Letter #7

Letter #25

I tried to study the art of being remarkable, but by the end of it I found I had become the most boring man alive.

Date Written: 21st of September, 2023

We walk around the city as you reach out to grab my hand, I let you and in an attempt to hide from the rain, We wind up back at your place. Burrowed deep beneath the bedsheets, Both aware this wont last, But placated to keep ourselves here a little longer In exchange for the warmth that lies in another's heartbeat. Sweet passing conversations, thoughts of looking forward To learning the details of each other's hairlines, If only in a future that wasn't destined to realize with someone else. Never quite you and never fully me, I quietly think to myself. The stormy season hasn't ended just yet and for now, The touch of your lips is still an ever present sensation. So we lend ourselves to the shielded walls of early 2000s romcoms And the belief that either of us will ever be enough. At least until the sun is ready to come into our lives again, At least until we can tell ourselves the truth.

Date Written: 8th of November, 2023

Charles Bukowski, "hurry slowly," from Come On In!

I feel so worthless without your gaze on me Stare, glare, bore your eyes straight through Leave nothing of me outside of view Attention to feed from, this insatiable desire to be seen Everyone's replaceably rested in disappointing scenes Wont you please give me pity dripped nice and slow I eat it up past full then shamelessly plead for more Consume me, devour my failed youth as your dinner Make sure to savour every short coming for desert Worry, resentment, anger, lust - dancing toe to toe As long as it keeps your sights set on me I thrive to keep my audience begging on bare knees Anything that holds their vision a little longer Without the only lenses that saw me kindly How could I ever see myself the same? Maybe it's why I search for affection in others despair Why I've chosen to dance, and bleed, and die Come, watch me violently wither by my own hands So long as it's witnessed, so long as it's real I don't care if you hate me, just say my name

Date Written: 28th of November, 2023

Letter #16

You tempt and toy with my mind as your playground Never settling, never quenched My emotions are your strings As you move you play melodies You ask me to tell you about all the ways one can be bad I felt my stomach retreat upon it's mention Unassuming expectations for the storm you lit within Rather than words I would show you Slowly, fervently Lacing each second of your intrigue with worship But these requests from your lips I can never accept Saving tongue-tied advances for strangers beds instead Self reflection set a boundary around your sneakers "A line where no love may land" And through tangled heat I know we'd cross it My heart unfit already shivering at your voice so sweet The game you're playing caught all my thoughts off guard Begging me as I remind you of the rules you made My muse your words are cruel Feigned innocence far crueler With each bated breath my morals are in agony Truly you bring out the worst in me

Date Written: 29th of August, 2023

I do not want a conditional love. I will not be the girl who is only loved when it is convenient. I will not be the girl who is only loved when the time is right. I will not be the girl who is only loved when her shape is appropriate. I will not be the girl who is only loved when you decide she deserves it. I would rather live loveless for the whole of my life than compromise for even a second and live a life being told I am not enough as I am, all the time. Because I will love with the ferocity of a blazing sun, unconditional and eternal - so why can I not want the same? It is not impossible, I am wholly capable and exist as proof that it can be done. Any excuse otherwise is simply worthless, a lie to pretend infatuation could ever be love. Love is loud and obnoxious and treats your insides like a poison. It ruins your mind, your soul, your touch, your heart. It takes every part of your being and makes it it's own, as if they never belonged to you in the first place. The only cure is them and their happiness. You can handle the pain if it is in their name, you can take the fire.. but if it's true, they will never let you - because they would feel the same flames of hell without you. I want that. I won't settle for less.

Date Written: 10th of November, 2023

Letter #22

I stood at the beginning of the street My childhood home staring back at me Six lanes of heavy traffic between us A house you haven't lived in for years A house I have tried everything to forget Does your ghost still haunt it's walls Or did you find what you were looking for At the end of all those vices you sought An entire lifetime spent dormantly waiting Patient, silent, without cause for thought For a moment I set memories of you aside Absorbing all the fresh window cracks Every old fern I once planted in it's yard How lively those new neon curtains are Screaming eccentricity is a skill The passing of time is one merciless beast Worse for wear, yet it's warmth still sings With a bitter-sweet smile, I close my eyes Content to know the clock will continue It's a different home now, a new story My presence wouldn't fit there anymore And what a wonderful thing that is indeed Farewell, may we never meet again

Date Written: 10th of September, 2023

It was such an odd experience revisiting my old house.

I was simply on my way to a bus stop from my friend's place and entirely forgot what street I was on. I hadn't expected to see it, until I looked up to turn the corner and saw it there just staring back at me. Good memories, bad memories, mostly things I'd like to forget. All of it came back to me at once and it froze me for a moment. I hated life almost every moment I spent there, constantly in and out of psych wards growing up just wishing I didn't have to exist.. And it felt nice viewing it with eyes that no longer fueled themselves off of anguish. It felt really, really nice. My love for the sweet parts of my childhood will remain eternal, but never in a million years would I wish to go back. I like who I am now, I'm doing well and dare I say I almost feel human for once. The distance is home to me now, warm and forgiving. I'm grateful for the road between us.

Red wine.

Bitter red wine.

Traces on lips, perhaps intoxicing lipstick

Dry but soothes the throat

I bloat from a cup

And undress the tender booze

A buzz kicks and i daydream numb

I crumble up the soft voice

Telling me be gentle this time

I smoke a cigarette and i let my friend talk.

I won't be cruel i say

As i drink another sip from a brassy cup

The throat is wet

And speaks less

And mind wants to tear up the silence

A crime scene where blood is in a bottle

Soon in our throat

I bloat again, but this time from a bottle

Hopefully i will kiss you and your unraveled secrets

Just because you are my friend

You need a lever and a helping hand

As i look at you, you seem like walking away.

But your Cognac turns your eyes back to mine.

Don't sweat it, don't sway it.

Just speak up and let's talk it out

Our broken parts.

Our bitter cracks

With a taste own Cognac and red wine

We hit each other with darts, our broken parts.

Let us listen and drink couple more past nine.

By Marko Tivanovac

Letter #4

It rained in my head for years But look at all the flowers that bloomed from it As they grew I thought of us Our resilience created such beauty Now, as they come to wilt I find myself thinking solely of you

Date Written: 7th of August, 2023

Letter #15

I still think about you some days - Most days. It's been hard not to when the home you made for yourself in my heart was left to ache without any remedy or closure to sooth it. I wonder what you're doing now days, and who you're doing it with. The thought doesn't fuel jealousy through my veins so much as it does a sense of melancholic acceptance, as I know no matter where you found yourself, it wasn't somewhere I belonged. I hope you're going well, that your same bad jokes and unjustified confidence still annoy yet endear you into the lives of everyone you meet. Getting over you has been hard, impossible maybe, I'm unsure. Years in and my journey still isn't over. But, I know I'm glad that you left. Maybe I didn't accept it at the time, but this space has been healthy. You were a good chapter of my life, a fanciful page I needed to turn to feel satisfied by the storyline ahead. The fan favourite, re-read lovingly on special nights where the comfort of slipping into something safe is needed. I still think about you some days, most days, but it's less than I used to and I'm proud of myself for that. I'd like to think if we ever met one another again, it'd be in passing with awkward small talk and half-hearted goodbyes as our only exchanges - because as much as I cherish you still dearly, some things belong in the past as memories. Perfectly and sweetly, with love.

Date Written: 25th of August, 2023