bird to never fly again..?

((I figured I practice some angst then my usual fluff fanarts... ówò))

Struggles

TW: talk of self starvation

This year I've even struggled with my body image, I know I'm a beautiful girl and I've always been told as such but even then it's hard to feel happy in my own body because social media portrays women as very skinny even though it's not healthy or safe and I fell victim to it's trap, I didn't like how my stomach looked and so I would sleep when I felt hungry.

I would deflect it when my mum brought it up and I craved that feeling of starvation, it was amazing even though it wasn't healthy, I didn't even like my body when I was underweight, it felt like I would never be happy with myself, and being honest with myself, the company I had made it worse... I had a 'friend' who would constantly talk about how she hated her body, we looked very similar and so I learned to hate my body from her and the media, if you know me in real life you would know that I am a very bubbly person and I used that as a shield to hide behind, nobody would ever think I doing anything bad to myself if I seemed always happy and it worked like a charm.

I hated every imperfection, I hated my stomach, my skin, my stretch marks that you can barely even see but I would always find something to hate about myself, I have really only brushed on the topic of this with one friend, my mother doesn't even know I felt like this, I would like to keep it that way as she has enough on her plate. I have learned to love myself and it's been a long journey, it's still not over, I have learnt that the body I have is beautiful and perfect the way it is and I feel like others should too, it's a long journey but it's so worth it and I hope that anyone who's read this is able to love themselves for who they are, yourself worth is not how you look, its how you act, behave and interact with others, if anyone is judging you for your appearance then that's a tell tale of what kinda person they are and let me tell you one thing, their not a person you want to be around!

Remember you always come first.

One thing I love

Is how Sam has this just bonkers, bananas, insane attachment to Dean, that's also just entirely unexamined by him.

Like, it's a bit different on Dean's end. Dean is absolutely ludicrously attached to Sam as well, but Dean *knows* this. He talks about how "watching out for Sam" is his job and identity. He talks about how he knows he goes too far for him. He even acknowledges sometimes that he knows it isn't a normal or healthy way to be.

But then Sam. Intellectual, rational, introspective, analytical Sam. Sam the "more independent" brother. Sam the "selfish" brother. Sam who left, Sam who ran, Sam who maybe could have lived a normal life.

That guy started combing through John's journal halfway through Season 1, looking for a way to magick Dean out of dying. *He never even attempted this for Jess*. Jess died, he grieved. Dean was going to die, Sam's brain just did one big "NOPE!" And he never asked himself why that was.

And so it's gone throughout the series. Dean's in danger, Dean's gone, Sam loses his mind. Dean rejects him - or Sam just thinks Dean's rejecting him - Sam loses his mind some more. But... for a guy who seems really self-aware in other ways, prior to Season 11 the most he'd ever say would be a shrug and "He's my brother." It's almost like it doesn't even occur to Sam that this is something he maybe *should* examine. Like to him, if course anyone would react to their sibling's death that way (but not a spouse's death? Jess didn't raise that level of insanity in him). Of course the proper response to your brother being disappointed in you is to want to kill yourself. There's nothing to think about.

Dean knows it isn't normal. But to Sam, it doesn't even register.

Even later, when he had examined this enough to tell Dean they had to chill out a bit on the whole ending-the-world-to-save-each-other thing. He still told his mother that he and Dean only hug when it's "literally the end of the world." The fact that he didn't catch the inaccuracy of that comment, the fact that that's really what Sam thinks, is fascinating. This guy is usually a relatively reliable narrator. He's usually pretty good at seeing things as they are and not distorting. But he processed "Dean and I hug when death is on the line" as "We hug when the world is ending", and he didn't even catch that he did that. He didn't realize he had conflated "Dean dying" with "world ending." And that is so completely *not normal* for Sam in any other way.

Like, Dean is aware that he's bonkers where Sam is concerned, and he's aware of the pros and cons of being that way. Sam's out there straight-up stabbing people and drinking demon blood and releasing Darkness, saying "Well yeah, he's my brother." And that disconnect, in a guy who spends his life trying to know everything, is just... Agh.