First Love - Blog Posts

I will cry. I am crying. Relatable.

Dean being so nonchalant and laid back hanging out with Cas normally but the second they agree to go on their first date, he becomes flustered and self conscious because he wants to make a "good first impression" on his best friend of 12 years

Tell me pretty lies

Look me in the face

Tell me that you love me

Even if it's fake

Cause' I don't fucking care

At

All

I am not afraid of death, nor am I afraid of an unlived life.

But I am afraid of growing old, without you by my side.

I never try to leave because I worry that if I try to leave, you won't even try to stop me.

The day I turn the page, I'd reach the end.

“There comes a day when you realise turning the page is the best feeling in the world, because you realise there’s so much more to the book than the page you were stuck on.”

— Zayn Malik

I am the disease that inflicts this world.

She is the one that keeps me at bay.

If she is taken from this world.

The world will die a slow agonizing death.

I am here and I am not going anywhere

In life, and in death,

In this life, and the next,

I will stay by your side,

Till the end.

I have heard that self love is survival. But for me it's my love for you that keeps me going.

Even as my hate for the world and self pushes me to end it all.

I wonder what it will take for you to love me back.

What it would take you to choose me.

But at the end of the day, This isn't something that is in my hand.

Is it love that you are only one I have ever longed for?

Is it love that you are the core of all my happy memories?

If yes,

Then whatever you do,

Whether you choose me or not,

I only ask that you let me love you

Wholeheartedly.

How do you tell someone that the reason  

       you are happy is because they texted.

It's so embarrassing how even small words from you make me happy.

I feel so helpless.

I'll drink to that. (drinks water)

I'm going to bed.

I don't want to be awake anymore.

I rather NOT think of her and miss her.

So bed it is.

You ask me If I'm okay

The answer is always no,

So long as you are away.

I second this. I see no point in staying where I am not needed. If it's always me running after you. It feels like I want you while you simply tolerate me out of politeness.

I cannot be the only one to initiate everything in my relationships anymore I’m going to go insane I need to be needed

I understand this and I understand why people would subscribe to this school of thought but I don't agree.

This, feels disingenuous. Like something we know we should do but we can't because it feels like a lie. Maybe it's just me and I need to grow up. But progress in my life doesn't really mean that I am letting go. They are Always will be my priority.

If I miss someone I will go. I have no honor in face of them. No shame. And it's true that it's important to create value through absence. But I can't create my absence because at the end of the day just want them to be happy and I can't stay away. So no hope either.

Me: Doc, I miss her too much. Not sure what to do.

Doc (also Me): Murther when feeling sappy / shy. Destiel when feeling numb / sad. Hannigram when feeling helpless / hopeless.

My longing for you makes all my close     

       friends angry. I don't blame em.

I write for you because I can't kiss you. So I hope my words would.

I wish I could let you go. I say as I get

       comfy in bed, hoping to dream of you again.

It's not like I love you. I just keep fantasizing

       but our futurr life  together these past weeks.

Thank God I dreamt of her again.

Huh... just gonna leave it here for no particular reason.

I immediately thought of her...

Even though I am usually thinking of her.

This hit me the hardest

The moment when distraction break. When we realize that we live our lives going from one task to another trying not to obsess over one thing over one being.

Then moments like this when distraction breaks and we realize we were living a lie. The person is never truly gone and distractions won't change the fact that we are in the end, all alone

The hurt. That makes us pause. That hurts something special.

I was widdling a stick to make it smooth and my cousin says...

"Oh, you're skinning a stick... Who broke your heart?"

I immediately thought of her...

Even though I'm usually thinking of her.

I wanted to tell my cousin that I've been in love with the same person and or girl for the last 7 plus years...

But I didn't.

Even though my cousin is, I think the only one in my family, other than my Mom, to know I'm not exactly straight.

Another call out post.

“I’d kill for you. Please ask me to kill for you.” “No.” Is a top tier ship dynamic no I do not take criticism

2nd addition to Tumblr callout posts. I really need to start making a list.

a collection of hilson quotes i found

Thank

Euripides (Tr. Anne Carson) / @wholeheartedsuggestions / Jenny Slate / Euripides again

I fell in love with you and just like that I was  

       no longer perfect

Another game I inevitably play when we talk is called.

"Don't accidentally confess, while being her warmth".

I miss you. I am hurting—can't find a song loud enough.

Hiding my feelings then leaving you hints.

In-between calling you my moon, and admitting that you are my muse.