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Been reading ur blog. U need to stop calling urself a dom. All this lovey crap makes real doms sick. A sub is not for respecting and loving. A sub is for using and thats what they like. Its fine that u love ur girl, just dont call urself a dom. Real doms show dominance, use there sub and leave her laying like the cunt slut she is. Bein all sweet, and all that does is give her power over u, which makes u not a dom.

Hi there, Anon. I almost didn’t even dignify this with a response, but I think you’ve actually given me a good opportunity to say something that new doms need to know, so kudos to you. 

First and foremost, let’s establish something right here and now: You don’t get to tell me what I am, and you are damn sure not the leading authority on what does and does not constitute a dominant. For the record, I didn’t wake up one day and decide to be a dom. I never even thought of myself that way until I met belovedsangi 10 years ago. I always had the characteristics of a dom, sure, but I didn’t ever put that title on myself. That title was given to me by my submissive. SHE is the one who wanted to call me Master, and Sir, and sometimes Daddy. I never told her to do these things. But of course, you probably think I am making my point for you and that if I were a REAL domly dom, I would’ve demanded those things. 

And that’s where you have a fundamental issue understanding the meaning of the title. So let me help you with that. 

A dom does not demand respect. He conducts himself in such a way as to be worthy of respect. 

A dom does not bark commands. His presence is such that he can seduce and command with nothing more than a glance. 

A dom does not raise his voice. He is the kind of man who gets what he wants without needing to. 

A dom is not a braggart. He is possessed of a calm, quiet confidence that is evident in his demeanor, the way he walks, the tone of his voice, and all other aspects of him. 

A dom understands balance. He knows that while a firm hand and discipline are critical in this type of relationship, knowing when to be gentle and understanding is every bit as important. 

A dom is a gentleman first and foremost. That doesn’t necessarily mean that he is a fancy man who values the finer things in life, but he does understand manners and protocol. He opens the car door for her. He orders for her if she is having trouble deciding. He treats strangers with courtesy and respect. 

A dom is a protector. He makes sure that his submissive feels safe and protected at all times. This means so much more than just telling her you will protect her. A dom shows her. He keeps a hand on her shoulder or on her waist in crowds so she doesn’t get nervous. He sleeps on the side of the bed closest to the door so that he is always between his submissive and an intruder. He walks on the side of the sidewalk closest to the street so that an errant vehicle will hit him before his submissive. If anything or anyone should threaten his submissive, he must be prepared to fight for her with the ferocity of an alpha wolf. 

A dom earns her submission. It is not a thing to be demanded, expected, or assumed. And he continues to earn it, each and every day.  

A dom values her submission. Fully submitting your will and trusting your body and well-being to someone takes a kind of strength most can’t imagine, and a dom never loses sight of that. 

A dom understands that being a dominant is 10% privilege and 90% responsibility. He is literally taking her life into his hands. He is accepting the most sacred and important thing she has to give. He is taking her burdens and bearing them as his own, always, every day. 

A dom is consistent. He understands that he can’t just be her protector, lover, confidant, master, etc. when he feels like it. There will be days when a dom is tired. There will be days when he is stressed. There will be days when he is broken. On those days, it is more important than ever for a dom to show his submissive that he is still everything she needs him to be. 

So what does it mean, then, to be a dom? I get the feeling that you, anon, would say that it’s all about making her kneel, having your way with her, shouting orders and using her. Helpful hint: Any jackass can buy himself a whip and bark commands. That’s not a dom. Don’t get me wrong, I do absolutely have my way with belovedsangi. I love it when she kneels. I love the kinky, rough, mind-blowing sex we have. I love to dominate her in the bedroom. But for every moment of that, there are a hundred moments of holding her, of talking to her, laughing with her, gaming with her. There are a hundred moments of making her feel safe when she is afraid, giving her confidence when she is unsure, comforting her when she feels troubled. Those are all things that a dominant does too. 

I love my submissive more than I love oxygen. I love my submissive with a fire that can never be extinguished. I value her and respect her in every way. I treat her like a queen and fuck her like a slave. These things don’t make me weak. They don’t make me less of a dominant. These things make me stronger than you can possibly imagine. There is nothing quite so formidable as a dominant who has found the perfect submissive to fuel his fire. Never will you see anyone love so strongly or fight so fiercely. 

Bottom line, Anon, is this: you sound like a boy playing at being a man. You decided one day that you were sick of women having willpower and a voice of their own, so you decided to call yourself a dominant and seek out some weak-willed submissive who wouldn’t talk back to you or stick up for herself. You are not a dom. You are a jackass with a whip. Classic case of toodomforyou.

helpless

For all of those who asked for how to spank quietly!

SF’s Guide to Safewords

Safewords are a very important aspect of BDSM. A safeword is a word (or phrase) that lets your partner know that you need to stop the scene. This practice is used in most BDSM dynamics ,especially where words like “no” or “stop” aren’t said with intent to end the scene. For example, a submissive may jokingly plead, “no” during a spanking, even though they want to continue and aren’t in any real danger. In this case, a safeword can be used to let the Dominant know when the submissive really wants to stop instead of when they say “no” or “stop”. 

It’s important to only use your safeword when you need it, and to use it every time you need.

Not everyone who uses safewords has ruled out “no” or “stop” as words that mean they’ve had enough, so always be clear with your partner(s) when choosing a safeword by saying, “I want you to only stop when I say the safeword” or “I want you to listen for any request to stop including the safeword.” Either method is fine—it all depends on the type of scene and what works best for you and your partner(s). Some people specifically have a safeword, but also want their partner(s) to respect refusals during the scene, and that needs to be upheld.

So, what words can we use as safewords? Really, anything! But for the sake of safety, I recommend choosing something that follows these guidelines:

Make your safeword easy to remember.

Don’t choose something in a language you don’t speak.

Keep safewords short.

Use something that you wouldn’t normally say during a scene. 

A great example of a safeword is the traffic light system. In this example, there are three words, as opposed to one. Each word means a different thing.

Green: “Everything is okay, keep going!”

Yellow: “Slow down or change activities.”

Red: “Stop the scene immediately!”

When using this system or others like it, one partner is able to check in with another at any point. One could simply ask, “What’s your color?” if they wanted to check in, and could be provided with an answer very easily.

Some people just use one safeword, and that works for them. In that case, you can use anything you want in order to establish that you want to end the scene. No matter what you use, just be sure it gets the point across that you want to stop.

Having and using your safeword is very important, especially in dynamics that agree to ignore words like “no” and “stop”. Playing without a safeword is very dangerous. If your partner suggests you play without a safeword, I suggest you find a new partner. It it a huge red flag if your partner tries to pressure you to play without safewords. Even if you think you know your partner well enough to know what you can take, you need to explain to them that accidents happen and sometimes you need a quick and easy way to end the scene to communicate problems. You should always use a safeword or keep words like “no” and “stop” as safewords.

If someone is gagged, use something non-verbal as a safeword. I dated someone very prone to seizures who was unable to verbalize her needs just before a seizure, so I taught her the sign for “stop” in American Sign Language and we used this and other hand signals as her safeword in case she went non-verbal.

Other example can include options where the person is also bound:

Ringing a bell in their hand.

Throwing a bouncy ball..

Squeaking a squeak toy.

Honking a horn.

Using the buzzer from a board game.

Shaking of the head.

These can be used in place of a safeword for those who wish to have a visual or non-verbal audio signal instead. These can also be used in combination with verbal safewords.

Keep in mind that aftercare is required after a partner safewords, since safewording often happens directly after a person has experienced pain or an emotional trigger. It is very important to provide aftercare to your partner every time they safeword and to check in extensively if you begin the scene again. If you need to know more about aftercare, check out my guide here. Also, keep in mind that Dominants should safeword when they need it, too—it’s not just for submissives! Everyone is only human, and we all have limits. Be sure to use your agreed-upon safeword to keep play safe for everyone!

xx SF

Roleplay Guide 021: Dominance & The Dominant (Character Guide)

A look into the world of domination 101. I will briefly discuss what dominance is, caring for submissives, as well as mentioning different types of Dom(me)s that will help you construct your character/s. This will cover some of my firsthand knowledge, as a Dominant myself, that should provide a decent place to begin your research. (Includes helpful links)