Bad Movies - Blog Posts

I like to watch bad low-budget movies, and I found the film monsters (1993) (Russian). They use live action footage of small animals as the "monsters". As a rat owner, I find it hilarious how they try to make the rats look threatening. (No animals were actually harmed in filming)

Heart Eyes Misses the Mark

Heart Eyes (2025) directed by Josh Ruben

2/7/25 

*No Spoilers*

Horror movies are hard to make, the hardest being slasher flicks, because everyone has seen at least one in their lifetime. It’s easy to fall into the same tempo that other slasher flicks have, but what breaks my heart is when a slasher takes a unique concept and squanders it. Heart Eyes, directed by Josh Ruben, is a great example of this. 

I usually know when I won’t like a movie, I get a tingling sensation in my gut and I know I’m in for a bad time. The concept of the movie sounded interesting to me, a serial killer who targets couples on Valentine’s Day stalks enemies-to-lovers coworkers who must work together to survive. That is an interesting premise, but the execution was bland and unoriginal. 

The movie centers around Ally (Olivia Holt) and Jay (Mason Gooding), coworkers tasked with nullifying a company PR crisis on Valentine’s Day. However, when they’re mistaken for a couple by the Heart Eyes Killer, their night spirals out of control, leading to death and mayhem. 

I was hopeful during the first few minutes of the film. What I was hoping for was a darkly macabre critique on dating culture, as the opening sequence of the film made me chortle from the goofy actions of the characters who were soon slaughtered. It was a humorous sequence, but also heavy-handed and blunt with it’s jokes. This brand of humor tainted the movie, making it borderline unwatchable. I would’ve been fine with constant tongue-in-cheek jokes if they were good. But they weren’t good, none of them were, and it ruined my viewing experience. While watching this film, there were several middle-grade children in the audience and I noticed they were the only ones laughing at the ‘funny’ parts of the movie. It tried so hard to be quirky and funny, almost like a black comedy, but it wasn’t a black comedy, it was a mediocre slasher film with terrible jokes written by older folks for a younger audience. 

There was a scene that I would’ve really loved, an emotional scene where Jay and Ally’s characters were finally opening up to each other, and it would’ve been the best scene in the movie, except the entirety of it is overshadowed by the violent sex noises of the couple behind them. It would’ve been fine if you could faintly hear the couple’s moaning, but the sound guys pulled out all the stops with wet clapping sounds, sometimes louder than the actor’s themselves. Imagine the scene from Titanic where Jack dies, now picture the same scene with aggressively loud porn playing in the background. It wouldn’t surprise me if Holt and Gooding did this scene not knowing what was going to be plugged in the background, then saw the end result at the screening and were mortified. The only good scene in the entire movie was ruined by this film’s stupid juvenile humor. I love a good joke, especially raunchy ones, but this film has no idea what it wants to be. Is it a black comedy, or is it a horror film? It can’t make up it’s mind. 

You can always tell when a white person is writing a black character, you can always tell when a man is writing a female character, and you can always tell when people over the age of fifty are writing characters under the age of thirty. There were so many brainrot sentences in this film that my brain was slowly growing numb from the viewing experience. Phrases such as incel, beta, troll, sugar daddy, love language, algorithm, and shooting my shot were all used, and they were all used in a clumsy way, as if the writers weren’t used to the crazy slang the kids of today use. One character even used the sentence “incel-beta-troll” to describe the killer. It was all so painful to watch. After watching the movie, I checked to see what else the writers worked on and it did not surprise me to learn the writers behind Heart Eyes were the same masterminds who constructed Freaky (2020) and Happy Death Day 2U (2019). 

The protagonists and the killer are both extremely dumb. There are points in this movie where both Jay and Ally have a clear shot to kill Heart Eyes and they don’t pull the trigger. Even when they do, they wound him in some arbitrary place that doesn’t stop him from hurting others. Likewise, the killer has several opportunities to kill the two and blows it everytime. The killer goes from being a spectacular marksman, one who can nail a target from fifty feet away, and seconds later he can hardly hit Ally at all. Those who watched the movie might argue that the plot twist (if you can even call it that) explained this discrepancy, but it doesn’t and I would be happy to argue about it in my DMs. 

Also, I predicted who the killer was in the first twenty minutes. I also predicted the plot twist and neither of them were shocking at all. Not to mention the killer’s motivations are so vague and stupid I was angry by the time the credits rolled. 

What saddens me is that Olivia Holt and Mason Gooding are good actors, they’re a big part of the reason why I saw the movie in the first place. Their acting was a highlight of the movie. They weren’t god tier, but they were good, and getting someone to care about a two-dimensional character is hard. Holt and Gooding took two flat characters and enhanced them and that’s something I can appreciate. My only hope is that this movie does well at the box office and the two of them can move on to more apt rolls that are better suited for their talents. 

Another aspect of the movie I enjoyed was the fight scenes. They felt quick and fluid, which I enjoyed. That’s pretty much all there is to say about this disappointment of a movie. If you’re planning a Valentine’s date night go watch Companion instead. This movie is not worth your time. 

Final Grade: D

Rick Stepp (irresponsibleink@gmail.com)

Zombeavers

ZOM…BEAVERS!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Somewhat sadly this is not as really a campy lesbian adult entertainment zombie parody. At times it’d probably help the movie, but we are left with a horror comedy that does manage to deliver on its own still.

My original post: Zombeavers

I found a movie that looks like Harry potter but with talking dogs it's called the wizard of paws and this is my initial reaction completely unedited and also one hundred percent done with voice to talk because i'm lazy.

Evil, bad guy looks like stereotypical evil bad guy, no, really. The first scene is like 2 guys running around one in white and huddled over himself and the other guy all in black with greasy hair and half looking like a bad rip-off of Johnny Depp. But worse and living out of a trailer park yet somehow trying to look rich, just goes running after him while exploding trees, but if b. Really bad cgi, so the tree just kind of disappears.After he points a stick at it

This movie feels like it was made in nineteen 1999 with a budget in the negative

The script is so bad and forced It's almost funny

I had to look it up so I hit pause.But this movie is from 2014!!

The dog has yet to talk

The script makes it feel like this was written by a 10-year-old no, seriously, this moved. You feels half like someone's student film or like. Oh a family movie that somehow had special effects. But the special effectsIf it's a real movie kind of feel like, oh, you can tell whoever whatever production studio made this was just really poor

The dog is really cute.Ten out of ten would recommend specifically for ozzy, the dog

A third of a way through the movie and the main character finally has both a personality and emotions. Unlike the rest of the cast

THE DOG TALKS!

The child is now officially readable, he finds out he can use magic and just does it for his chores.

The small child bully looks like spike from christmas with the cranks.Except in like a black wife, beater with stains all over somehow

Dead good magician is very cryptic and half talks and riddles, but answers, no questions

Wait a second is only halfway through the movie. And the main character is not even half way through the movie, and the main character is already fighting up against the big bad guy and whitney.What?It's not even halfway through the movie.What do you mean

Mister tiny becoming tiny, is not my favorite

✨️Prestigitation✨️

There's an entire talentro arc, and that's fine, but I was not expecting the bully to have like two seconds of screenshot ing on screen or for it to immediately switch over to kids doing the cup song

Screw tinyThe dog does sarcasm.This is now my favorite

DOGGOS

Oh my godIs there a love story in here?These kids are like ten

There is no god stop it.Please let this just be a pure friendship.Friendship be this friendship

Why are ninety percent of the interactions in this movie?People being ablist to the fact that the main character is a service dog

Oh my god emotions, emotions, no, get away from me

¿¿¿¿Frog?????

Is the maiden? Is the main premise of this movie that the kid does magic at? Talentros, but is real magic. And has talking dog. What is this movie?

This movie with magic and a talking dog that is also magic is about a child. Entering a large talent show to win money, so they aren't evicted.

This movie with a talking dog, it's about a child going to a teletrow to save his house

Nevermind, maybe evil magician shows up at a talent show will update.

No don't leave whack a mole the child

BIG DOGGO

~the magic school busss~

Anti drunk driving psa ( is talking down the drunk driver? What's going to save his dad? No, no Sam was killed by evil magician, not drunk drivers. They explicitly showed evil magician.)

"The magic may be gone but the magic was inside you all along"

No no no you see the magic is dog

I was coming in second place in a talent show magic your dad back alive. There's only six more minutes they're not going to explain that

Never mind, they spend the next 6 minutes describing how him time-traveling and drawing talking down a drunk driver is. In fact, what saved his dad? It just took nothing another half of the movie for that, to process and the timeline. And it actually to work