"Women, They Have Minds, And They Have Souls, As Well As Just Hearts. And They’ve Got Ambition, And

"That's the real sickness here, your righteousness and hypocrisy. It's the simple fact that you can't live by the rules you set, yet you still pretend. This is your world. You bulit this. If it's too strict, tear it the fuck down. But don't look at me. Don't take your hate out on me, I just got here. And I have no clue where to go, because from the moment I arrived, all I was ever given were orders. 'Smile. Open up. Cross your legs. Speak softer. Scream louder. Be quiet. Be confident. Be an angel. Be a whore. Be a princess. Be anything you want to be'...."

~Assassination nation, 2018.

"I am always jealous. I am ALWAYS jealous. No matter how much I have. I am always wanting more. I can't be filled. I can't be enough. I can't get everything. I want more. I want more. And I have so much love, blessings, accomplishments, money, talent----more than I deserve for free and I still chase for more. I still scoff at other's happiness. I still wish for their failures. I pray for their downfall. I want to see them get beautifully destroyed, just because I don't want to see them succeed. I still want what they have even if in reality, I don't need it, I want it so they can't have it. I am so petty, so mean, so ill. No wonder no one likes me. I am filled with so much hate and despair and spite that I could never ever have enough"

~one of my unfinished novels. <3

An INTP view of life: Part 3

ENFP: what if we press both the accelerator and the break at the same time?

INTP: the car takes a screenshot, you want to see?

ENFP: yes :)

ESTJ: Get the fuck out of my car, both of you.

....................................

INTJ: do you hate it that people are calling us the "sociopathic twins"?

INTP: Not really, it makes us seem even more unapproachable and intimidating. Look at the bright side, everyone will avoid us and leave us alone!!!

INTJ: that's true. I would actually prefer that. Look ENTP and ENTJ are fighting again, want some popcorn?

INTP: *HIGH FIVES*

....................................

ISFP: How do I tell my crush I like them?

INTP: is your crush someone you think is out of your league?

ISFP: yeah....I think so

INTP: don't worry, tell them you like them and if they turn you down I have booked flight tickets for you to move to another country.

ISFP:....should I not be worried?

....................................

ESTP: hey, I heard you are a chemistry student.

INTP: let me guess you are wondering if I have a meth lab in my basement

ESTP: Of course not, I am not accusing you of that!

INTP: *leans in* My prices are fixed, 50% off for a six months subscription.

ESTP: I like your attitude!

....................................

After Bunny's death: Richard decides to say his internal monologue aloud (this is not a passage from the book)

Richard: "The view of the red blood mixing in with the soil shows how one's sins taint the purity of life. Bunny falls to his death in the beautiful light of the dusk, as his friends are celebrating one day well spent, he lays in between rocks and the broken bottle of wine, to show the morbid display of the youth of today. What a great life he could have had if not to commit treason against the people who trusted him. And what irony is it that he is pushed to his death by the same people who he had spent hours beside as a friend. That is the biggest truth of life, for its unpredictability is what makes life far more terrifying than death itself. The soil has become red with Bunny's blood; the wind blows, snow has started to fall to bury the remains of one cheery, smiling boy. What a beautiful sight it is to see someone die in front of you, it shows how aesthetics remain even in death"

Camilla, Charles and Francis: What the fuck Richard? 😶😶😶

Henry: *gives an approving nod* that is exactly what I was thinking, you took words from my mouth.

(PS: Richard's unhinged monologues give me life every time I read TSH. Also I believe Richard and Henry have a spiritual connection)

Dinner table conversation in my family:

Mom (ISFJ): I tried really hard to make all of your favourite dishes!

Grandma (ESFJ): That is so sweet dear!

Dad (ESTJ): You know I told you I want to try and eat healthy boiled vegetables and you STILL made my favourite food?

Me (INTP): *I did not want to sit with them and make them see my wierd eating habits* I don't like any of these food.

Mom (ISFJ): Too bad you have to eat it....NOW

Grandma (ESFJ): Let's pray to god before eating and thank them for the food.

Me (INTP): Why do we have to pray to god when they don't exist and did nothing for us?

Mom (ISFJ): just do what you are told

Me, turns to dad (INTP): didn't you tell me to have my own opinions and ideas about the world?

Dad (ESTJ): I am not saying you are wrong but.....if you want to have food you have to go by the rules. Just pray.

Me (INTP): I am not praying to anyone. I don't care if you take my food away! I am NOT changing my beliefs!

Grandma, upset (ESFJ): why are you like this, where did we do wrong?

Mom (ISFJ): Just be thankful then, okay? I don't have patience for a debate.

Everyone: thank you god for the food we received and for everything you did for us.

Me (INTP): Thank you mom for making the food, thank you grandma for helping in preparing it and thank you dad for buying the groceries.

Me (INTP): you told me to be more thankful, I was. There's always loop holes.

Dad (ESTJ): *hides smirk*

"If you had a friend who had no interest in writing, and they try to write and write better than you, a masterpiece. What would you do? If you had read and written and worked insanely hard and they are just so naturally talented that they are able to produce something so incredible. What would you do? Would you accept the difference between heaven and earth, a la prodigy and benchplayer? Would you retreat to the belief it is just luck or chance, that there are no masterpieces argument, or would deny it completely and ignore the difference and trudge onwards"

~YouTube, don't remember which video sorry. Quote is changed from orginal.

I feel very conflicted with my opinions on Dazai. He is not my favourite character, he never was. But I feel a weird sympathy for him at times when he is seen as a total villan?

He is not evil. I don't know how people mischaracterize Dazai as evil.

With the recent chapter 122, there are a lot of people who hate Dazai and want him to die for what he did to Akutagawa. For a second, I felt like that too. I can't see children being abused, not that anyone wants to see it, but I feel very emotional whenever I see hurt children. My first instinct was to hate Dazai too.

But Dazai isn't a responsible adult. Dazai himself was a 16 year old, trying to find meaning in life, guiding a 14 year old into the dark side. This isn't an older, experienced, manipulative man who knows what he is doing but a teenager who thinks he knows everything. Dazai himself ran away from home and was suicidal already at the age of 14, just the same lonely child as Akutagawa. But he found "meaning" in the Port Mafia, or at least trying to. When he gave his word to Akutagawa that he'll "certainly" find meaning in life, I don't think it's manipulation, Dazai himself believes in it. An adult putting you in a dangerous climate is very different than when your cousin tells you to smoke because "it's cool, dude"

I am NOT defending Dazai's abuse of Akutagawa, as I said before, I am not some Dazai superfan (which, Dazai being portrayed as completely innocent also irks me!). I want there to be balance in the conversation surrounding it.

Dazai AND Akutagawa were children, they were both trying to find reasons to live. They grew up in the Port Mafia. We have seen how cruel and unhinged Dazai can be during his time in the PM. We have seen Akutagawa, and his constant internal battle with good and evil. These two are not some heartless creatures, both of them are changing for the better. Dazai found proper guidance in Oda, and taking his words, he became a better mentor to Atsushi. Akutagawa was left in the PM alone, so he grew stone cold and ruthless until he saw the light again, because of Atsushi (in recent chapters his eyes are literally lighter)

Does Dazai feel bad for what he did to Akutagawa? No, at least not now or we don't know what he is feeling, I don't trust anything that comes out of his mouth. But he doesn't HAVE to feel bad. That's what morally grey characters are. If Dazai immediately repented for what he did, it won't be realistic or true to his personality. Yes, he is in the ADA, but he is NOT some great person just because he chose to leave PM, even he himself knows that! That's why he felt so shocked when Atsushi called him a good person. Dazai knows he is not a good person and that's why he doesn't repent for what he did to Akutagawa. We don't accept our mistakes easily, not when we thought of them as means to an end. Dazai truly believed what he did to Akutagawa was a pro and not a con. If he will change that perspective now, is more about his own character arc.

Akutagawa was just a kid, influenced by Dazai. He wanted to impress him, like we do to our parents. Like we fight tooth and nails to defend our parents mistakes and sometimes even abuse. He isn't ready to accept what Dazai did to him was wrong. But when he saw how Dazai treats Atsushi, I am pretty sure he felt like dying. Because imagine your parent treating their step children better than you, that's how I see Aku's jealousy to be like. Dazai was his mentor first, why is he praising and coddling this random guy who just came into his life? But Akutagawa doesn't hate Atsushi in particular, he hates the treatment he gets from Dazai. I think considering what's happening in recent chapters, just like how Atsushi overcame his conflicting feelings towards the headmaster, Akutagawa will do the same with Dazai.

Akutagawa carried the cycle of abuse, doing the same thing Dazai did to him to Kyouka, another 14 year old (she trained since she was even younger). But unlike Dazai, when Kyouka is finally free from PM, Akutagawa doesn't want her to come back to him, he stops abusing her, Dazai still is awful and manipulative with Akutagawa at times. He feels happy for Kyouka, because HE wanted someone to rescue him too. Of all the abused children, Akutagawa was the one who never got rescued. Akutagawa was abusive to Kyouka, it can't be erased because of his own tragic past, he also hit Higuchi and seem to answer everything with violence. This is why the cycle of abuse is so painful, Akutagawa was taught to be this way and he CHOSE to stay this way, until he made the bet to stop killing people with Atsushi. I don't think Akutagawa will ever go back to his own ways after this arc is over. You can't undo your past, you have to move on, keep walking, keep living and trying to do better next time.

I want Dazai to get some good old karma! I want him to face the consequences for what he did to Akutagawa. I want Atsushi to have conflicting feelings towards Dazai but I don't want him to hate Dazai. Atsushi understands people on a deeper level, he's going to try and change people no matter of their pasts. Akutagawa and Dazai aren't going to be on good terms ever, that can't happen. I want Dazai to stop treating Akutagawa like shit and I want Akutagawa to stop wanting validation from Dazai.

Now the final verdit from me, is Dazai evil? No. Is Dazai a good person? No. Can Dazai change? Yes. Did Atsushi have a huge impact on both Dazai and Akutagawa? Yes. Is Akutagawa already changing? Yes. Can Dazai be vile? Yes. Can Dazai be soft? Yes. Does Dazai deserve to die? No.

Morally grey characters cannot be good or evil. They are grey. Let them be grey. We shouldn't erase their bad sides and we can't act like they didn't do good. BOTH Dazai and Akutagawa are morally grey characters. They are just different types of grey. Akutagawa is speed running to the light and Dazai is stuck in the middle of the grey. People have the ability to change for the better or worse, no matter who they are.

Now let's be clear: Dazai and Akutagawa are not the same. Dazai is a much worse person than Akutagawa, what he did was not excusable considering he doesn't feel bad for what he did. That is why he cannot be a good person. Dazai isn't a victim of abuse like Akutagawa either, although I do believe he had enough problems already to screw his brain before he moved to PM, living in PM isn't exactly an environment to raise someone right, who is constantly called "the demon prodigy". He IS the demon prodigy.

No matter what Dazai did in the PM, I can't hold a child to the upmost standards. There's a reason why Juveniles have a seperate court. Juveniles shouldn't get death penalty. Dazai committed heinous crimes as a child. But he is NOT the only child who did this. Everyone in PM has committed several crimes. It's a fictional story after all. Because of that I can't HATE Dazai. I believe all children deserve to be saved, to be given a second chance. Dazai went to the ADA and started to use his dark sides for the good. I can't call him evil for his past, when he was a suicidal kid, mentally ill, having a god knows what tragic backstory. Yes Dazai was smarter than an average teenager, but if you have read "The Day I picked up Dazai", you know despite all that; he was just a kid.

A kid abusing another kid cannot be any less tragic. There is not one childhood loss. It's TWO childhoods lost.

(ps: I was scared to post this lol 😭😭😭😭)

Is killing someone wrong?

Slyherin: No.

Gryffindor: I mean there are some people that need to be uh....eliminated.

Ravenclaw: depends on the person and if you can get away with it.

Hufflepuff: YES!!!!!

(PS: really sorry if any other got left out, I was writing these on top of my head so I don't know if there's more. Feel free to comment if you know any other siblings/sibling-ish dynamic I left out!)

Parents: my child is okay!

The child: watches 10 hours of video essay, lives on tea and biscuits, writes 20k words on one sitting, has debates with themselves, hates everyone, sleeps more than 12 hours, has no goals, has no friends, does not realise the day-night cycle, cries randomly.

Parents: I choose to ignore that