Spilled Words - Blog Posts

Have I become addicted

to the sadness,

has it evolved into a hybrid

of apathy

of melancholy.

Will it stitch itself to my eyelids.

Will it clog up my narrow veins.

Is this the type of pain,

that drives my buried hope insane.

The new year feels like a broken clock that speeds up when you want the world to slow down. It doesn't care how heavy your heart is or how you fail to catch the light with your flimsy hands, it just approaches whether you're ready or not.

It spins forward and we spin with it and it sometimes feels a little unnerving, how evrything keeps moving while you’re standing there counting how many breaths you have left. But it's also comforting, It’s like a little nudge saying hey by the way, you can hit reset whenever you want. and you can, there's no universal default start date, your beginning can be when ever you want it to be. Maybe your new year starts when the winter months are long gone and the flowers are in bloom, maybe you begin when the sun baths the ground with new life and the glow of it all makes everything feel easier.

Maybe this year you don't think about beginnings or endings but just let yourself enjoy the middle. Time doesn't care when you start or how, it will push you along regardless. This year will be what it'll be, things from the last year will be carried along and some left behind, we just have to have hope that it'll kind.

Each year I have a new resolution and I can't help but have another. For the past four years it was to have enough food to eat, for a bed to sleep on instead of the hard floor, for my mother( where ever she may be) to be okay. This year I want to feel like a bird let out a cage, I want to shed the apathy from me, I want to peel back a layer and expose myself to all sorts of possibilities, I want to feel the heat of it on new skin. I want to live, not just survive, here's to 2025.

If your business is healthcare and you end up with more people dead than alive, because you purposely turned them away so you could take in more profits, then you have completely failed on a human level. Not to mention your entire business is in complete contradiction with its supposed purpose. You say you're in the buissnes of healing but all we see is death and greed.

I'm going to be honest, I'm not happy. Instead I just am. Just here. Just there. I'm, just. I spent way too long picking the colours for this blog instead of cleaning my house, I spent way too long worrying over my poems instead of worrying over the bills, I spent way too long writing about things that have happened and not about what could. I reply with flowers under comments because I'm worried I'll sound too blunt without them, but sometimes it feels fake, because I'm not that person alone, I don't think in pretty colours, happiness doesn't bloom behind my eyelids in pinks and yellows. Instead my thoughts are blunt and apathy stuffs itself into my ears and covers my eyes. It encases me in a womb, and I'm just waiting to be reborn. Into what exactly I don't know, just more awake I hope, less rotting in bed and more laughing in a field somewhere.

Do the people we drift away from ever return to us.

When my parents spilt up I didn't see my dad for months, during this time I would spend nearly every day playing with my friend Kelsey. We would get our hair caught climbing trees or make terrible perfume from her neighbours flowers. One time she pulled out a box from under her bed, it was filled with snails of different sizes collected from her garden "we're going to colour the shells". So that's what we did, we gently coloured around 20 in bright orange, red or purple, after that we put them near a tree by her house. We did all this to see if the same ones would come back, we thought at least 5 would. Weeks went by and we didn't see any colourful shells in her garden, they had moved on. Sometimes people leave and they don't come back, but you still hold the memories close, you still carry their mark on you and maybe they carry yours too.

Maybe somewhere out there, there are snails with brightly coloured shells and maybe carrying a piece of someone with you is enough.

I saw you there. Cigarette lit and back against the door. I watched you, I hadn't seen you in years yet you looked the same, But nothing between us was. I wanted you to notice me, I couldn't approach you, so instead I hoped you'd find my eyes and hold out your heart for me to love again. But our hearts didn't know each other anymore, so I left you by the door.

It's bonfire night. Remember remember the fifth of November. Remember a failed Act of rebellion: I remember my only act of purposeful destruction, of physical rebellion. I was 12 or 13 and you had let him back in the house again, you invited him in with a smile and avoided my eyes. So I threw a vase down the stairs, I wanted your attention, I wanted you to see that shattered vase and realise I was breaking apart. I didn't break it out of anger, I broke it in despair and desperation. I thought if I break this you'll wake up, you'll believe me. But you mocked it and laughed with him instead. Maybe you where so broken at that point, so broken that shards of porcelain and glass only looked like soft disagreement. Maybe you needed him to fill your cracks with his sharp edges.

I was seven, but I didn't remember it until I was 13. It was almost a blessing that my mind hid it from me, it would have weighed my small spirit down before it had the chance to bloom. He visited throughout those 6 years and I would laugh at his silly jokes. I thought he was funny. Now not so much, the memory has tainted all the others. It has reset the tone of every interaction. It came back to me in the kitchen, we where both sat at the table and my mother was fiddling with pots and pans by the sink. I don't remember what we where talking about but I do remember the suddenness of remembering being seven with you in my room. I had never tried to picture what people meant when they said your life flashes before your eyes when you're dying. I felt like I was dying, a part me came clawing out of its hiding place and ripped me anew. My life didn't flash before my eyes but you did. One minute you where safe and funny, a blink later you were dangerous and slimy. I wanted you off my skin, but you had been clinging to me for 6 years and I didn't know where to begin. One thing I knew for sure is I had remembered. And you thought I hadn't.

🌞 SUN GAZING 🌞

A Spiritual Practice

A theme song for this post:

I DO NOT PLAGIARIZE, COPY OR REWORD ANY OF MY FELLOW SPIRITUAL BEINGS POSTS AND I DEMAND THE SAME IN RETURN.

A BONUS in this post : SUN WATER AND MOON WATER🫂⛅

Sun Gazing is an Ancient Egyptian practice where you stare directly into the Sun. But this can only be done at sunrise or sunset to avoid damage being done to your eyes from the UV rays.

Sun gazing does much more than just increase your energy. Sun gazing is said to decalcify and grow the pineal gland (3rd eye). Meaning you will feel more spiritually connected to the world around you.

This practice helps one feel more energized and free, so if you feel sluggish and tired all the time, be sure to try this out. Society has made us believe that the Sun is bad for us, when actually, if in reality, we harvest the Sun's energy properly, it can and will change our lives forever.

If you don't believe it, Try this practice for 7 days straight and just see the difference!

⛅ SUN WATER and MOON WATER 🌜

Now, I'm sure many of my spiritual readers know what Moon Water is. Some may even know what Sun Water is. If some of you are hearing this for the first time, I will explain briefly.

• Sun Water is the method of containing the Sun's positive energies into the water we drink or use for our spiritual practices by placing it outside exposed to the Sun.

• Moon Water is the method of containing the Moon's positive energies into the water we drink or use for our spiritual practices by placing it outside exposed to the Moon.

HOW TO MAKE SUN WATER:

The steps are very easy and simple:

Fill up any container with Water (Bottles, A Glass, Tumbler, anything that can hold in water).

If you wish, you can even cleanse the container before filling it up with Water, with an incense stick or sage.

Place the container of water where the Sun's rays hit. The water in the container must be exposed to the Sun's rays. Also, you are only supposed to keep the water at any of the 2 allotted timings which I have given below👇

You can write down affirmations on a piece of paper, fold it and place it under the container if you wish to, as well.

Let the container be where it is till the time you must take it out, that is:

Early morning - 6:00 Am to 8/9:00 Am.

Afternoon to evening hours - 5:30 Pm to 7:00 Pm.

The benefits of drinking and using the Sun Water in our spiritual practices are the same as the benefits of Sun Gazing.💖

.

HOW TO MAKE MOON WATER:

Again, The steps are very easy and simple:

Fill up any container with Water (Bottles, A Glass, Tumbler, anything that can hold in water).

If you wish, you can even cleanse the container before filling it up with Water, with an incense stick or sage.

Place the container of water where the Moon's light touches the water. The water in the container must be exposed to the Moon's light.

You can write down affirmations on a piece of paper, fold it and place it under the container if you wish to, as well.

Let the container be where it is overnight and then you must take it out before the sun rises.

MOON GAZING IS ALSO VERY BENEFICIAL.

Moon Water is very beneficial for those who want to get in touch with their intuition more and become more spiritually energized.

Drinking Moon water can help one become more relaxed and in touch with their emotions and feminine side.

One can manifest and cleanse using Moon Water as well. It is the most recommended by witches. Witchcraft is a bland experience without Moon Water because Moon is the witches mother.

Without the nurturing of our Mother Moon, how can we feel the best in our spiritual practices? Hence, we first bow down to our Moon, who will always be our Soul Mother.

Thankyou for reading through this! I do hope you all enjoyed this short post!

I will see you in the next one, and yes, the tarot pile reading will come out soon...till then, I will be posting as usual❤️

Take care and have a great day!❤️‍🔥

Claiming<<<<<

Female hands in paintings

You wouldn’t know how good I am at lying until you give me a reason to trust you.

I don’t even trust myself

“I love you.” The only thing I’m absolutely sure of in this messed up world. And I hope the same doesn’t hold true for you because the light in your eyes is too bright to be dimmed by falling victim to this thing called love.

It has destroyed so many

Sitting in complete silence with you isn't awkward anymore. In fact, it brings me great joy in knowing that just my presence is enough for you. And that we don't need to do anything of extravagance is a comfort of its very own.

While you slept with your dog

I look at you and can't help but fall in love with you all over again.

I'm yours now and forever

My worst nightmare is waking up to you not next to me. That you will fall out of love. That all of the little things I do will start to annoy you. My worst nightmare is being there when you kiss another girl. That everything about us was a lie. My worst nightmare is watching you walk out on what we had.

Losing you is my biggest fear

I thought you weren't coming back, so I gave up hoping you would. I gave up because someone like me doesn't just become friends with someone like you. Someone of your caliber would go to someone much more deserving and not already gone.

Inside the Artist #6

This feeling, what is it? Puppy love? A school boy crush? I hope not, I want this feeling to last. This feeling of belonging right where I am and not having to prove myself to get here. I want this to last, I want this to last. I want this peace to keep flowing over me, I want to feel like I am nothing. Because that is what I feel is going to be my escape when everything comes crashing down around me. Because you'll still be here, and I'll still be me.

Inside the Artist #5

I don't know what happened for fate, or destiny, or maybe just sheer coincidence, to push us together, but I have a feeling that whatever happens from here will only strengthen the nonexistent bond that we have yet to form.

Inside the Artist #4

Maybe it was just the lighting with the trees and the half hidden sun, but I swear, you are the most beautiful creature I have ever seen. And you wanted to sit next to me. Unbelievable.

Inside the Artist #3

It's so close. But why can't I touch it? My fingers  just barely graze the surface, but they can't hold onto the feeling. I can't keep my eyes shut forever. I want to. I want to grab onto my oblivion and never let it go.

Inside the Artist #1

Did I ever matter to you? Or was I just the end game? A prize? I went into this relationship thinking I'd feel more loved than used.

I guess I was wrong about a lot of things

I hate myself because no one has ever cared enough to teach me why I should love it.

Then I met you

Being happy hurts. It’s one truth of the world no one wishes to speak about. Being happy doesn’t allow for sadness. Being happy doesn’t allow for others to help you. And lord forbid that you actually say that you aren’t ‘happy’.

“But you have a such a good life”

Your eyes are the sky. Your voice is the earth. And your hug is what keeps me grounded.

Before you left

I'd like to say that I'm alive. But I can't. I feel more like a ghost as I walk through the halls, my touch barely changing anything as I go past. My voice only a whisper in the wind as I yell for help out of the repeating hell. Because to be alive, you just be doing something extraordinary. Otherwise, you become something of a shadow left to watch as everyone forgets about you.

I'd love to feel alive

I doubt you realize how easy it was for you to make a home in my heart. To make me feel as if you were all that I needed. Now here I am, with blood on my chest and my heart in my hands that you so easily ripped out. And what hurt the most isn't that my heart was torn out. It was that you knew how easy it would be to do just that.

You've made me numb

I feel the closest to you when you are the farthest away.

I can feel you in my heart