We Were Reading The Book Boys In The Boat by Daniel James Brown In Class, And Because I Had Just Gotten

currently creating an AMV in my head about characters that will probably never actually be part of the stories I’m writing and therefore wouldn’t have any visuals that I could actually make an AMV out of

The first thing that has ever made me believe I could actually be loveable as an autistic person was a dating sim where it turns out that the guy you’re dating has autism.

I cried.

Why I Can’t Bring Myself to Tell My Friends I Love Them

I used to tell my friends that I loved them all the time. If I saw them doing something I thought was cute, or if they made an awesome joke, or if they tried their hardest on something, or when I would get the occasional rush of gratitude for them, I would tell them. Love was meant to be expressed when they were still there to receive it, and love was meant for everyone. I wanted everyone to know that love was meant to be given liberally.

Back when my ex best friend cared about me, she was so supportive. She would tell me that there was good in the world and there were things to be living for, and she would always be so happy and in love with life. She was a small person, with a round face and the warmest hugs, and she would tell me that I was worth it. That I was worth loving, that I was amazing, that I made her life better. My second new best friend does that too. She does all of that. They’re different people, but in terms of what they provide me they’re nearly the same, and in terms of appearance, they look similar. And that scares me because there’s a reason my ex best friend is no longer my friend, and to see the same feelings start for someone similar is terrifying.

When I finally acknowledged my first best friend after moving on from the last one, I noticed she was giving me everything my ex best friend couldn’t, but I was resigned to the idea that she wasn’t as verbally or physically affectionate. I still love that best friend, but those are my love languages, and I don’t usually get them from other people. And then my second best friend came into my life and gave me exactly what I wanted and needed that was missing from my first best friend. But now there’s a problem. Because my first best friend isn’t very verbally affectionate, she probably wouldn’t like it if I told her I love her, and even if she did, I would be opening up to her too much and that might push her away. My second best friend would absolutely love it if I told her I loved her, but I’m too worried that I’ll put all my energy into that friendship only to slowly realise that I’m not getting anything back.

I want to love them. I do love them. And I always thought it was a cliché motivation when a character was like “I’ve been hurt before and I don’t want to be hurt again”, but that is exactly how I feel and I couldn’t even trust my second best friend when she told me that she would always care about me because that’s what I told my ex best friend and now I hate her with a burning passion. I hate songs like “Night Changes” or “The One That Got Away” because they remind me that something you think will be infinite could end within a moment, and I hate reading fanfics where characters end up far away from each other with no possible way of regaining the relationship they had before and/or in canon because that’s the truth of life. People will come and go and you can’t do anything about it. Love is never going to be enough if it’s only going one way. Life isn’t a show where everything comes full circle; there are going to be loose ends and regrets and there will be no consolation or closure and everyone leaves eventually no matter how much you or they care. I love my best friends now but if I admit it to them then it solidifies the idea that there’s something to lose, and I can’t stand that. I don’t want to be hurt again. Despite how genuine my best friends may be right now, there will be a day where they don’t care. I don’t want to reach that day. I don’t want it to continue to that point. I don’t want to tell them I love them.

The X Files theme came on my playlist and then my mom asked me if my phone was ringing, but I hadn’t heard a ringing, and after I started hearing it, I turned to my phone but it was off. I slowly said no, and then my mom answered her own phone.

Ooh, that’s a good AU idea right there. Someone’s probably made it, so now I must go and find it. If not, I shall make it in my own head.

MY ENTIRE SHORT MXTX LIFE I THOUGHT THE GUY IN WHITE ON THE COVER WAS WEI WUXIAN BUT IT’S NOT MY LIFE IS A LIE IT WAS LAN WANGJI THE WHOLE TIME

I’m not the best writer, nor am I social, so I don’t really have the best opportunity to learn how to say what I want, and therefore I don’t really know how to explain to my mom why I give up instead of trying my hardest in the last few weeks of school.

Why do people ship Race and Spot from Newsies? They never meet, why are you shipping them? I don’t see the appeal? I need a full on analysis for this.

Not just for this, I need a full on analysis for any ship that isn’t partially explored or at least aesthetically obvious. Like, Jack Frost and Elsa? They never meet but understandable, ice magic for the win. Mycroft and Lestrade? No! They don’t have any screen time together, how did this happen? Spot and Race? WHERE ARE YOU GETTING THIS FROM

I had a dream that I started dating this girl because she said so and then someone who was very homophobic tried to kill us by throwing some type of gas into the hallway we were in, and the school wasn’t doing anything about it, so I tracked this person down and threatened them because I was not about to let a SINGLE BEING hurt my girl

I cried today at work.

There was a girl who was kind of a new coworker, and I complimented her voice. She was shocked, and thanked me profusely, and told me that she is very insecure about her voice and that it meant a lot to her that I liked it. She said that just yesterday she had been feeling down because of how much she disliked it.

I didn’t cry a lot, but my eyes got watery and a few tears leaked out. I was devastated that she didn’t like her own voice, because I adored it so much and it hurt that she didn’t see the beauty in it. But mostly I cried because of how sincerely she thanked me, and it felt so good to be able to lift her spirits at least a little bit. As I walked away and continued my work, it dawned on me for the first time in my life that perhaps I really am useful, and that I am a good person.

If all I have accomplished by the end of my life is complimenting her, then her reaction alone makes my life worth it.

I JUST REMEMBERED THAT MY COWORKER PAT MY HEAD TODAY AND IT WAS THE CUTEST THING EVER

I have never had my head pat before, but I always found the idea endearing, and then she pat my head as she passed by and I just kind of froze and didn’t know what to do and just spluttered for a few seconds because it felt so nice and then she DID IT AGAIN and I thanked her. I sincerely hope I did not weird her out.