Dear Diary - Blog Posts

I know I'm fat, but GOSH do I want to wear skirts and dresses.

Tonight, I let go.

Of all the pain, despair, misery, and images that haunt me on this date. I release them to the wind, to the rain, to the earth and let them become nothing but distant memories of my youth. I move forward holding the love, the warmth, and the joy that those years with you brought me. I will celebrate the life of all of those I hold dear. I will not dwell in death, but I will flourish in the gifts you all gave me.

This day has held me hostage for my entire life, but I felt you today. I felt you in that moment where the rain picked up and you cried with me. I felt your acknowledgement of me, my love, and my promise to surrender my grief. I stood lighter, the world felt brighter- my ears even popped, and I could hear more clearly!

I will carry forward the happiness we created.

I'm so vanilla, but making dinner for myself and my husband feels so rewarding. Him saying how delicious it tastes, just the act of cooking when I slow down and do it mindfully, the outcome of eating something you made. Even something just like mac & cheese.

Enjoy the mundane things.

i miss when houses had character

now everything is gutted and flipped to look like stale white bread

why take the character out of the house? where's the charm? why did you remove all the love that went into it?

It is December 26th, 2024 and I have fully filled two journals I've owned since at least 2019. From front to back they are filled with random things that crossed my mind, notes of my interests, and things I never felt safe to share.

I am proud of filling them. Proud they are no longer blank pages. Excited to start in the next.

I have learned so much about myself since I started my journey of self discovery and self love in September. I am such a unique, smart, and thoughtful individual, but I am sure everyone says that about themselves. There's so much I have to learn about myself and so much I want to accomplish. I have to work on how I set and approach goals, but that's a challenge I welcome.

I am starting to slowly understand myself and I am so excited to meet me.

I have never seen Wicked and I've only absorbed what I know through social media and I am under the impression it's a high school drama about two girls dealing with their lesbian feelings for one another. Also they're witches.

Today is difficult. I am not ready for it.

November came in like the first freeze of winter. Beautiful, but cold and frustrating. I didn't take time to prepare for the change of autumn into winter. I didn't concern myself with the shortening of days and the long stretches of night. This led me into a whirlwind of panic and November clung to me like ice.

December won't be "my month", but it will be a collection of days I will work through bravely. I will continue to move forward and I know I will trip and stumble, but I have to keep my head up and I can't let those moments hold me back.

So I hope all of you welcome this final month of 2024 and all of its challenges. I hope you hold onto the happy memories of this year and use them as your strength while we coast into the next.

"Autumn is my favorite season!" Everything proceeds to go wrong in Autumn.

and i give up.

i am stressed, i am anxious, i am depressed, and i am manic. i feel like since the end of October, everything has decided to just stop being good for me, personally. yes this is a first world problem, yes i'm going to whine about it because i just spent 20 minutes crying in the shower.

finances are getting tight for multiple reasons, and of course our bed breaks and then, on queue, the car needs a pricey fix that also means we cannot drive it as often or as far as we want.

i decide that i'll make my home a little better but just fixing it up! it'll benefit us and the landlord might appreciate it! i get prepped and then find out that we were told wrong and i cannot finish the work i started. great.

trying to get my outside time and enjoying the company of the neighbor's cat! chair suddenly crumbles under me and i topple off the side of the porch. ouch.

i gave up on trying to fix the keurig i was gifted last holiday because i just cannot get it to work.

my cats have terrible breath and i am really concerned about their teeth and health. they seem fine, but the bad breath is worrying.

all of my self-development work and my work toward helping my mental health just flew out the window at the start of the month because i just felt it in my gut that something bad was going to happen and everything did at once.

all i can do is cry. i feel helpless. i have no sense of control over anything. i can't do anything to fix it all. my therapist said she was proud of me, but i can't even feel proud of myself now. i'm giving up. i just don't know what to do anymore.

I am thinking of making a physical photo album. I know everything is digital, but if the internet suddenly vanishes... everything is lost. I miss physical media. I think, for some things, I'll start collecting it again.

There's so many things I want to do, but some of them are for the wrong reasons. I'm gathering hobbies and things I want to start pursuing because I feel like I need to do more. But do I? I would like to have something tangible to focus on, but do I need to overwhelm myself with a ton of hobbies to keep me busy? Why can't I find something that just feels good and enjoyable to do?

I'm having a tough time.

i cry a lot, but i am so productive

When the neighbor's cat comes running to welcome you home, walks you to the door, then tries to come in with you. I am the Cat Lady. I guess I got adopted.

I finally sat down and (re)watched the first 3 seasons of Stranger Things. I love the first season, the second season was okay and still a joy to watch. The third season fell off for me and ended at a place where I thought “What else is there now? This is a strong ending.”

Then I saw the mid-roll credit scene and it annoyed me. While I understand not wanting to drop a cash cow, it feels like it is losing all the fun and mystery. I am unsure if I’ll watch season 4 and 5 for any reason except to just finish it.

The unicorn lived in a lilac wood, and she lived all alone. She was very old, though she did not know it, and she was no longer the careless color of seafoam, but rather the color of snow falling on a moonlit night.

Though this story has been my favorite and the most influential tale in my life, I have never taken the time to read the book. That changes now. I feel like a child again reading the pages and my heart is so excited to finally have the full tale.

Earlier this week I hit 150 days straight on my goal app. This little app has helped me so much when it comes to getting things done and reminding myself to take time for me. 150 days isn’t too many when it’s over the year, but I haven’t missed a day since I started using it. Finch has really given me a sense of consistency and success. (Not sponsored, I just really love this app.) So congratulations to me! I’m making so much progress and doing well.

I am trying to start small and build my way up, but experimenting and adding new things in would work. I'm so hesitant because it won't be aesthetic but that's not the point of journaling, right? Thank you for your input! I appreciate you!

I have started to journal over the past month, but I use a simple hardcover notebook with lined paper. While I think it's very useful, I am interested in other types of journals like bullet journals and traveler's journals. I am not sure which would be best for me, though?

I don't really keep track of things like my water intake, what books I read, and daily tasks in my journal, but I do write a lot of my thoughts, my spiritual journey, mood at the start/end of the day, gratitude, etc.

I don't know how I could really work these all into a cohesive place and what type of journal to even begin with in the first place. I would love suggestions and insight from anyone who's had a similar problem. Thank you!

I have started to journal over the past month, but I use a simple hardcover notebook with lined paper. While I think it's very useful, I am interested in other types of journals like bullet journals and traveler's journals. I am not sure which would be best for me, though?

I don't really keep track of things like my water intake, what books I read, and daily tasks in my journal, but I do write a lot of my thoughts, my spiritual journey, mood at the start/end of the day, gratitude, etc.

I don't know how I could really work these all into a cohesive place and what type of journal to even begin with in the first place. I would love suggestions and insight from anyone who's had a similar problem. Thank you!

As I read through this book, I am confronted over and over again with my mistaken understandings of terms and with how I do not really know myself.

I have adopted beliefs about myself from outside sources and ascribed that those are who I am. I haven't ever really taken time to get to know me because I thought others would know me better. I know it is not too late in my life for me to figure myself out and learn about myself... so I think I will.

October will be a month about myself (and my marriage). I'll be offline during October and whatever posts will be what is left in my queue. If anyone wants to keep in touch through October, please privately message me so we can exchange Discord information.

Blessings to you guys. All my love.

It's been a rough two weeks. Today has been the first time I've felt any kind of peace and my mania has settled. I forget that handwriting things is such a treat for me. Though I dislike my hand writing, working slowly and jotting things down in a "pretty" way really gives me a sense of peace and accomplishment. Today I started writing recipes from websites I like down in a notebook. It'll work for now. I even got help.

I know I was going to separate all my FFXIV stuff to a side blog, but my husband and best friend are right (as usual) and know me. I go through phases of wanting to organize everything and then giving up and combining it all again because it becomes a hassle. I think I need to step back from social media for a while soon. I believe it's getting to me.

I think getting more hands on is definitely my goal for the next month. To do more instead of just peering at it from across the table.

Perhaps I am starting too many things at once.

I wish to find my place in my spirituality, but at the same time I wonder if my heritage would offer me anything. I am half Mexican/half Caucasian, but I was raised Caucasian and had little to no contact with my Hispanic family after the age of 3. Because of this... I know nothing about my Mexican bloodline.

I do not know anything about the culture, the beliefs, the celebrations, very little about the food, and I can barely speak Spanish. I want to get in touch with these roots, also. Part of me feels that I am too late, however, and pushes back against it.

How do I even start? Where do I begin? Do I postpone my spiritual journey and focus on my heritage instead? I am overwhelming myself, as I often do, and these past two weeks have been rather awful... it's all compounding and I don't know what to do to get back on my feet.