The Boy That Never Was

Open

That brief moment you hold me so tight

your arms tremble and your voice

breaks and for that brief moment I see

into your heart and soul, your very being

and I see how you long for me and you

ache as I ache, ache to pull me closer

to bring you in to make you a part of me of

you of we not two, one being held together by

a silver cord of connection that no one or

two can sever, the pain in your eyes when I

must let go since I am one and you are one and

together we are still two not one but

someday the goodbye will cease and I see

for that moment you long as I long and I

know no doubt because I see you and you

see me and we are as close as the sea to the shore.

Some never learn.

Christmas eve past found the family on powdered hills,

toboggans dragged behind by stiff fingers.

I was the brave one, the first on my sled. The one who

never held the rope, even when my parents scolded,

told me it’s better to be safe than sorry.

I thought they were silly until I took a tumble,

my face slammed by the packed snow that had

seemed so soft just a moment ago.

I wish I knew how to listen.

Passing By

His heart took a swan dive,

spelunking into his stomach with

a sickening splash. He could see

the hate in her eyes,

the hurt he’d brought her.

He had to look away.

He sees his stark reflection in the

glass of the door before it

slides silently away, welcoming him

into the forgiving warmth of the store,

warmth he knows he doesn’t deserve.

Somewhere Over the Rainbow

Before our first date you bought me white lilies. I guessed you didn’t know the symbolism. But as the two of us become one for the who-knows-what time – you, deep inside me and I, clenched tight around you – I wonder if you did. Sometimes I feel as if we have become dead together. Your burning skin pressed against me, answering my need, no longer smells like cinnamon, only sweat. As your lips caress my collarbone, my breast, my navel you no longer taste strawberry, only salt. This four-story apartment building, box-shaped and bland, no longer is a stepping stone to a better life, but just another reminder of how our plans fell through. I remember the lilies as your hands squeeze my aching flesh, too warm for a corpse. The sun rises and the birds chirp and I convince myself that we are not yet dead. Even if that sun has long faded our yellow curtains. Even if we hardly speak. Even if you no longer call me liebe, though  we still make love. Even if your touch is the only thing I’m still living for.

To The Once Ingénue

The giver of blood and love is fragile

as it beats faint within the fold of your

broken breast. The giant’s grass of the forest

sways gently in the wind, unaware of your

selfish weight crushing the earth below.

You used to dance with grace as light as a breeze

among the blossoms of spring, but now you

have been stripped and knocked down, lying

heavy in the cold dirt of disenchanted

winter. You bury yourself in the decay of your

innocence as the rain of remorse now pours down

your cheeks. The one who did this to you feels no

regret. You let him take the silver trinkets

from your pain-streaked body and he

hung them from the bedpost that he might

admire those trophies of his conquest.

You have given up that blissful ignorance that you

once held so dear. Now you must stand alone and

face the world, for he is not there to lift you.

There is no changing what has been done.

Track 4

You step over the threshold to the

          sounds of Beethoven and Mozart. Beautifully

                    complicated, an enigma I plan to spend

my life solving. Figuring you out is a

          full time job, but all I’m paid is promises

                    and disappointments, affection and fear.

The definition of forever grows smaller

          and smaller, a wrung out sponge. Will

                    we be the ones to soak it full again?

Arpeggios leave out what’s in between.

Pop the Trunk

My life fits in the trunk of a civic

as i slide down this highway

miles pass with minutes

the separation of past and present

a stark reminder of reality

of time space and missed

opportunities it seems that

plans fall through and who’s

to say what comes but may today

be the way to tomorrow

yesterday says hello to memory

and so it goes as we toast to the old

and bring in the new it’s

true i am scared of the future

and you can’t pretend that you don’t

feel the same we all have our

boxes inside our trunks

no one can comprehend but us

so i drive my civic and

take my life from point a to point b

trying to tell myself that somehow

i’ll see where i’m going.

Love and Hate

I’d never do anything to hurt you

  On the phone

at 3 AM. The line goes dead

as I wonder if I took hold of you

The way you took hold of me.

You sank into my mind

And made it your home.

  You still captivate me.

My mind is full of you

and all your empty promises.

It’s not fair that you were

Able to grab me so quickly.

You swept me up

Before I had a chance to

See what was happening.

Why do I love you?

Why don’t I hate you?

I wish I could read your mind

Just to know what you think

When I see you walk in

at 3:47, tears in my eyes,

because I know from the

scent of that jasmine perfume

just where you’ve been.