I'm Worthless - Blog Posts

I was... Familiar with the grief box? There's a box in your head for the horror you've been through. In each box there's a button and a bouncing ball. When the ball hits the button you get to feel grief and pain. Over time the ball shrinks, but never goes away.

It's not like I was abandoned this time. But it looks like a duck in the distance, and stinks of a duck, but is walking only a little like a duck. Maybe I won't be fully abandoned this time.

I'm just not strong enough. I wrote my first draft of my note. I usually feel a little better after doing that. It's weird, I know. This time it felt different. It's a good thing my state has real good gun control. Too bad there's other ways.

I'm not allowed to be fulfilled. Not allowed to be happy. I am allowed grief and trauma. Parents made sure of that.

Not like I have a future. I barely have a present. You should read Midnight Nation. I think if it wasn't for one person I would have slipped through to that side.

Nobody cares. Nobody. Why would they? They have good lives. I'm stuck. They have all moved on. I'm stuck. That's a good way of putting it, but like most quick phrases it misses nuance.

I'm in the back of a concrete mixing truck. If I stop moving, stop the drum from spinning, the concrete will get hard and I'll die. If I try to get out, the concrete will get hard and I'll die. So I'm alone walking in that drum. Nobody to talk to. Nobody to care. Why would they? I'm not even sure I'm human.

-C

I just... Hate myself so much. It bleeds onto the things around me. Today was hard. Much harder than it needed to be. I'm not meant to be loved. The attention and affection i do get is not only alien, but feels like the universe teasing me. I know it won't go anywhere beside that fleeting moment. But fuck me. I want to die. Kill me. I'm never going to figure this out. I'm never going to be given a chance. I'm not built for me. What a sentence that is. Just let me die.

I stood up and defended a friend from a weird situation on the street the other day. The group was amazed. The trick is hoping to lose. The trick is wanting the end..

I'm in my epilogue and the universe won't let me even think of trying anything else. No new stories. No new connections. No nothing.

This has been a rough year, in a rough life. I make light of it, but I really do feel like I'm living my epilogue. The plot threads were taken care of. Life isn't really giving me any new ones. I'm ready to die.

I've been joking, mostly to myself, that I'm a ghost. I don't really exist. When I go there will be no proof I existed, just some people talking about collective hallucinations.

came out swinging - the wonder years

I'm a skilled individual. I am engaging, intelligent and even a little charismatic.

What I'm not is lucky. Rolling the dice a lot and getting a couple wins is not the same as getting those two wins on two rolls.

There are things I'm not going to do in this life. There are a great many things that life will make sure is just up that hill. Call me Sisyphus.

I don't know how to not try. It hurts when I do. It hurts when I don't.

Other people certain things just fall in there lap.

Yes I'm jealous. I want to have fun. I want love. I wish the universe was just indifferent to me instead of against me.

I know it's bad when I'm staring off into nothing, just letting YouTube or whatever keep playing and I waste a day and notice it's still early. I just want it to be over.

My sister posted some screen shots of a text conversation between her and our dad. On the surface it was a cool conversation about all the concerts he brought her too when she was younger.

Any guesses on how many be brought me to? Big ol' zero. It's weird how I'm constantly sharing music with people and asking for new music that people to this day think that music doesn't play a big part in my life. It's strange.

Instead my dad always belittled the things I liked and invalidated my emotions.

I think I was twenty two when my dad and I got into a huge fight. I told him this would be the last time I apologized for being me and told him I'm sorry that I'm not the son he wanted. That was over a decade ago. If we talk, it quickly turns back into that fight. He can't control himself and refuses to try. So we don't have much of a relationship.

I talk to my blood probably twice a year. It's usually my sister. Our relationship is weird. I love her but I can't trust her. Play shitty games get shitty responses. I will not have my civility weaponize against me.

Our incubator was abusive to us. Literally kicked me out of the house on Christmas. Fucking hallmark moment right there.

People wonder why I either come off reserved or like Gomez Addams. I'm watching you or I'm being the adult I need as a child.

All of this makes the holidays particularly isolating. Usually there's a friendsgiving, but one of those people went way over the line and I warned him when he crossed it. Tried to give him an out. He kept going. I told him to stop. Then was suprised when I called him on his shit and I lost two friends from that. Him and one other. I kept two other friends from that group. I should put context that they were my found family. This issue I think I posted about awhile ago....

Anyway. Then. Over the summer an amazing woman pursued me and when I told her I was on board ghosted me for weeks. We talked and got caught up. She told me she couldn't be in a relationship with me for the dumbest fucking reasons. When someone show's you who they are, believe them. Wanted to stay friends. I texted a couple times. Still waiting for a response from.. September I think. Lol.

In summary, I'm an unlovable person and each time I try it gets harder. I'm already aware I'm never getting married. I get it, it's ok. I would like to not have an empty funeral if you get what I'm saying. And more to the point I hate the holidays because of how isolating it is. Covid already makes things hard. Then.. Yeah. Fuck me.

I'm in my epilogue just waiting for the last page.

I feel like this person most the time. Alone, moving different than everyone else. I have perspective on everyone, but incapable of joining.

If someone were you give me a hug. I feel like I'm already a ghost. Live or dead wouldn't really change anything.