Warning: When I Am An Old Women I Shall Wear Purple - Jenny Johnson

Open Letter to Wilbur Soot

(which will likely be read by no one)

The silkworms out here have no idea what you need, what advice you are getting, and whether there are practical reasons for your silence. We can assume you must be under terrible pressure from outside, inside, and all around.  With apologies and understanding, I feel compelled to apply a little more pressure. 

For every former fan who posts a hateful comment, there are a hundred who stay silent. For every positive comment, there are a hundred who are afraid to speak.  Some are determined to despise you but are agonizing over the affection they still feel. Some secretly want to see you vindicated but are afraid to be seen as not believing a victim.  Do you know how they feel? 

It’s not news to you that you are the object of affection for many, many young people (and a few old ones :)). 

Mansplaining Warning (L’Mansplaining…): A celebrity crush on an actor is different.  Actors play someone else.  When a teenager falls head-over-heels for an actor, the connection is less intense.  The actor they adore is usually playing someone else and the public doesn’t really know what the actor is really like.  You play yourself.  Your chat *knows* you, and while you could argue that it isn’t real, SO MUCH OF IT IS.  They have seen you talk, laugh, react, and interact with minimal filters.  You aren’t an actor to them. You are real.  THEY ARE HEARTBROKEN, and it is REAL. 

The A-word was fixed to your chest by your ex-girfriend. Fandom splintered and sides were chosen. There is a tone that any questioning of Shelby’s characterization of you is anti-feminist or immoral.  People believe they aren’t allowed to accept you. Kids think it’s a true-or-false thing - either you did this or you didn’t.  

They think the man they idolized and thought was the best kind of person is actually the worst kind. Some think they were fooled. Some think they were betrayed. All they have to go on are Shelby’s words, bolstered by the blistering response to your statement from a few of your former colleagues and the deafening silence from the rest.  

There is a feeling that if you haven’t defended yourself, fully, it must be because you have no defense.  If the Sorry Boys and MCYTs won’t defend you, there must be more to this, and whatever you’ve done must be indefensible.

There are thousands of fans standing in the river, halfway across, hoping someone will tell them it is okay swim back.  No one is telling them.  Some have made their way decisively to one shore or the other and will not look back.  The people in the middle are a MESS.  

We know you are hurting.

These fans are hurting. You don’t owe them anything.  It must sting to have them adore you so much and then turn on a dime.  But if you have anything left to give, there are a bunch of fans who need more than anything to hear from you. 

My friend (one of the ‘fan moms’) exchanged DMs with kid in crisis a few days ago and talked him through a suicidal night.  He was struggling with losing you (which is how it feels to them), and the final straw was getting banned on Twitch by other CCs because he supports you.  He just couldn’t bear it. 

I read two Twitter threads today from fans who have denounced you confessing how much they miss being fans.  Both writers started and finished their ‘vents’ with caveats professing their support for victims and disgust for you, to make sure that no one reading would mistake them for “supporting an abuser.”  Then, they go on to describe the loss they feel and the holes in their hearts.  They question whether it is okay to still like Lovejoy.  They shyly ask if it still counts as “supporting abuse” if they can find ways to listen for free. They miss the high they used to get when a new single dropped or a new stream popped up. They say that of course they can’t love you anymore, but they loved the way you made them feel.  Between the caveats, the middle a straight-up love letter. 

Both sides love to toss around the “you’re parasocial” insult.  Who cares.  Parasocial or not, the suffering is real. 

If your PR person, your label, your lawyers, your band are telling you not to talk, *don’t talk.* 

But if not, and if you can ——-

PLEASE START TALKING. 

Talk for hours.  

Any damn way you want.  

Script it.  Wing it.  Push it out in pieces.  Produce a Dream-style YouTube video. Hop on Twitch and talk honestly until there is nothing at all left to say.  

Most importantly, make sure it isn’t short.  More is more. 

Talk about your faults, talk about your perception of what was happening at the time, and your perception of it retrospectively.  Talk about how you are doing, about what these months have been like for you.  (The WSS fans on your side of the river need most of all to know how you are doing.  Honestly. No bullshit please.)  If there are lies, call them lies.  Where Shelby is right, acknowledge it. Take the hits you deserve, but not the ones you don’t. Hit back when it isn’t fair. Please. 

If your silence means “I am exactly the guilty POS you think I am,” by all means, stay silent. 

But if not, PLEASE, for the Love of God, DEFEND YOURSELF. 

 **Now go listen to your team and yourself before taking strategy advice from some fangirl.

What I would like to say to Shubble supporters: “Your boos mean nothing, I’ve seen what makes you cheer!” *By Rick Sanchez*

Haha, I get that sentiment 🤣

Honestly, I just wish they'd take up a new hobby other than hate-watching/hate-mongering. It's like 'you could go watch something you like now, you know? If your only mission is to make other people miserable or encourage hate...why would I listen to you?'

🫣😵‍💫 Or—this is really going to be controversial but—why does it seem some fans only really support a woman when they're taking potshots at a man?

(mid sized essay below, 😔🫠🫠🫠)

It starts feeling performative when people who post nothing but men (as do I, man-liking is a full-time job and I admit I'm more gay than bi), ONLY support women when they're tearing down men they no longer like. And even then, it's surface level. It's not a "you know, I like her content. Her fashion is really inspiring! I loved the pastels!" (Like I dislike ShubbIe, but ngl, her outfits are dope).

ShubbIe is only a vessel for them to continue hating a man with the same obsession they loved him.

And if that's what makes them happy, by all means, they can do it, but they're not made more moral or righteous for it 🤷. To support someone means to actually engage with their work as you did Wilbur's...fan art, fanfic, stream highlights (that aren't solely negative), clips and gifs (I have seen some people actually do this, and I respect those S$S fans).

But if the only content they're clipping and using is just to further hatred of Wilbur...uh, Captain, that isn't support. Nor is "fluck this guy, support women!" That's a performance.

May 10 - A Cathedral in France

The Avignon Cathedral is a looming stone building that stood beside The Palaise de Paipes, translated in english to The Palace of Popes. Atop the cathedrals bell tower is a looming statue of the Virgin Mary. Staring down at the city, it is near impossible to hide yourself from her judgemental gaze...

I have a complicated relationship with religion. I believe in a higher power, I think, but more out of a need for comfort than any real kind of conviction. The challenge, though, wasn't in a disbelief of christianities' most basic teaching, but in the way those teaching were presented by many of its followers. I could meander here for ages, but since Jesus is not the focus of this entry, let me attempt to instead be concise. A central tenant in Christianity is the idea that Jesus died on the cross so that God would forgive our sins. The belief that anyone is capable of redemption and forgiveness is at the center of the faith. While my religion. is used by many to do the opposite of this, I've always been able to consider my christian background with pride because of this.

The cathedral we're standing now in was built in the 12th century. How many people do you suppose walked across these stone floors or knelt before the Lord in this same sanctuary and prayed for their salvation? What sort of things do you suppose they prayed for? Earlier today, I and a dozen other 20 somethings were sat by a french pub in a gorgeous public square getting absolutely plastered on wine and beer...

Those 12th century siners probably would have had a number of thoughts about that behavior. But, I digress.

I've been thinking about this moment and the idea of forgiveness a lot recently. I follow the band Lovejoy and their lead singer Will Gold, know better by his internet screen name Wilbur Soot. For those not chronically online and unaware of the controversy that's been tied to that name recently, Will Gold was accused of Domestic Abuse by his Ex Girlfriend Shelby Sulick, better know as Shelby 'Shubble' Grace. For the purposes of this entry, we will not be diving into the details of those accusations. Google it if you're curious or venture forth to Twitter if you're feeling very brave and patient.

No, the question I keep coming to and that brought me back to this century old place of worship was the question of change and growth. There's a quote for a show called Bockjack Horseman that surmizes my thoughts fairly well, "There's no such thing as 'bad guys' or 'good guys' We're all just... guys, who do good stuff sometimes and bad stuff sometimes. And all we can do is try to do less bad stuff and more good stuff, but you're never going to be good because you're not bad." I've noticed a trend in social media discourse in the last decade of people picking up 'buzzword' and using them without taking the time to research what those terms fully mean. It popped up around the same point as clickbaiting. I hate both trends equally.

Popular examples such as narcicist, gaslighting, and triggered are some of my favorite overused and misunderstood psychology terms at the moment. The example that bothers me most is the use of Narcicist and Narcicistic abuse. Narcicistic Personality Disorder is a diagnosable mental disorder that can be diagnosed and addressed with a professional Psychologist and medications. Not all people with NPD are abusers, and the use of NPD in Pop Psychology further pushes this idea that all people with NPD are dangerous individuals. This mindset also seems to push the idea that those who perpetuate abuse are incapable of change. Narcicistic Abuse is NOT a clinical diagnosis identified by the Diagnostic Statistic Manual (DSM) or the American Psychology Association (APA).

Psychology does not agree with the idea that abusers cannot improve and that 'toxic' behavior cannot be corrected. The Center for Prevention of Abuse gives a list of examples on their website explaining signs that a perpetrator is willing to improve as well as steps that you as a friend can take to help a friend with abusive tendencies. Heidi Preibe, a popular relationship youtuber open with her process of self growth, goes into detail on the steps she took herself to work toward paracticing better mindfulness and self awareness.

The central premis seems to be this: work to be aware of the behaviours you desplay that hurt others, observe the situations that trigger you to act in a harmful way, and set boundaries for yourself that push you to walk away and seek help from friends and a professional when you find yourself in those situations. If these are topics you're interested in, I would highly consider starting with Heidi's video linked below and going from there. Everyone displays toxic or narcicistic traits in their lifetime. Left unchecked, they can easily enter the realm of emotionally abusive. If you see this post and your response is 'I'm not toxic or abusive EVER. Sunshine pours out of my ass at all times.' Then you're probably the toxic pick this is directed at.

Singing in a space as old and as active as this is an experience unlike anything you will ever experience. As the sound of your voice echoes off the stone walls it will quite literally surround anyone present in that space. In choral music there is a phenomenon caused when a choir is in in perfect harmony: Overtones. These are very high echoing tones that ring in the space around you. When I imagine the sounds of angels speaking, I like to imagine they sound a bit like that. Those notes will only appear if ever singer is in tune and is completely in sink with one another. As always, communication and understanding among the vocalists is key. If your a 12th century farming begging the lordes forgiveness in a place as holy as this, I could see how a moment like that might leave an impact.

But now, it's time to turn the page to another snapshot of another moment in time. Perhaps we'll come back to this idea though. But that is for another time.

------

Adendum - This post is in no way meant to suggest or imply abusive behaviour by eaither party mentioned above. All we have at this moment are statements and I will not be giving a full definitive answer om what I believe happened here until more information has come forward from both parties. This is merely a discussion on forgiveness and personal growth with links to helpful sources. It is also not meant to suggest that you should stay with an abusive partner in the hope they will change. That is a personal devision based on situation and should be discussed with friends and, if possible, a psychologist. Most sources agree that change in an abusive individual is only possible if/when the partner has left and forced them to leave.

If folks are absolutely desperate for my personal breakdown and speculations on the situation the I will address that at that time. If you go into my notes and leave disrespectul comments I will delete your comment and block you from this page.

Sources -

https://youtu.be/moynQi7qT08?si=baTzLjWTkOl4n8hI

https://www.centerforpreventionofabuse.org/i-need-help-for-someone-else/helping-abusers/

https://lundybancroft.com/

https://youtu.be/Nrx_dXx3WUQ?si=-5aSzDedf_QejWBV

Adult realization: you will make mistakes, you will act irrationally. You will commit some wrongs that cannot be fully righted. People will dislike you and misunderstand you for all sorts of reasons. None of these make you a bad person. All you can do is try your best to be kind and just to people, grow and learn.

Have Mercy - I'm Gonna Be Ok

ladies, gentlemen, everyone in between, may I present…

MR NEIL GAIMAN!!!!!

@neil-gaiman

Ngl I totally forgot fandom discourse was a thing. I don’t care man, I have car payments

The dark brown sunspots sprinkled across my shoulders show that, once upon a time, I stood under in the suns relentless rays without adaquate sun protection. The excuse I gave my mother was, "I'll burn now and let it turn into a dark tan. Then I won't need sunscreen all summer." This was not correct, and time has instead shown that mothers are usually right. But we were an army of indestructible teenage angst working for the good of board children on a Tuesday afternoon enjoying their trouble-free summers before being sucked into the capitalist conveyer belt as we were now.

Oh well, at least I had a great tan. A kindly dermatologist can burn the cancer off another day.

#eulogytalks

Scars on your body show that you have lived; scars on your heart show that you have loved.

Nina Dul

Pretty funny that everybody on this entire web site is a fucking mammal.

Wilbur screaming in the Lovejoy songs always awakens some primal horny beast in me. His cover of Spiral Galaxy and the scream in Scum are just xxxxxxxxxxx