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Jesus - Blog Posts
Me reading the book of Matthew and Jesus's parables: dang. Bro is dropping straight BARS.
Like at the end of Matthew 17, J-man and His bros (Jesus and His disciples) go to the temple in Capernaum, and the guard dudes are like, "yo, yall gotta pay the Temple Tax™️"
And Peter is like, "My lord, is it right to pay the temple tax?"
And Jesus basically goes, "Does the king take taxes from his children?"
Peter: "uhhhhhhhh no"
Jesus: "then the children are exempt for the tax. However, these guys will throw a hissy fit if we don't pay, so go catch a fish, and in its mouth you'll find some coins to pay it with"
(Matthew 17:24-27, NIV)
Like bro??? Again, he is just slaying in everything he's in!!! My Lord is an icon!!!! Literally!!!! Praise be to him cause NOBODY else can be such an icon!!!
if I never get to see you again, if I never come and find you, my friend, then I'll tie you ever tightly, here beside me, never slowing
fanart for the Judas Iscariot animated film which is still live in kickstarter!! go support it!!!
HAPPY CHANUKAH EVERYBODY 🕎✡️!!!! FESTIVAL OF LIGHTS!!!!! SEVIVON TO PLAY WITH AND LATKES TO EAT!!!!
T-that’s what we’re all celebrating today, right?
Wanna know something? He ain't never did that shit. He literally said to love everyone, or the least one can do is respect them, but no. Some delusional asshole will continue to be cowardly dicks.
Tried to draw the thron crown of Christ and the nails that they used to crucify him.
Amen to our Father in Heaven, who died for our sins.🙌🙏
as much as the concept of Jesus being a fairly normal lad has its charms, im personally very intrigued by the idea of him being just… extremely weird. not even in a mystical sense, just…….staggeringly BIZZARRE.
you go to the well to get some water, and here’s Miriam’s boy, staring at the sky, completely still. his expression is unreadable. you hazard a hello and ask how he’s doing, and he slowly, unblinkingly, lowers his gaze on you (he’s 8 and is missing his frontal teeth, not that this is making you any less uncomfortable) and says “I cannot speak of the state of my being, Nathan son of Saul, my brother, but rejoice for the water you shall take today will be as pure as the soul of the children of Heaven”
…you start sweating
Jesus can multiply and change form.
Is Jesus a slime?
God is a shut-in.
God, as we discussed previously in a civilised and polite manner, IS A COWARD. He resides in his extravagant abode consisting of a singular golden gate (lame, gold isn't a even a good metal) and some clouds (made of water, kvass is better (i am not an addict)). He also has some angels made of eyes (lame, i made a biblically accurate alien garfield-coloured octopus, so im way better) and some dudes that were too unsinful to be with the hot guys in hell and their awesome muscles capable of throwing me into Satan's church of enlightenment on how to effectively sin to get more men. Where was i? oh yeah GOD IS A COWARD, HE REMAINS IN HIS CLOUDY WITH A CHANCE OF ELDRITCH ANGELS LAND AS HE COWERS BEFORE HUMANITY. DO YOU REMEMBER THE LAST TIME GOD WENT DOWN TO HUMANITY? JESUS. He is whatever he is. Jesus got nailed by probably muscular dudes onto a giant T aka a cross. In other words God was murdered and people didn't stop making fun of his death even after he abused the revival glitch and patched it, so I couldn't do it. So what does he do about his death? Remain in the not so damned sky, he trapped himself there as he already experienced getting absolutely murdered by shirtless muscular roman dudes and fears it happening again. COWARD. I WOULD TAKE ON THOSE DUDES WITH THE POWER OF YEAST INFECTION. THOSE NERDS HAVE NO CLUE WHAT A LIFETIME OF CONSUMING GLUTEN DOES TO A MORTAL BEING, THEY ONLY JUST BEGAN THE CREATION OF GARLIC BREAD. GOD REMAINS THERE IN THE SKY, EATING COTTON CANDY CLOUDS AS HE KNOWS WE HAVE IT BETTER, HE FEARS GETTING DOWN TO US AS HE KNOWS, HE BLOODY KNOWS WE WILL KILL AGAIN. HE SHUT HIMSELF OFF FROM THE ENTIRE WORLD, WHY DO YOU THINK NO ONE HAS SEEN HIM IN MILLENNIA?!?!? HE IS A DAMN NEET. PROBABLY WATCHES ROMCOM ANIME TO HIDE THE FACT HE AIN'T GETTING LOVED BY HIS OWN CHILDREN. HE QUIT HIS JOB AS GOD AND REMAINED AS A NEET. MY PROOF OF THIS IS I STILL HAVEN'T GOTTEN MY ESTROGEN AND BLåHAJ as well as skort go spinny and shork and and aaaand im getting sidetracked arent i. Ahem as I'm politely criticising God I will also add the fact that he is probably hiding because I wanna rid off the flesh he bestowed me by peeling it off like a banana and letting the skeleton free from the meaty prison, also like a banana. But unlike banana, bread. Bread is said to be the body of Christ. Do you know who that is? GOD. I AM DEVOURING FLESH OF GOD.
JCS Incorrect Quotes
--
Jesus: What is your biggest weakness?
Judas: I can be uncooperative.
Jesus: Okay, can you give me an example?
Judas: No.
--
Judas: Jesus and I have the kind of easy chemistry where we finish each other's-
Jesus: Sentences.
Judas: Don't interrupt me.
--
Judas: Must be hard not being able to laugh
Mary: I do have a sense of humor you know
Judas: I’ve never heard you laugh before
Mary: I’ve never heard you say anything funny
--
Simon: I'm incredibly fast at math.
Mary: Alright, what's 30x17?
Simon: 47
Mary: That's not even close.
Simon: But it was fast.
--
Peter: Ok, maybe playing ‘whose family is most dysfunctional’ wasn’t the best idea we’ve had. Judas has been crying in the bathroom for an hour. We can’t get him out...
(GIF ain't mine)
Jesus: Why did you throw that? Now I'm sad :(
Judas: ...
Jesus: Judas... the blanket has feelings too...
.
The Blanket: Hello. I'm filing a complaint against one of your followers
Jesus: Sure. Which one?
The Blanket: Judas >:(
Jesus:
Jesus: ... Sorry, our compliant system isn't working right now, we will fix it soon
The Blanket: When will you fix it?!
Jesus: *hangs up*... That was close
Source: The JCS brainworms of my brain
Simon: *has a child safety teather*
Mary: Is that a leash?
Jesus: No, it is a child safety teather, let’s go Simon
Judas: It’s a leash, don’t judge us
Judas: Simon is going through a phase, gosh, at least we hope it’s a phase
Jesus: He bolts every chance he gets, so we had no choice than to put him on a child safety teather
Judas: …
Judas: It’s a leash... and we did have a choice
My friend sent me a snap saying a long the lines about Jesus being killed by his boyfriend. At first I thought she was talking about Judas till I saw the second one about Isha dying that I realized she was talking about Jayce.
Harrison Ford is jesus confirmed????
reasons to love harrison ford
1. hates donald trump 2. got his ear pierced at claires because why not 3. legit asks people to beat him up in action scenes EVEN NOW AS AN OLD MAN 4. is arguably one of the most iconic star wars characters yet couldnt give less of a crap abt star wars 5. the universe tried to kill him (or at least permanently incapacitate him) twice in 2015 and it only mildly inconvenienced him 6. flies helicopters in search and rescue missions 7. was in his 40s for the majority of the indiana jones series which is insane when you think about all the stunts involved 8. quote “the director yells cut and harrison cracks open a beer and then builds a fucking shed” 9. arguably sexy 10. points angrily and its super effective
