Poem - Blog Posts

Who Said I Need Help

It’s for your own good, you say,

We’re trying to help you find your way.

But this isn’t help—

It’s control in disguise.

You bind me in light,

While ignoring my cries.

You want to rewrite me,

Fix what you think is flawed.

But I don’t need reshaping—

I just need what I lost.

Don’t change me.

Don’t cleanse me.

Don’t wash away the scars.

They are the only proof

That I’ve survived this far.

You all forget—

There was a boy once,

Small hands, soft dreams.

He didn't decay;

He bloomed—

Until no one believed.

I don’t need your cage of goodness,

I need to remember.

The warmth I once had,

The voice I lost in the embers.

Give me that.

Give me truth, not lies.

Don’t try to save me—

Just recognize.

Because who said I need help?

What I need…

Is to be seen.

Not as your villain,

But the boy I’ve always been.

*inspired by shigaraki of my hero academia

"The Rain That Speaks"

The rain, it falls like whispers soft,

A cry that echoes from above.

Not loud, but deep—its voice aloft,

A call that wraps you in its love.

It’s not just weather, not just sound,

But a heartbeat, quiet, full of grace.

A sadness floating, all around,

A sorrow that no one can erase.

Sometimes it’s a gentle hug,

Wrapping you in warmth unknown,

Other times, a scolding tug,

A reminder that you’re not alone.

It laughs, it smiles, it weeps and sighs,

Each drop a story left untold.

And when you look up at the skies,

You wonder what could make it cold.

A cry, a plea, a silent sound,

And yet you feel, though you can’t know.

You don’t need answers, just the ground

Where rain and heart both ebb and flow.

And though you don’t understand its voice,

You listen with your soul, your heart.

For in its cry, you find your choice—

To feel it all, and never part.

I'm Fine, I Smile

I wasn’t hurt—just tired of trying,

Tired of being someone worth knowing,

Worth listening to, worth being seen,

Worth being loved.

But don’t worry, I know how this ends—

No matter how the coin falls,

The choice was made before it touched the ground.

I’m not hurt.

Don’t worry.

I just sometimes cry.

I spent my life chasing acceptance,

You tell me I should change,

To be more, to be less,

To fit the mold, to please the man.

But what if I don’t want to?

Why is being "liked" such an important title?

Why am I told to sit in the corner?

Why am I cherished only when I am quiet,

Polished, unbothered, smart—

But never too much of anything,

Merely just the start?

The world I created was once my own,

A place of medicine and hope.

Now, it's just a maladaptive way to cope.

I wait by the clock, as if waiting for life to begin,

As if death is the only time we appreciate art.

I stand on the bleachers where I once cried,

Surrounded by rumors—

That’s how I learned to lie.

I’m okay.

I’m fine.

It didn’t even hurt.

I smile to mask my fear,

My stories, my tears.

I stood there, watching—

A pile of dirt falling on me,

And the idea of protection disappearing.

But I’m okay.

I’m fine.

I smile.

Drowning

I scream, but no one hears a sound,

I reach, but no one's hand is found.

I smile, I laugh, I play the part,

But water fills my hollow heart.

The tide is high, the waves unkind,

Yet still, they say, "It's in your mind."

So I will sink, and I will fade,

A ghost in waters sorrow-made.

Mask

I wear a mask, so no one sees,

The cracks, the breaks, the silent pleas.

A smile so bright, eyes filled with light,

Yet inside, I drown in endless night.

They see the joy, the endless cheer,

But never what I truly fear.

For if they did, they’d walk away,

And I’d be left to face the grey.

How We Love

*a poem of love from someone who has never been close to it*

You love with the same fervernece Of a starved man who has been Gifted with the promise of food Sitting mere feet away.

You are all bite an snarl, You push and shove To the finish line; Your eyes trained on the flesh In front of you.

I too was hungry. You were not the only one Who was withheld lifes simple Pleasures.

I too was left to chew At the inside of my cheek To slow the decay of my skin.

I know what it feels like To cut away pieces of your body Just to feel whole.

Yet you keep taking from me; Living under the assumption That leaving my skin bitten, broken And bruised, used up from your ventures, Is an act of love, and not one Shaped from your depravity.

When I laid my body bare for you That night while the world screamed Beyond the four walls of your quiet, Cluttered room, I thought you saw how our Eyes where blurred red from the same travasties.

Naivety has always been my downfall.

It was my undoing believing you knew that We were scarred from the same knife--rather, It was careless of me to assume you would hold it in consideration before serrading me once more.

But,

With my body cut open, My blood seeping into your sheets, claiming ownership in the one place you called home, I think the hunger that had been gnawing At my insides, long before you knew me, began to subside.

There is a power in knowing You come to me to feel worthy Of being human again. That it is my body, my being That is the foundation of your Sense of self.

So I will stay quiet while your feast, I will not cry while you dismember me. I will wait, watching red stain creme cotton In a halo around us and build myself From the remnants you left, and hold you While you struggle to understand the fullness.

For this is how I love.

true love by Sharon Olds

“Just remember. None of us have any idea what we’re doing either. No one chooses to exist. You just do. You’re gonna be okay.”

— Halsey

Love this 💛

The Hearse

Follow the afterlife's carriage,

Down the winding roads and through each eerie passage,

A melancholy pilgrimage, weeps and prayers fill the air,

Solemn people on the mourners' trail, all with woeful stares,

They embrace the beauty of decay,

A beautiful, lamentable display,

In the final reveal, it's Myself they see confined,

It is me that they grieve for, and the life I've left behind.

- Kat Hollow, 5/5/2024

on peace after trauma 🌻

I love this so much. This seems like something my old cousin would say.

Pensacola News Journal, Florida, March 8, 1934

You know, in a way, we are all roses

We all are beautiful

We all have thorns not only to protect us but to keep others away from hurting us

We all sway with delight

We all look appealing to someone's eye

We are all special in some sort of way

We all show love and prosperity to someone

We all grow

But one day we all will wither

[dear bird,

protect me.

the fall is too high. catch me.

i'm not ready to fly. eat me.

in your inside, take me.

don't leave me, so i can live in you.

see through you

what i can't be

be for two, for we, for i

and drown deep above

[in the vacuum.

jales.

Hi!!

I bought 4 books recently, 2 of them arrived today:

• o mito de sísifo - camus;

• exílios e poemas - james joyce.

As you know, I already read the myth of sysifus, but it was on kindle and i wanted to have the physical one. And the Joyce's, I never even had heard about it, but found it online and it sounds interesting.

Be kind to yourselves, fellas! 🤍🌧

Soup is good

Soup is nice

Make it warm

Add some spice

Add some veggies

Add some meat

And your night will be neat

Reblog to give a trans woman a warm cup of soup

On being Good

I want to be Good, I yearn to be Good and yet I'm still me

twoheadedfawnn// Tongues & Teeth by The Crane Wives// susitse.art//Never Love an Anchor by The Crane Wives// Sweet Hibiscus Tea by Penelope Scott// ugly, bitter, and true by Suzanne Rivecca// Sept 15 1893 by The Mountain Goats// calling a wolf a wolf by Kaveh Akbar// House Song by Searows// We'll Never Have Sex by Leith Ross// ruinedangel777// I'm Your Man by Mitski// Into the Woods: Last Midnight sung by Meryl Streep //Captain Curly's character section on the TVtropes Mouthwashing page// flowrrs4u & Our Bodies & Other Fine Machines by Natalie Wee// suistse.art // A Burning Hill by Mitski// Wild Geese by Mary Oliver//

Once a month

They tell me it’s a woman's dream/an ancestral right passed down from mother to daughter

A fever lights beneath my skin/red orchids stretching and blooming on my shoulders and back

The great goddesses would smile and kiss my head for this/but I wish they would take it back

The moon with her eternal smirk dances with me/i feel just like the tide, thrown from side to side

My body shakes like a kicked dog/the tremors spread and the entire world seems to quiver as well

I do not feel like myself/ my mother fixes my clothes and tells me that's just how it is

I want to kill myself mother is that just how it is too/it’s not real, it’s just like a dehydration mirage in the desert she tells me

I wail and mother laughs at my dramatics/does she delight in the shared suffering we now have?

I want to cut open my stomach to strangle the snakes writhing in it/mother tells me she's afraid of snakes

I come to my father on my knees like a begging man/this is a woman’s matter he says as he turns his head

When I cry about my miserable existence asking for it’s justification/he says the same as my mother, it’s not real

There is not enough air in the world/but my “sisters” tell me to just breathe, like telling a dead man to still love

I take the tablets/the pills/the capsules/the pellets/the medicine/and I weep like i’ve never known tenderness

I tell God i’ll finally go to church if he takes the pain away and when he doesn’t/i say i’ll start worshiping Satan

I feel like a melancholic girl from the 1800s/banished to the countryside for hysteria 

I wish I was hysteric/i wish someone could give me a prescription of living on the land 

The little control I still have/i wrestle with like I’m a child trying to keep my favorite toy 

The moon waxes and wanes as a crawl on the floor/a wounded bleeding animal

This is womanhood they say, this is punishment/take it back take it back take it back

The resentments and bitterness slip past my lips like puke/isn’t this beautiful, don’t you feel beautiful

I do not want this girlhood, this femininity/give me barren fields and an empty life

I sit with my “sisters” as we talk about Aunt Flow/in this we are a witch covenant bound only by mutual pain

I wish I could give away this regift of living as it was regifted to me/but there is only one way to do that

I feel bruised, achey, and weak/i wish someone would hold me

But mother says it’s natural/and father says to toughen up 

I am already so small/why must you make me smaller?

I spoke to god and shes a teenage girl

She’s telling me about K-pop. Was it Jennie or Jung-kook?

I don’t remember and I don’t really get it but she’s so excited so I listen.

Next she begins to show me the dance sequences. They look complicated. And she tells me all about how she and her friends are going to dance together.

I ask how long I’m going to live for.

She says, how tf should I know.

And then she starts telling me about a girl named Marie. She hates Marie. Hates the way Marie holds herself, the way Marie chews her pencils, the way Marie laughs as if she’s been kicked in the teeth. 

She hates Marie so I do too.

My hamster dies tragically as they all do. Escaped onto the road and driven over. When she finds out, she mourns.

Her cries make her body convulse, like she's giving up some part of herself. Her sobbing is so loud it rattles the braces on my teeth.

She cries over my hamster’s body for 5 days and when I bury him, she delivers a eulogy so beautiful I’m almost thankful he did die, just so I could hear her speech.

When my grandma gets cancer, I demand an answer from her. Why didn’t she tell me?

She shrugs and says everyone has their time and goes back to scrolling on tiktok.

I pass my exam with a grade so good it’s shocking for mediocre me and she congratulates me. 

At my congratulatory dinner, she makes it all about herself and says our friendship was the driving force behind my good grade.

I grab her and pull her into the bathroom, where I slap her so hard there are nail marks on her cheek. 

She looks in the mirror, peeved I ruined her lipgloss.

When my first boyfriend cheats on me, I cry so much in her arms that I think I’ve cried enough to fill the Atlantic sea.

She corrects me and tells me it’s closer to The Red Sea.

I ask if I deserved this, she doesn’t answer. I ask if there's something wrong with me, she doesn’t answer. I ask if I am unlovable, she doesn’t answer.

I ask her why she didn’t respond to my last text, she says she was busy.

One day we’re eating ice cream together on a warm summer day, her rum raisin, me elderflower and I ask her what I should do to please her.

She considers the question, humming and haaing on it. Then she tells me, go to the deepest darkest part of the ocean and bring me back one of those funny looking sea creatures.

I ask if she’s being serious and she says she always is.

When i'm dying and we see each other again, she first tells me about all my wrinkles and gray hairs and recommends a guy she knows that could help with that. 

Are we going to be together forever now, I ask? 

She wrinkles her nose at that and says no, you bring down the vibes.

A believer asks their God for love

I want to be consumed. To not be myself anymore and become part of something else. That’s what true love is. I want you to give me new life. Set fire to my soul. I’ve spent my whole life hurting, aching but I know love will fix me. Your love will fix me. Kiss me with those golden lips and pour your sunshine into me. It will fix me. It has to. Everything I touch, I leave with scars. Look what I've done to my body, look at my body and tell me you still love me. Touch the scar on my right knee, caress the mark on my forehead, kiss the old wounds on my achilles heel. Take them from me, I give them willingly. What is my body supposed to do without you, how should I move it without your instruction? 

My whole life I have been waiting for you. I am a believer prostrating before the altar of my god, you. Wash away my sins, make me anew. Let me be reborn in your light. Make me into something lovable, make into something worth holding. Unmake me from what I am. You are purity and divinity, all things I am not. When God made us, we were made in your image, but not me. Not me. I am a wretched thing, I am not your creation but I could be. I could be beautiful, I know you could make it so. 

I once heard someone ask “Do you love God or are you in love with God?” and yes is my answer. Is there a difference? Not to me. 

 I love you like something that can’t be loved back. I know that, I know that.

Forever Rain

I wish it would rain forever So we could always stay together The world grey and blue But I would always have you Never without the quiet pitter patter But there would be no more chatter I wish we were the only ones left alive  And in the rainfall we would thrive Just you, me and the rain In our little domain I wish the world would drown So you would never frown You would love me forever And we would never part whatsoever That would be so splendid To live in a world suspended

A rabbit begs a fox to not be be eaten

Little rabbit, with soft white fur like fresh fallen snow, Where are you running to?

Big fox, I’m off to the bakers, to the beavers, to the beach by brewery lane, And you aren’t welcome.

Little rabbit, I am as kind as a cool summer wind soothing a fever, Why am I not welcome?

Big fox, with your big jowls and teeth, you will eat me whole Slurp up all my bones. 

Little rabbit, never in my life for I love you so You quick footed spirit I cannot catch.

Big fox truly? Truly with your corn eyes, your bone teeth, your sunset fur Do you truly love this little rabbit?

I always have and I always will Little Rabbit. You have a big heart Fox. Bigger than you and I. ......................................................................

Big fox, where did you run off to? I couldn’t find you in the stream, in the strawberry bush, in the shadows of the sycamore tree.

Little rabbit, I was not far, not far at all. I went to see if the hedgehogs had any bread to spare during this harsh winter.

Big fox, thank you for trying, thank you loving me, Though my fur is falling out, I’m all skin and bones, and I don’t have much energy for anything these days.

Little rabbit, but of course and thank you for still loving me, Despite my yellow teeth, and patchy fur, and growling stomach

Big fox, I will always love you, You promised not to eat me and even though we have little you have yet to break your promise.

Little rabbit, I never will. Big fox, now come lets see if we can find any berries.

......................................................................

Little rabbit, I am sorry for what I must do, But my stomach can’t survive on love alone and this winter has been so cold.

Big fox, you promised to love me forever,  You swore it under the eucalyptus tree, under the Everdeen bridge, under the everglowing moon.

Little rabbit, can’t you see? My stomach aches so badly, my body feels so weak, my tongue has not tasted meat in so many months now.

Big fox, eat someone else! You can’t eat me, I'm terribly thin like you and I wouldn’t taste great.

Little rabbit, you will do, you will do. Curse me not for what I do, curse my nature as a fox.

Big fox, so that’s what it is? I am the rabbit and you the fox so I must run and you must chase?

Little rabbit, yes such is our way. We were deluded to think it could be otherwise

Would you still love me if I were a worm but for a dog

Would you still love me if I were a worm,

Which is to say, would you still love me if I couldn’t take you on walks Which is to say, would you still love me if I couldn’t feed you Which is to say, would you still love me if I didn’t play with you Which is to say, would you still love me if I didn’t kiss your head and pet your fur Which is to say, would you still love me if I didn’t serve you?

If I could provide you nothing, would you still come to me tail wagging Place your head in my lap, lick at my lotioned legs, Whine when I ignore you, chase me when I run from you?

Or would you find someone new, someone who could give you all those things And more. Would it even hurt for you to leave me, or would I be an afterthought? I’d like to think you’d never leave my side, no matter what Man’s best friend and all.

We’ve been together for so long, not us two but humans and canines. When we leave for the stars will you come with us? I’d take you with, I’d take you anywhere I went.

You were made to serve us, but it is us that serve you To a dog, man is God And who would worship a God if they could give no boons, answer no prayers, quell no storms, bless no harvests Which is to say, I don’t deserve your worship 

Someone once said that humans are a dog’s whole life while they’re only a chapter to us. What a terribly sad thing to say. You deserve a whole novel

You give me so much and I give nothing in return I weep into your fur and you wait patiently, I injure myself and you try lick the wound to help I lag behind you as you run and you slow and look back waiting for me, I step on your tail and you cry but immediately forgive me, I hold you as you tremble from the thunder that I can do nothing about

I know this is a  Dog eat dog world, so I would not feel betrayed If you stopped loving me So I ask again, would you still love me if I were a worm?

I can tolerate the discomfort that comes from not being liked by others.

What I cannot tolerate is living out of alignment with my values and staying silent about things I care about just to make sure others like me.

I wroted

Ehehehehehe trauma poem

To Adora, From Elliott

To the little girl, I used to be do you remember all those nights when you would stay awake Thinking up all those far away dreams You would stare up at the ceiling planning out how you would do it all

All those years you spent taking care of everyone else Watching your siblings,  making sure that they had the childhood you never had. Giving up on all those dreams you had made for yourself Handing them over to your siblings,  thinking that maybe they could let them grow. Planning on becoming their superhero, Ready to save their day, Shielding them from all the screaming, The sharp words being thrown like knives. Giving them a haven from the flying fists and broken doors.

But darling I promise you Your life will not have been wasted. I will following your footsteps saving the kids  from those monsters that lurk around them. I will keep themself, and make sure they grow

Remember all those nights you would make promises Between you and the world outside that shitty apartment window Telling yourself it would get better, rehearsing it so much it was branded in your heart and brain Telling yourself those thoughts would go away That you could wake up And be the perfect daughter You would wake up and be a girl and believe it Your body would no longer feel so wrong

Spending all those nights and early mornings Praying to that god you were so hopelessly clinging to Begging him to make it all make sense Those thoughts stuck circling in your head All the worries and fears that had kept piling up Tangling themselves together

you were right when you said you’d never see twenty-seven You weren’t even able to see yourself as a teenager The image always seemed so far off, Just out of reach  a dream you always had each night but always leaving in the morning light Leaving you with just tiny pieces of it.

You had been off by a few years though There was never a sweet sixteen for you No birthday presents and a new car. You had been long gone before that.

You had barely seen fourteen, Eighth grade was your last.  But I think you knew that. I think you had come to terms, Knowing that you would die soon. But that’s how you were always giving, giving, and giving. So I guess it wasn’t that big of a surprise.

What would you think of me now if you saw who you became Would you be proud? Proud that I finally found myself That I had finally realized who I was Would you be happy? Happy that I had made it this far, That I was able to finally make it to sixteen, even though you didn’t?

Because for me to make it, You had to die, I had to kill every part of you. I had to be the one to hold that pillow over your head, I still have the scars from those scratches you gave me. I carry them like war paint, showing the world how I was born.

I had to burn that name you carried for years,  Burning it to ashes, spreading them to the world. The name you carried on your back like a shield or a burden Depending on how you looked at it.

I cut off those beautiful brown locks that you loved. Those curls littered the floor of the bathroom,  while chopped them off with some old kitchen shears. That beautiful brown color was bleached and turned any color besides that natural tone.

Your skin that was then envy of your family I covered in scars and marks, making it match the way we both had felt. Making your family no longer love it, turning it into something they no longer wanted to see.

I took the breasts that you had always hoped for, And had chopped them off, leaving your chest barren and scarred making it easier for me to live, no longer have those things as a reminder as to who you used to be, while it had made you cry out in shame, for you had lost the things you had been hoping would make you feel as if you belonged in your skin.

but my dear adora, I hope you realize that nothing I had done to this body, that was once yours, was in malice or hatred.  it was just something I had needed to do, for me to live happily. please remember I’ll love you forever, my little girl of grey. rest well knowing will live this for the both of us, taking those chances you never did.

always and forever, Elliott Mars Parker.