Fun Fact: The Musician Who Sang “Puberty Love” In Attack Of The Killer Tomatoes Was Inducted Into

Griflet-centric Reincarnation AU following Mort Artu canon

Griflet remembers bits and pieces of his past life, mostly from Camlann, so he starts doing surface-level research on Arthuriana. Since he's the one to throw the sword in the lake in Mort Artu but Bedivere is best known for it, he becomes convinced that he's the reincarnation of Sir Bedivere.

There are two outcomes which immediately come to mind. One is that he runs into other Arthurian reincarnations. In this case, he might vastly confuse everyone, particularly if Bedivere shows up too. They might even think he's an imposter. However, they might remember who he actually was and have a laugh about the whole thing.

The other is that he never tells anyone, or only tells the people he's closest to, because he doesn't think anyone will believe him. He goes about the rest of his life secretly thinking he's Bedivere. It impacts nothing substantial, though from time to time he makes references which confuse the people around him and he's always kind of worried something will happen to his hand.

It's a rare day that I'll go to bat for Uther, but...

--"The Death-Song of Uther Pendragon"

...there is compelling evidence that he knows what a rock is.

Really, it would probably be better for everyone if he became a geologist. Better yet, since he says he's a skilled poet and harper, he should have been a bard.

Arthurian characters ranked by how good a geologist I think they'd be:

Uther. There is no evidence he knows what a rock is. 0/10

Gawain. Could probably swing a rock hammer pretty hard, but has a history of not disclosing outside funding. 2/10

Bedivere. Likely has some experience in studying geography when making battle plans. 3/10

Arthur. He touched a rock once. He also has a decent amount of patience and strategy skill from being a king. 4.5/10

Lancelot. Good at getting lost in the woods, but I think he would forget to label his samples. 4.5/10

Tristan. He jumped off a cliff and survived once, which is a very geologist thing to do. 5/10

Merlin. Apparently very good at putting swords in stones, which means he knows what rocks are. Points off for getting trapped in a cave. 6/10

Morgan le Fay. Has experience in employing the scientific method through her attempts to murder Arthur, and is generally a very learned woman. 9/10

Palomides. Knows that the Earth is round, and is good at finding things in the wilderness. He cried by a well once, thereby demonstrating his knowledge of groundwater systems. 10/10

When you realize that Tristan, Iseult, Dinadan, Palamedes, and Mark are basically the stock cast of a sitcom…

Metaruu’s Headcanon Ask Game

Send in a character or characters and an icon and I’ll give you…

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😶 A random headcanon!

A post of mine from several months ago about the Perlesvaus self-rearranging forest just wandered across my dash again and made me think about it some more, so I wanted to talk about it a bit.

Perlesvaus, for those who don’t know, is a 13th-century French Arthurian romance. It’s intended to be a continuation of Chretien de Troyes’s Perceval, but it’s mostly known for being completely batshit when it’s known at all. (There’s an old book on Arthurian texts that dedicates a chapter to Perlesvaus and repeatedly speculates that the anonymous author had Something Wrong With Him. This is the longest scholarly treatment of Perlesvaus I’ve been able to find & read.)

Anyway, there’s an odd worldbuilding detail in the text. See, it’s a Thing in chivalric romances that the questing knights happen upon castles & lords & damsels & such that are unfamiliar to them and have to be explained. You know, “this is the Castle of Such-and-Such, where the local custom is as follows. It’s ruled by Lady So-and-So, whose character I shall now describe to you.”

This is a genre convention that largely goes unquestioned, but it’s a bit odd if you think about it. All these knights are at least minor nobility. They don’t know the other nobles in their region? They don’t know what castles are where? Don’t they have, like, diplomatic relations with these people or at least attend the same tournaments? Even if they’re all fully committed to the knight-errant lifestyle and don’t really engage in courtly diplomacy, you’d think they would share information with each other and get the lay of the land. But instead, to use TTRPG terminology, it’s like they’re all on a hexcrawl that was randomly generated just for them to have these adventures.

The author of Perlesvaus decides to address this. In what’s kind of a throwaway paragraph late in the text, he explains that God moves things around so knights always have new quests to do (and, presumably, is also making sure they always arrive at the right narratively-significant moment). So the reason they’re always encountering people & places they have no knowledge of is because those people & places really weren’t there yesterday. They didn’t know about the Castle of Such-and-Such because it’s normally a thousand miles away and the forest path they followed to get there used to lead somewhere else.

And I think that would be a really interesting thing to stick into a novel or a TTRPG or something. When a knight rides into the forest with the intent of Going On A Quest, at some point they go around a bend in the path, cross an invisible barrier, and wind up in the Forest of Narrative. This is a vast forest with no set geography, filled with winding paths and populated almost entirely with questing knights, damsels in search of questing knights, friendly hermits, strange creatures, and allegorical set-pieces. Then, at the narratively-appropriate time, they cross back over the invisible barrier back into the regular world, and find themselves wherever the Narrative has decided they need to be. This could be a different country, a different continent, or a different world entirely.

Whether anyone involved is actually aware that this is how it works is… optional, really. Though if it’s not a Known Phenomenon, the people whose jobs it is to handle trade & diplomacy & god forbid, maps, are going to end up tearing their hair out in frustration.

Veronica Whall’s stained glass depiction of Galahad ascending, with Bors, the Grail Maiden, and eight angels, from King Arthur’s Great Halls at Tintagel

The knights as YouTube comments, No. 1

I can’t decide which knight is saying this, but it explains a lot.

( A comment on “i accidentally read the worst book of the year so far” by The Book Leo, beginning with a quote from the video)

Edit: Never mind. Knights kiss all the time in some texts. Most of the Arthurian texts I’ve read are weird and random (Gawain plays tennis, Galahad gets married, Guinevere’s mother’s ghost issues prophecies of doom…) and gave the impression that being turned into a murder-dog was more common than physical affection.

arthurian characters tier list... I feel like I forgot someone

(tier list here)

In The White Goddess, Robert Graves quotes an old Irish triad as saying, “It is death to mock a poet, to love a poet, to be a poet”. As a source of information, Robert Graves is slightly more reliable than Sir Breuse Sans Pitie, and while I’ve seen references to this triad elsewhere, I can’t find an original source for it. Regardless of that, I rather like it.

(From Athletics and Manly Sport by John Boyle O'Reilly)

Words to live by: Fear Celtic Poets

I once saw a crossover between BBC Merlin and The Hitchhiker’s Guide to the Galaxy, presumably based around the fact that both have characters named Arthur. It worked well—there are more overlaps—but in general it seems like bad policy. If we keep on mashing up television shows with classic literature based on names, sooner or later, the world will end up with Gilligan’s Wake, and what will we all do then?