Just Shut Up, Jk Rowling

the ministry: *finds a solo finger on the road*

the ministry: well he must have just. exploded idk.

the ministry: *sees voldemort disappear*

the ministry: well he must be. gone for good i guess.

the ministry: *overhears lucius malfoy talking loudly about the heir of slytherin*

the ministry: SHIT MUST BE THAT GIANT FUCKER THAT WE PROSECUTED BASED ON THE WORD OF SOMEONE WE NOW KNOW IS LITERALLY THE EMBODIMENT OF EVIL! LET’S LOCK HIM UP

someone: hey so voldemort’s back, he’s literally out there killing people and putting the dark mark everywhere

the ministry: …naaaaah

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Rowena Ravenclaw: Wait, Salazar, how come you ended up with the shittiest common room? We dished out the money to make them equally AND you’re the richest sod out of all of us

Salazar Slytherin: [thinks back to installing a giantass slide into the Chamber of Secrets and putting a statue of himself in it]

Salazar Slytherin: Uhhhhh… taxes [sweats heavily]

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muggle 1: hey, do you ever hear from that kid in primary school with the weird name…hermione, that was it.

muggle 2: nah she kinda dropped off the radar a while back

muggle 2: weird thing though, her parents moved to australia for a bit and stopped talking about her

muggle 1: what?

muggle 2: yeah, like, my mum’s friends with her mum, and they just moved one day? hermione wasn’t with them, though, and they stopped mentioning her at all

muggle 1: didn’t she go to some fancy boarding school? i bet she’s, like, training to be a spy

muggle 2: dude, you’re so full of shit

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The most valuable chart…

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Draco: father will be hearing about this

Harry: …

Harry: we’re writing our wedding invitations

Draco: yes he will be so pleased

Is that a threat, Draco

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the problem with making a playlist for your own writing is that you’re in deep enough that you can justify literally any song to be in it

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draco’s first hour watching baking shows: wow, these people are quite good

draco on his 23rd hour in a row: idc how good her fondant is, if kathy doesnt add more buttercream to that mixture her consistency is going to be all off

harry, trying to work: malfoy you have never baked in your ENTIRE BLOODY LIFE

The most unrealistic thing about Hogwarts is there is no overt petty drama?? There are like 5 kids per year who have to live together for SEVEN YEARS and they can do MAGIC. You can’t tell me the muffliato charm wasn’t used to talk mad shit about people. How many witches hexed their best friend’s dress robes to always be one size too small because they were fighting? And you expect me to believe that people ACTUALLY stayed in bed during curfew instead of flying through the Scottish highlands? Also the castle is designed to ruin your fucking life. Can you imagine being drunk on the moving staircases?? That’s an entire mythology of student stories in and of itself. I’m just saying, when I was in high school someone locked and duct taped a car alarm into a locker and then set it off for two hours straight and I’m 95% sure he wasn’t even a wizard

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