But We're Here Now - Blog Posts

dearlyread

1 year ago

I feel like I need to talk about the elephant in the room. Me about me. Narcissism at it's finest.

I'm genderfluid, I'm not always sure what I am most of the time. Sometimes something just feels wrong. Sometimes I know right away, gold star for that. Sometimes something is just so wrong that I can't breathe in my skin right anymore. A lot of the times, it's not that people use a certain term of endearment, it's that I've asked them not to use it- it's a betrayal. It feels like they overcompensate, trying to bring back someone I'm not but who they think I am. Gender shouldn't matter, but unfortunately, it feels like it does to me about my own identity. I know I'm genderfluid, I never felt like I could pin point whether I was a boy or a girl growing up, wanting to be one of the macho boys and then texting back and forth about my girl friends' crushes. I'm my own villain when I think that I'm just looking for attention when I'm looking for acceptance.

I've never been one thing, I feel like there are dimensions to me that aren't solid to be my first and foremost personality. It kind of makes me feel like sand, shaped by its environment, changing when dry but exposed to water, lightning and cement, for the lack of a good analogy. In some cases in that analogy, being sand hurts. I can change inside, but outside? I can only do so much to feel at home in my body. I chase drastic changes, clothes, piercings, tattoos, hair dye, scissors, the electric razor. Now something that is going to make everything I've gone through more real, more scary, but I don't think I can be happy without it. And when it doesn't suit anyone's view of me, I'm completely alone.