Not Love - Blog Posts

So there's this dude I've been friends with. Well, not anymore, he straight-out went mute and blocked me a week or two ago. I kinda have a feeling why, but he didn't explain it to me since... you know... he didn't type a word to me.

Besides all the mindfuckery and madness this caused, the biggest problem to me is that I think I might be in love with him. I'm not sure if this is what you call it.

He made me want to be better, I want to move in together with him ever since we brought it up and he was like 'ye sure why not', even more after he visited me... I keep on being reminded of him, I keep on wanting to talk to him, get to know his beloveds and all...

I hope I'm just confused again, like before.

.・꙳・.✭.・♡˚✦𓂃☆.•・.

Punishment with silence

He doesn't reply to messages. He pretends not to hear you. He is silent, although he knows you are waiting for a word.

・❥・♡・❥・

This is not ordinary silence. This is not a need for solitude. This is not a moment to think.

・❥・♡・❥・

This is a weapon. Precise and aimed straight at you. Causing pain without leaving a mark. Hurting without touching. Punishment with silence. A sophisticated method of control. A way to break your spirit. A technique that makes you beg for attention.

・❥・♡・❥・

And this person? They are just waiting. Waiting for you to break. Waiting for you to be ready for anything. Waiting for you to understand "your guilt".

・❥・♡・❥・

This is not love. This is not care. This is not even a bad mood. This is emotional abuse. Silent. Subtle. Devastating. No shouting. No hitting. No brawls. And yet it leaves scars on the soul.

・❥・♡・❥・

You need to know this: Real partners talk. Real friends explain. Real loved ones do not use silence as punishment. You are not guilty of someone else's silence. You are not responsible for someone else's game. You don't have to beg for the attention of someone who deliberately ignores you.

・❥・♡・❥・

You deserve a relationship based on respect. You deserve a relationship in which silence is peace, not a weapon. You deserve someone who sees you as a human being even in conflict.

・❥・♡・❥・

Remember: Silence is golden only when someone does not use it as a weapon.

~ R. Wicijowski

I write so much about ugly past relationships but you, you were something entirely different. what role I did I play in our pathetic little love scene, honey? was I the main love interest, or just an extra in your miserable play?

all those bus rides at night, sharing earphones and listening to pop punk, my head on your shoulder whilst I ignored the missed calls from my parents. it was so naive, all of it. so empty. the fairytale with a thousand plot holes: the unavailable prince, midnight but still in tattered boots and ripped jeans, no fireworks, no true love’s kiss. just pain. just so much pain.

you were so shallow and insincere, talking about some girl whilst your hand was on my knee. kissing me in the back so your friends wouldn’t see, saying that she was boring and I was just, so different. I knew it was just a line, a lie, but god, was I willing to play the role of the girl who’d change you.

all those nights spent holding your hair back as you threw up vodka and pills. all those days spent lying in the sun as you came down, trying to convince you that life was worth living. all those aching, violent emotions and clenched fists. no softness. a love like sandpaper, a love like drowning, a love like violence.

tousling my hair and spinning like a ballerina, dizzy and worn out but used to the merry go round. a puppet to play with when you grew bored. your manic pixie dream girl, directing your love story. your manic pixie dream girl, teaching you how to live. your manic pixie dream girl, banished from your life as soon as you didn’t need her.