Social Skills - Blog Posts

REAL SHIT‼️

I've expanded the instructions I gave for apologizing into a detailed listicle. I hope it'll be helpful. Some of the points, however, are very specific to the English language.

1. Don't explain what happened, it will sound like you're justifying your actions. And because of the way our brains work, you're likely to actually start justifying your actions. At that point, you're no longer apologizing. Remind yourself that the apology needs to have priority right now, and that there will be time later to identify causes and solutions.

2. Be specific, or at least use more words than "I'm sorry." "Sorry" is used so often as a polite noise, nearly meaningless, that it's difficult to be sincere, or even sound sincere when using it for a formal apology. Again, this ties into what @theconcealedweapon wrote: we're trained to say "sorry" when we don't mean it, so that becomes the core of the word's meaning, without our even realizing it. And if you're Australian, it gets even worse!

Personally, I use "I apologize" or "My apologies," or in dire circumstances, "Please accept my apology." This allows me to break my conditioning and focus on my genuine contrition, as well as making it clear to others that I'm taking the apology seriously.

3. Apologize for what you did, and absolutely NOT how it made someone feel. The latter is often used for manipulation.

Other things not to apologize for:

that the consequences of your actions happened

what you don't like about the person or group you're apologizing to

being right

being better than the people you're apologizing to

allegedly not having any idea what you're supposed to be apologizing for

...you'd think all this would go without saying, but it can be subtler than you might expect, and sometimes we do it without thinking, because we picked it up as children, from the nastier adults around us.

Instead, take a moment to focus on what you did, and how to describe it clearly in a way that accepts your fault and/or responsibility for the situation. Again, don't bring anything else into the apology, lest you make it seem less of an apology. People are so used to hearing the above crap from unrepentant people, that they will not give you the benefit of the doubt.

4. Watch your tone of voice. This is actually two separate points.

First, yet another thing we unconsciously pick up as children is the obviously sarcastic mock apology. It's not always a bad thing, it can be a joke or a verbal gesture, but you have to make sure you don't let that habit find its way into a genuine apology, and ruin it. This is where the bit about "Say it like you mean it" comes from. The easiest way to say it like you mean it is to mean it. See next paragraph.

Second, if you can't be respectful and express regret, you shouldn't be apologizing just yet. You're not ready. Leave the art of convincingly faking an apology to the con artists and cult leaders. You will probably need to just keep your mouth shut for a while. Acknowledge (to yourself) the possibility that you might change your mind later. In some rare cases, it may be possible to tell people, "I'm not ready to apologize just yet," but don't count on it.

5. (optional) If necessary and you can do it honestly, either characterize what you did, or agree with others' characterization of it, or promise to/ask how to not do it again, or multiple of the above. Say that it was wrong or inappropriate or a failure or whatever. Name people who called you out, say they were right, and repeat what they said about what you're apologizing for. If you promise not to do it again, don't pivot to talking about how great you will be in the future, keep it focused on the apology.

This might be a bit too much for less dire apologies, and you may not be able to manage this if you apologize the minute you can bring yourself to be sincere, but otherwise, you can build yourself some credibility by immediately seeking to improve yourself and make sure that YOU never do whatever-it-was again. It's more for privately apologizing to your direct supervisor, or to a friend.

On the other hand, beware of doing this if you're the authority figure, or are apologizing to a large group, because politicians routinely pivot away from making actual apologies by making big promises for the future. People are wise to this, though, and your whole apology is liable to be dismissed as bullshit if you try to use it for self-promotion.

So many people seem completely unaware of what a genuine apology is.

And that's because children are forced to say sorry on command.

Before they ever had a chance to process what they did, why they did it, what effect it had on others, or what they should have done instead, they're expected to say that they're sorry. And they're expected to "say it like you mean it" with no indication of what that even means and with no time to figure out how to phrase it correctly.

Sometimes, even when the child's actions are justified by any logical reasoning, they're expected to apologize because an authority figure demands it.

The goal of saying sorry ends up being solely to avoid punishment. And they phrase the apology in whatever way the authority figure will accept.

The result is an entire society filled with people who give completely useless apologies that appear like they're only trying to avoid punishment.

Any advice on how to approach tough conversations with my parents without getting overwhelmed and crying?

-Keep in mind that not every discussion is a fight. It doesn’t have to turn into a fight.

-Think about what you want to say on beforehand. You can write your ideas if possible so you don’t miss any point or get lost within the conversation.

-Tell your parents that you want to talk about something important. Schedule a brief time with them in which they can give you their attention.

-Let them know why talking about that subject is important for you.

-Your emotional well being goes first. If the thing is getting ugly you can ask to pause the conversation and re take it when everybody is more calm (this particular tip has made wonders in the relationship with my mom).

-Keep your voicetone calm but steady. Don’t shout, and try to not get heated. Remember that it’s a conversation. Don’t get defensive even if they do. The outcome might not be what you wanted and that might be frustrating but try to stay calm.

-Some phrases that might help are:

“I would like to know what you think of (the subject)”

“Why do you think that way? What are your concerns?”

“I understand why you say it but I do not agree”

“From my point of view…”

“I would appreciate if you could give thought to (subject)” and negotiate a partial agreement

“I don’t agree with that but I respect your decision/ will support you”

-If things don’t go your way you can always try again when armed with resources.

And even if the outcome isn’t what you wanted I am already proud of you for speaking out. I believe you and support you.

Sorry for being vague. Well, I have a pretty good relationship with my parents, but they get irritated and sometimes angry because of my sensitivity and how hard it is for me to approach someone and hold a conversation, or do something simple like order food. They tell me that I need to get over it and act appropriate for my age. I want to talk to them about my AVPD so that they might better understand why I act like this and possibly be able to help, or at least not put as much pressure on me

Thanks so much for clarifying! I’m glad you did, because this turns out to be a very different post than I was planning to write.

First of all, here’s some really good clinical descriptions of Avoidant Personality Disorder: Cleveland Clinic, and DSM.

The most fundamental thing:

You don’t experience the world the same way your parents do.

You live in the same world, of course. But the way you perceive, interpret and experience it, is very different. It’s like your brain applies a different filter.

You have certain specific needs, ones that your parents do not have.

That means they can’t rely on “what works for them” as a guide to what will work for you.

(Further, excellent reading: the Usual Error.)

The fact is, certain things are actually harder for you than for most people. And certain things are actually damaging to you, even though they might not damage others.

It’s a real issue. Your parents need to understand that you can’t turn this off.

It got built-in, which is the whole problem; everything grew around it. It’s integrated with your entire personality and the way you exist in the world.

You can’t choose which parts of your life it affects or doesn’t. By definition, a PD harms almost every aspect of your life, whether you want it to or not.

And this fact doesn’t change just because someone is mad at you or is being inconvenienced by your difficulties.

Becoming un-disordered is a very, very intricate and painstaking process, and it does not happen by force.

Personality disorders are complex.

AvPD is part anxiety disorder, part codependency/boundary problems, part emotional dysfunction; and like other PD’s, it’s viciously self-reinforcing.

(Social anxiety could be a helpful frame of reference for your parents. AvPD is like social anxiety, but different & more complex, so it’s tougher to deal with.)

It is very hard to get out of the PD cycle. That’s why every one of us needs a lot of help before we can find our way out.

Personality disorders mean inflexibility.

Part of that is, we take the same approach to all kinds of different problems. Even when a different solution would work better, we cling to avoidance.

Other people can watch us do the same thing over again, even though it was a disaster the last three times, and wonder why we can’t learn.

It’s not that we don’t know how things “should” be, or how we “should” act. We’re already perfectionists! We don’t need you to tell us.

And when people announce that we’re failing, or point out what we’re doing wrong, or how to do it better, that makes it worse. 

It directly feeds our perfectionism, our fear of criticism, and our avoidance.

Knowing doesn’t fix it.

It’s not that kind of problem.

That’s why nobody can “snap us out of it” or make us “get over it.”

What we need is, to be given the chance to heal and grow.

We need to be cared for, accepted, and supported.

People with AvPD especially need help to get out of it. Avoidance keeps us in an ever-tightening loop of limited experiences. And then we have fewer opportunities to try new things; fewer chances to become more flexible.

It’s reallllly hard for us to “accidentally” get better.

Recovering from a personality disorder is a process of slowly untangling all the messed-up stuff in our head, and learning good useful stuff to replace it.

It’s kind of like “remedial” emotional education.

This is where therapy really shines – that’s what it’s for. A therapist can teach you about emotions, how to deal with them, and how to get your needs met.

But even further than that …

The relationship you have with a well-matched therapist is a corrective experience for you.

The things that led to this disorder, whatever they were, happened in the dimension of relating to others. You have emotional learning from that. It can’t be changed by thinking about it, or by willpower.

It has to be overwritten, by a new, healing connection with another human being.

Great therapy can do this. Certain great friendships or other relationships can too, if you approach them consciously and carefully.

But again: This doesn’t happen by accident. Your parents need to know that they can’t just ignore this problem and hope it will go away, because it won’t.

If you’re close to someone with AvPD…

… the very best thing you can do for them is make sure they know that you accept who and how they are; that you support whatever they want to do; and you love them unconditionally – there’s nothing they can do that will end your positive regard for them.

And then, prove it in actions. Even when it is not easy for you to do.

Having one little safe corner in our lives can help us cope, a lot.

And, Anon, that sounds like what you’re asking for. Hopefully, your parents will be patient and sympathetic enough to give that to you. <3

(Some more stuff specifically for/about them, under the readmore.)

So, your parents need to know that this isn’t new.

The fact that you’re only now telling them about it, doesn’t mean it just started happening.

This is a thing that has been there for a very long time. It is your “normal.” The only difference is, now you (and your parents) know there is a name for it.

Denying the name or denying that you have any problems …..isn’t going to remove the problems.

Your parents are probably going to have a lot of feelings about hearing this.

It’s hard to learn that your kid is struggling, that they have a real problem and you can’t make it go away. It is normal to wonder if it’s your fault or try to figure out what you did wrong.

It’s OK to have emotional reactions to this news. Absolutely fine.

But your kid needs you to be present with them right now, and they need you to listen to them, and take them seriously.

They need you to believe them.

If you need to go sort out your own feelings about it before you can do that, tell them so, go do that privately, and then come back to continue the discussion once you’re able to be supportive.

Be patient. Try very hard to be open-minded. Be willing to learn.

It is a huge act of trust for them to tell you about this stuff. Don’t let down that trust. Honestly, you’ll probably never get it back.

Here are some typical reactions when somebody finally gets diagnosed, or discovers there’s a name for what they experience (self-diagnosed).

Understandably, when you find out that your problems are a Real Thing, you’re pretty delighted. And you want to share it with the people close to you.

You are like, “yeah, woo! Finally, there is a name for this! There is vocabulary to express how it feels! There are other people who have this thing too! It’s not uncharted territory! I’m not alone!!!”

And then you are like, “Wait. People have gotten mad at me for the things I’ve done because of this problem, and that wasn’t fair. That hurt me. It wasn’t my fault, and I’m not a bad person. I’m not broken or defective. I’m not lazy. I’m not selfish. I’m doing the best I can to survive my own mind.

“How can they complain about getting splashed from standing next to me, when I’m the one getting the bucket of water dumped on my head?”

These are all, totally normal reactions to finally getting a diagnosis/finding words for what you’re dealing with. They are OK to feel; they’re just feelings, not moral judgments; and they are not anybody’s job to fix.

Generally, there’s two basic things you want to hear from your family.

First: “Wow, I had no idea you were experiencing this. That must have been so difficult and lonely. These issues aren’t your fault, and I never should have blamed you for having a hard time doing things. I’m sorry. What can I do to help you now?”

Second: “I am so happy for you! You’ve had to work so hard just to get by, and now you know the reason. Now you can actually figure out how this works and how to have a life and be happy! This is amazing, we are so proud! Tell us how we can support you so you can have an awesome life!”

And then you tell them what you need, which often comes down to: “Right now I just need to be reassured that you still love me, and then I want to discuss this again once I’ve figured out what to ask for.”

It’s a hard adjustment for a family (or a couple, or whatever) to make. And it’s scary, for everyone.

But if everyone remembers to breathe a little, to not assume the worst, and try listen to each other – you can get through it. And it can turn out to be a really good thing.

Hi! Sorry to bother you, but I'm almost certain I have AVPD and I'd like to explain it to my parents, since they've gotten upset over symptoms of AVPD that I've expressed and I want to tell them why I act like that. But they don't really think that PDs are a thing that exists. so how could I explain it to them so that they understand? thank you in advance !!

Hi there anon!

Wow, there’s a lot to unpack here. The most important is probably:

What you want to accomplish by telling your parents

What your relationship with your parents is like

Would you mind sharing a bit more about the situation?

You can also look for ways to modify the situation to be more comfy for you! It doesn’t have to be the Scary Uncontrollable Situation you may be fearing.

If it’s a party at her house, maybe you can arrange to come early and help her clean, decorate, get snacks ready, etc. Then, even if you decide not to stay for the actual party, you get to hang out with her that day! And you have the opportunity to say happy birthday in person, give her a present, or whatever else you’d like to do.

More pros for getting there early: Would you feel more comfortable if you’re already relaxed in the environment, when the socializing begins? How about if you’re able to meet her guests one at a time as they arrive, rather than walking into a room full of strangers?

If she has any activities planned for during the party, you could also think about helping with those. (Sometimes I find it easier to interact with strangers if I’m Doing A Thing, and not just standing there being a person. “No need to pay attention to me … Pay attention to these drinks/gifts/kittens/goodies!”)

If the party is at a restaurant, where you’ll mostly be seated the whole time, see if you can plan to sit next to or across from her. That way, even if you just sit there quietly and don’t interact with anyone, you can still listen to her talk, laugh at her jokes, and be able to focus on the reason you DO want to be there – your friend!

And no matter what the conditions of the party are – if you go, you can give yourself a time limit, after which you can leave with zero guilt. (You don’t actually have to feel guilty for leaving at any time, but this is a lovely trick when your brain is disagreeing.)

Whether you’re there for 2 hours or 20 minutes, your friend will appreciate getting to see you on her special day =)

So I've been invited to the birthdayparty of my best (and obviously) only friend I have. I really want to go but I'm scared and I don't want to go. You know what I mean? I only know her and noone else. It's hard! When I think about it I wanna curl up to a ball in my bed and never leave it again.

This sounds tough. It is entirely up to you whether or not you want to go, and your friendship probably isn’t in the balance over this decision. I know this feels like the weight of the world, but sometimes it’s good to realize that your friend probably doesn’t feel that way, and if you decide not to go, she won’t hold it against you forever if you explain. And if you’re close, I’m sure that if you explain that you are anxious and unwell, she’ll understand.

An option to try and make up for not going to the party is to set up a date for the two of you to celebrate her birthday privately. That way she knows you care, and that it wasn’t personal that you decided not to go to her birthday party. 

But if you do go, there are options, too! You might not know anyone, but you do share a common factor of having the same friend. That can be enough leeway for conversation and interaction. You could also try to stick by your friend and interact through her, although she might be busy because it’s her party. I’m also sure there are other people who don’t know everyone. I can promise that you are never going to be the only person nervous about what other people at a party might think of you.

Whatever you decide, good luck! And I hope it works out and you have a good time with your friend.

- Shinji

Words aren't everything I swear- I'll die screaming this!!

"Sorry if I hurt you" the only thing that can make this insincere is the intention behind it. I promise you there are people who've learnt the art of saying the right thing without meaning any of it. It's not a manipulative tactic because let's face it sometimes we do things and we don't anticipate the outcome. I'm acknowledging that I hurt you even though that wasn't my intention. You've gotta see that.

What's manipulative is craftly wording apologies, or requests to throw people for a loop. What's manipulative is saying, "sorry that I hurt you" when you don't mean shit, you're not apologetic, you're just saying that to get back in someone's good graces.

I'll scream that till my face is blue. It doesn't mean you shouldn't be intentional with your words, I just need you to understand that even intentionally worded apologies will do you no good and this is where I agree with Nina if they don't take accountability and understand the impact of their actions.

When I say, "sorry if I hurt you, but-" what I mean is when I did said action hurting you wasn't my intention but now I know doing that hurt you and for that I am sorry. This is where I'm coming from. I didn't just set out to hurt you. And this shouldn't excuse repeat offenders, because they knew and still went ahead and did it. This is only for those out of the blue, once in a while times.

Sorry if I hurt you, but- I was triggered//I was having a bad day//you touched a sore spot//I didn't know this was a sore spot for you// I think it's important to also see where someone is coming from. What's important for me is intention. What's important is honesty. What's important is that you see that what you did hurt me and you avoid a repeat of it if we have a conversation about it. If you don't hold space for each other to be honest, true and vulnerable what's the use? What's the use of surface level apologies and communication because this is what you should say or this is how you should say what needs to be said?

In essence words will never be able to capture all that we're trying to convey.

"You can come if you want to," that offers me grace and space. It doesn't put pressure on me like, "I want you to come" because then there's not a lot of wiggle room for me when I want to back out. For some of y'all that spells doom, that they didn't want you there and if they wanted you there they would've said something along the lines of -

That's your interpretation. That's you reading between the lines. That's your comprehension of what they said. You can either ask for clarity or jump to your own conclusions.

I'll add more common phrases I've come across as I remember them.

I've been told I lack social skills 😂😂

the assurance "nobody is judging you" is straight up false... people ARE judging you and you have to find a way to be ok w it

Wait, so you said that you can learn to trust others by building friendships, but how does one go about doing that? Wouldn't someone I don't know be creeped out or annoyed if I suddenly walked up and started talking to them?

Friendships are built of repeated low-stakes interactions and returned bids for attention with slowly increasing intimacy over time.

It takes a long time to make friends as an adult. People will probably think you're weird if you just walk up and start talking to them as though you are already their friend (people think it's weird when I do this, I try not to do this) but people won't think it's weird if you're someone they've seen a few times who says "hey" and then gradually has more conversations (consisting of more words) with them.

I cheat at forming adult friendships by joining groups where people meet regularly. If you're part of a radio club that meets once a week and you just join up to talk about radios, eventually those will be your radio friends.

If there's a hiking meetup near you and you go regularly, you will eventually have hiking friends.

Deeper friendships are formed with people from those kinds of groups when you do things with them outside of the context of the original interaction; if you go camping with your radio friend, that person is probably more friend than acquaintance. If you go to the movies with a hiking friend who likes the same horror movies as you do, that is deepening the friendship.

In, like 2011 Large Bastard decided he wanted more friends to do stuff with so he started a local radio meetup. These people started as strangers who shared an interest. Now they are people who give each other rides after surgery and help each other move and have started businesses together and have gone on many radio-based camping trips and have worked on each other's cars.

Finding a meetup or starting a meetup is genuinely the cheat-code for making friends.

This is also how making friendships at schools works - you're around a group of people very regularly and eventually you get to know them better and you start figuring out who you get along with and you start spending more time with those people.

If you want to do this in the most fast and dramatic way possible, join a band.

In 2020 I wrote something of a primer on how to turn low-stakes interactions with neighbors and acquaintances into more meaningful relationships; check the notes of this post over the next couple days, I'll dig up the link and share it in a reblog.

How to do anything without being told/ordered to first?