Follow Your Passion: A Seamless Tumblr Journey
I come back here when things are hard. So in spite of previous posts, please believe me when i say,
things have been better.
I’ve always said things do get better. And I’ve always been right about that. You know, he’s repeated those words to me. That brought a smile to my face. And I am still right.
I’m thinking of the nights when I used to break apart in my bed. A pain in my heart so palpable it scarred my skin. And then days passed. Years even. And the wounds healed and the days were bright and I found happiness again.
I haven’t felt pain like that again. And I don’t think I ever could. I know too deeply that I am beautiful and loved, for that ache to return.
It does get better.
Always.
~
However, I still get tired. And frightened. And sad. Right now I feel that.
The world feels like it crumbles beneath my fingertips. I believe in love. In safety. And my assurances fall away like dry sand. Every day scrapes by like a wounded soldier, dragging himself home.
I apologize for being so dramatic, to you the empty void. I’ve been missing love for so long.
And It’s always felt too good for me.
You know, in church we used to sing hymns? Horrible things. Monotone and droning. And there they’d weave their messages for me. A wretch they sang, working my mouth with needle and string. Sewing words in hungry earth, that blossomed into an endless fear.
A wretch. That I was not good enough for any type of love, except for love from a being you can not see, can not hear, and can not touch.
And my fear grows. Am I loved?
Am I loved? Am I loved? Am I loved? Am I loved? Am I loved? AmIlovedamilovedamilovedamiloved oh please god let me be loved.
Marriage in general is fucked in the middle east..
I hate hate HATE living in a country where girls being married off at 15 is seen as something to be envious of.. is seen as something to be admired for..for fuck sakes! That's a fucking child!! I remember a classmate talking about i think a cousin of hers who's 15 who's married to a 29/30 year old man and how MUCH he LOVES her and how everyday he does her FUCKING HAIR FOR FUCKING SCHOOL!!!!
i saw a video of a 26 year old mother selling food on the street to make money and the top comment on that video was a man (sincerely) offering to marry her and he had like 100 replies of people asking him if he did it already and praising him for it..
And you know what's annoying is when i try to point out how fucked up those things are.. I'm almost always in the minority, I'm almost always argued against and people try to justify something like this by being like "this is our culture"....
fuck this culture and religion because you know damn well this shit is rooted in religion.. girls married off when they hit puberty to men twice their age is seen as an accomplishment.. men being encouraged to grace widows and divorced women with their kindness and marry them like they're broken or used (even if it meant getting a second, third or a fourth wife)...
And i know to most people reading this shit it sounds like I'm making it up but I'm not and you have no idea how much i wish i was..
My whole life, I've been told Lying is a sin to God But He can see right through your soul Something you cannot control
So why should I not lie When what happens once I die Is He judges and proclaims Who will burn in Hell's flames
And the Judgement he gives out Is fair and just, that I don't doubt But anything I've left unsaid Be it bad, or harsh, or well Before Him all will spread And I'll have nothing left to mell
So, if He sees all that untold All restrained lies now unfold Will it matter I kept it in That I caged it all within?
Pastors answer me with no Parents claim they do not know Friends toy around the issue Strangers often hand me a tissue
Wiping the shame right off my face I adopt an even pace Trying hard to hide the truth Of mistakes in my long lost youth Made in spontaneous reaction Once I felt my first attraction
She was like the sun's first rays And as if I was blind for days She enlightened me a path And that's when I met Cath
Short for Catherine, her name Sounded too holy for this plane She blessed my days with light and grace She took me in her sweet embrace
And that is when the lying started As I answered when prompted That we were only ever friends And that's as long as our relationship extends.
But Cath was tired of lying And one day, when she was crying She drew a line between us two She flew away for someplace new
I lost her
I lost myself
I lost my faith
I lost my light
I lost my truth
I lost my lies
I lost myself within my lies And I lost her within my truth
But how could I hold onto all When my body's so small All the feelings, thoughts contained Day by day all that I reined Would sometime all combust And that would've been the worst
But that day had come It was gone and left me numb To the feelings of regret That I blunted with a cigarette And now I lay awake at night Trying to discern what is right And I come to the same conclusion That only births in me confusion
Why did I hurt the one I love How could I hunt down a dove Why hide such a common action As the one that's called attraction Beneath a veil of lies That God himself despises?
Our Father who art in heaven, hallowed be thy name.
The king of the clouds, When will you come down, & help me confront this screaming town, Without you, I will not be staying around.
Thy kingdom come.
“Thy kingdom has no end”, Yet it has never arrived. So when I asked you this & I will persist, Why have you forsaken me & left me deprived?
Thy will be done on earth as it is in heaven.
You’ve commanded to ‘love thy fellow man’, Yet you leave us to our own self-constructed demises. So tell me, how are You in control of this grand plan? Because man is greed and holds the mighty pen of fate, & with that, only trouble can arise.
Give us this day our daily bread, and forgive us our tresspasses, as we forgive those who trespass against us and lead us not into temptation, but deliver us from evil.
Almighty and omnipotent Deity, Relinquish Your facade, Show the true power of the Holy Trinity! For I know You have heard my calls in the night, Hearing the wails of destress and strife, I feel as though you mock me through loneliness, out of spite. For God, Why have you let people stray?Why have you let me and my faith wither away?
For thine is the kingdom and the power, and the glory, forever and ever.
Deep down within my soul, Past the cracks and broken bones, I have a heart that remains whole, Despite all of the wounds from the sticks and stones. For I know that man has good, Though it is rather unrefined, To show tender love of brotherhood:
To all of mankind.
Amen.
<3 Lavender Grey