So, My Parents Just Told Me You Live In My County Of Residence, And I Don't Know How To Feel About The

This was commented and hearted on a SMP earth awhile ago, it’s a quote about Alexander the Great I believe. Before anyone knew Alexander was his real name. It seems strangely poetic and sweet now. I hope he got a good laugh out of this

Sooo I found this, gave me a hearty chuckle, 

Stuffed Egg-Battered Toast

“There’s nothing more comforting to a comfort-obsessed halfling than the warm intermingling scents of vanilla, maple, and walnuts filling their home.” - Heroes’ Feast, p. 120

French toast is a staple of Sunday Brunches everywhere, and it’s easy to see why. This fried breakfast bread is easily customized with whatever you want. Syrup? Eggs? Fruit? It’s all fair game to this tasty toast!

Taking a swing at its own version, Heroes’ Feast’s Stuffed Egg-Battered Toast looks to change it up by putting its toppings inside, rather than on top.

With each slice stuffed with mascarpone, walnuts, and a truly questionable amount of vanilla extract, your kitchen and taste buds are surely going to be treated to that homely vanilla smell that halflings crave so much.

Check out below for my notes on the results and for tips and tricks when making this yourself! Get Heroes’ Feast here: https://dnd.wizards.com/heroes-feast

Prep: 5 mins    Cook: 25 mins    Total: 30 mins

Ingredients:

4 ounces (½ cup, 120 g) mascarpone, at room temperature

¼ cup (25 g) walnuts, finely chopped

2 tsp. (10 ml) pure vanilla extract*

4 (1-inch-thick) slices of brioche or challah

2 eggs

½ cup (120 ml) whole milk

¼ tsp. (2 g) kosher salt

2 tbsp. (30 g) unsalted butter

½ cup (120 ml) maple syrup

Confectioners’ sugar for dusting**

* That uh… sure is an amount of vanilla for a ½ cup of mascarpone.

** I used chopped strawberries instead.

In a small bowl, stir together the mascarpone, walnuts and vanilla. (I forgot to take a picture of this each time I made it. L.)

Use a thin knife to cut a 2-inch-long slit through the side of each slice of brioche, creating a pocket.

Gently open the pocket and spoon 1 tbsp. of the mascarpone mixture into each slice.

TIP: As mentioned in the “cook’s notes” section, the bread is very delicate and tears easily- so take extra caution when opening and stuffing the pockets.

Alternatively, the notes mention that you could use ½-inch slices and spread the mixture between them like a sandwich. However, I worry about its structural integrity while dipping it in the egg mixture or flipping it in the frying pan.

But, since stuffing each slice is a pain, it might be worth going with the sandwich method.

NOTE: Only stuff the slices if they’re cut 1-inch-thick. ½-inch and even ¾-inch slices are way too thin and will tear.

In a pie dish or shallow bowl, whisk together the eggs, milk, and salt.

BEFORE DIPPING the slices, melt 1 tbsp. butter in a large skillet over medium heat.

Dip two stuffed slices into the egg mixture, turning to soak both sides and letting any excess batter drip back into the bowl.

TIP: You only need to let each side soak for a few seconds. Any longer than 5 makes the bread mushy.

Place the sides in a skillet and cook for 2-3 minutes per side, until golden brown. Use a spatula to transfer the toasts to a warm plate.

Repeat to cook the remaining two stuffed slices.

Meanwhile, warm the maple syrup in a small saucepan over low heat for a few minutes.

TIP: The “cook’s notes” section mentions that warmed marmalade can be used to replace the maple syrup.

NOTE: I misread the instructions for this step and cooked all four slices at once. To fix the uneven browning, I flipped the lighter parts to the middle of the pan for about 20 seconds after cooking each side.

NOTE: To save on dishes, I chose to not warm my syrup.

Top the toast with strawberries (and/or confectioners’ sugar), drizzle with the maple syrup, and serve.

Overall, this recipe has one thing really working against it: the vanilla extract.

Personally, I found the filling to be inedible with 2 tsp. of vanilla extract in the mascarpone mixture. The alcohol in the extract doesn’t have enough time to cook out and leaves everything with a distinctly alcoholic taste. 

This would be fine if other flavours used in the recipe complimented the taste of the alcohol or if the taste was expected (like an alcoholic french toast). Unfortunately, nothing here works with it and, being a breakfast food, it isn’t expected. So, it ends up overwhelming the toast and making it unappetizing.

My solution to this was to cut back the vanilla extract to ½ tsp. The taste was still a little strong, but there was an improvement. If you’re planning to make this at home, consider cutting the vanilla back even further, or try using vanilla bean instead to skip the alcohol entirely.

It’s also worth mentioning that the mascarpone makes these very rich. Interestingly, I found that the syrup and strawberries really helped cut the richness. You’re still only going to eat one though.

Finally, as mentioned in a previous step, although the structural integrity might be questionable with the sandwich method, it might be worth it just to skip spooning the mixture into the pockets. The mess it creates really makes you wonder if it’s worth it.

All in all, the unaltered recipe gets a 2.5/5, going up to 4/5 when the amount of vanilla extract is reduced. Still losing points for the remaining alcoholic taste and messy and needlessly difficult construction.

One Pot Meal

A zero-effort dinner with great flavour and fast cook time.

Simple and nutritious meals are an important thing to have in your back pocket, especially as a student. In a previous post, I shared The Ultimate Sausage Pasta, a quick and easy recipe from my housemate’s friend.

This time, we’re looking at the One Pot Meal, one of my favourite zero-effort dinners to make when I just really don’t feel like cooking. Minimal ingredients (two of which can sit in your cupboard until you need them) and an under half-hour cook time make this the perfect meal for when you’re tired or need a break from the kitchen.

As an added bonus, the Italian sausage adds great flavour on its own, so you don’t need to worry about whether you have the right spices or not!

Check out below for the recipe!

Keep reading

How the commercial is shot

Bytopian Shepherd's Bread

This spiced bread, served in thick slices, is made from grains imbued with grated carrots and rich chunks of almond [...] If you ever find yourself in possession of the rare herb known as shiftspice, sprinkle a liberal pinch into the batter to ensure that each loaf yields an unexpected flavour. - Heroes’ Feast, p.176

Carrot cake is something that many of us have grown up with one variation or another. Whether it’s a recipe passed down from your grandmother or a slice you pick up at your local coffee shop, this staple has a place in heart and home.

The Bytopian Shepherd's Bread in Heroes’ Feast certainly lives up to the legacy of this treasured treat. Amazingly spiced and not overly sugary, it is sure to be the perfect loaf to serve at breakfast or for dessert!

As a bonus, check out the results section for a delicious quick-and-easy cream cheese icing recipe to go with this carrot cake!

See below for my notes on the results and for some helpful tips and tricks when making this yourself! Get Heroes’ Feast here: https://dnd.wizards.com/heroes-feast

Prep Time: ~20 mins Cook Time: ~1h 45min (15 mix. + 1h 15 cook + 15 cool) Overall: ~2h 05 + cool to room temp

For the ingredients:

2 cups. all-purpose flour

2 tsp. baking powder

½ tsp. baking soda

2 tsp. ground ginger

1 tsp. ground cinnamon

½ tsp. freshly ground nutmeg

1 tsp. kosher salt

½ cup currants

3 eggs

¾ cup packed light brown sugar

¼ cup unsalted butter, melted and cooled

⅓ cup buttermilk

1 tsp. pure vanilla extract

1 lb. carrots, peeled and coarsely grated (about 3 cups)

½ cup slivered or sliced almonds

* I found that a ½ cup of sliced almonds was way too many. ⅓ cup will most likely be enough.

I use the following conversions in my cooking:

1 cup all-purpose flour = 125 g

1 tsp. baking powder = 4 g

1 tsp. baking soda = 8 g

1 tsp. ground ginger = 2 g

1 tsp. ground cinnamon = 3 g

1 tsp. ground nutmeg = 2 g

1 tsp. kosher salt = 6 g

¾ cup light brown sugar = 150 g

¼ cup butter = 57 g

⅓ cup buttermilk = 80 ml

1 tsp. pure vanilla extract = 5 ml

1 lb carrots = 500 g

½ cup sliced almonds = 46 g

TIP: If you do not have access to currants, you can substitute them for yellow raisins without altering the flavour of the loaf too much.

Above is what the dry ingredients looked like after whisking them together and then stirring in the currants.

TIP: Coating fruits/nuts in a bit of flour, or mixing them into the dry ingredients, before adding them to the wet ingredients allows for an even distribution through the loaf instead of them all sinking to the bottom!

Above is what the progression of the wet ingredients looked like as they were combined.

Picture 1: whisked the eggs and light brown sugar until well combined

Picture 2: whisked in the melted butter until well combined

Picture 3: whisked the buttermilk and vanilla extract until well combined

Picture 4: Stirred in the carrots

The batter will get progressively lighter as more of the wet ingredients are added.

TIP: I would highly recommend using an electric hand mixer to whisk the ingredients together and not just a regular whisk. Although it is possible, it will take a lot more time and energy to achieve the same result!

Above is what the batter looked like when the wet and dry ingredients folded until just combined. This will be a very liquidy batter, so don’t be too alarmed.

Do not overmix the batter! The more you mix the batter, the more the gluten in the flour will develop. If too much gluten develops, you will end up with a dense, rubbery loaf.

TIP: When folding batter, you’re essentially creating a “J” motion with your spatula around the bowl. To fold, first, scrape ~⅕ of the side of the bowl with a flexible spatula. Then, move it towards the middle of the bowl like you’re “folding” the batter. Finally, rotate the mixing bowl by the amount you scraped so that you’re always folding the batter towards you. Repeat the process until everything is combined!

Above is what the batter looked like topped with almonds before and after cooking.

I found the 55 minute cook time recommended was not enough time. The batter was very wet and although it was edible after 55 minutes, there were areas that were way too undercooked for comfort. On the other hand, it was the perfect amount of time to get the almonds to a nice golden brown.

So, how to keep the loaf cooking while not burning the almonds? First, bake as directed in Heroes’ Feast: 55 minutes on 350°C, turning halfway through. Next, tent a piece of aluminum foil shiny-side in over the pan. This will stop the top of the loaf from cooking while retaining the heat needed to cook the inside. Then, leave the loaf in the oven for another 15 minutes or until a toothpick comes out clean.

TIP: To allow for easy release, cut a piece of parchment paper to fit lengthwise in the pan. This will allow you to lift the loaf out of the pan. See the pics above and below for how it looks.

Above is what the loaf looked like after removing it from the pan.

Cool the loaf as directed in Heroes’ Feast: cool the loaf pan on a wire rack for 15 minutes then remove it from the pan and allow it to cool to room temperature.

Although the cooking time in the book may have been a little bit off, only a small tweak was needed to fix it. Overall, I would give this recipe a 5/5! Everyone in my house loved this loaf and one of my housemates even said it was the best carrot cake they’d ever eaten - which I can’t say I disagree with.

This was the longest recipe so far, but like the potato leek soup, don’t be discouraged! Most of the time is hands-off baking and the taste of this cake alone is worth the time.

For best freshness results, wrap in clingfilm and store on the counter or in the fridge. Lasts up to 7 days when stored in the fridge.

BONUS: Cream cheese frosting recipe

Two of my housemates said the cake on its own was a 4.5/5 and that a cream cheese frosting would make a 5/5. So, below is a delicious yet easy-to-make cream cheese frosting to go with it!

It’s a great base and the page provides details on how to alter it so it can be used with other baked goods! Find out more here: https://sallysbakingaddiction.com/favorite-cream-cheese-frosting/

Ingredients for frosting:

8 ounces full-fat block cream cheese, softened to room temperature

½ cup unsalted butter, softened to room temperature

3 cups confectioners’ sugar, plus an extra ¼ cup if needed

1 teaspoon pure vanilla extract

⅛ tsp. salt

The following conversions are provided for the ingredients:

8 ounces full-fat block cream cheese = 224 g

½ unsalted butter = 115 g

3 cups confectioners’ sugar = 360 g

1 tsp. pure vanilla extract = 5 ml

⅛ tsp. kosher salt = 1 g

NOTE: Be sure you are using a full-fat block of cream cheese! Not low-fat or from a tub. As the recipe points out:

The #1 reason bakers end up with runny frosting is because they’re accidentally using cream cheese spread instead of a block.

If using from a tub, there’s a good chance your frosting will be thin and runny!

Above is what the frosting looked like after creaming together the cream cheese and butter and then beating in the confectioners’ sugar and vanilla.

If you want your frosting a little thicker, beat in the extra ¼ cup of confectioners’ sugar.

For best freshness results, store in a tupperware in the fridge. Lasts up to 5 days in the fridge.

Delzoun "Tide-Me-Overs"

“While these are customary consumables at Hornmoot, the traditional human-dwarven trading festival that marks the dawn of Spring, there isn’t a holiday on the eventful dwarven calendar that doesn’t feature these scrumptious meats on the menu.” - Heroes’ Feast, p. 90

Personally, you’d be hard-pressed to find a more dwarven food than the good old-fashioned meatball. 

Heroes’ Feast’s Delzoun “Tide-Me-Overs” bring dwarven kitchens to life with these extremely tasty and juicy meatballs! Leagues better than anything you’d buy at the grocery store, I would absolutely suggest making these yourself.

This recipe is also ridiculously forgiving. Once, I doubled nearly all the ingredients by accident, aside from the meat, and they still came out amazing!

If you don’t eat pork, no worries! They’re just as tasty using only beef!

Check out below for tips and tricks when making this yourself! Get Heroes’ Feast here: https://dnd.wizards.com/heroes-feast

Prep: 15 mins            Cook: 1h 30 mins            Total: 1h 45 mins

Ingredients:

¼ cup (60 ml) heavy cream*

1 egg

2 slices dark bread (such as rye), crusts discharged, remainder torn into pieces**

3 tbsp. (43 g) unsalted butter

1 small onion, finely chopped

Kosher salt

¼ tsp. (2 g) ground allspice 

8 oz (225 g) ground pork

8 oz (225 g) lean ground beef

Freshly ground black pepper

2 tbsp. (8 g) all-purpose flour

1 ½ cups (350 ml) low-sodium chicken broth

1 tsp. (4 g) light brown sugar

1 ½ tsp. (7 ml) soy sauce

½ tsp. (2 ml) fresh lemon juice

3 tbsp. (12 g) finely chopped fresh dill or parsley

* I’ve used both heavy cream and half-and-half with no issues.

** I used Vienna-style Pumpernickel Bread, cut into standard ½ -inch sandwich slices at the thickest part of the loaf.

In a large bowl, whisk together the cream and egg (top-left).

Add the bread, mix well, and set aside, stirring occasionally, until the bread is softened, about 20 minutes (top-right).

Using a fork or sturdy spoon, mash the bread into a paste and set aside (bottom).

NOTE: Apparently, the bread is not what binds the meat/other ingredients together, but works with the milk to give the meatballs moisture and texture! The eggs are the only binding ingredient.

In hindsight, this makes sense, since in baking eggs are a binder…

Meanwhile, in a skillet over medium heat, melt 1 tbsp. (14 g) of the butter. Add the onion and ½ tsp. (3 g) salt and cook, stirring, until softened, about 4 minutes (left).

Add the allspice and cook, stirring, until fragrant, about 40 seconds (right).

Remove from heat and let them cool to room temperature. Laying mine in a single layer in the skillet, it took about 10 minutes.

TIP: Don’t be afraid to eat some of the onions to see if they’ve softened enough.

TIP: Cooling my onions in a single layer in the skillet took about 10 minutes.

Preheat the oven to 475℉ (245℃) with a wire rack in the middle of the oven. Coat a large wire rack with nonstick cooking spray and set it in a large, rimmed baking sheet.

Add the cooled onion mixture, pork, ground beef, baking powder, 1 tsp. (5 g) salt and ½ tsp. (1 g) pepper to the bread paste and, using a large spoon or your hands, mix until well combined and uniform.

TIP: To save yourself time when doing the dishes, line the baking sheet with aluminum foil so you don’t need to scrape any burned bits off.

NOTE: Personally, I didn’t run into this problem while making mine, but it’s important to only mix the meat mixture until everything is just combined. Overmixing will result in stiffer, tougher meatballs.

With moistened hands, form the mixture into generous 1-tablespoon-sized balls (left).

Arrange the meatballs on the rack in the baking sheet and bake until lightly browned, about 20 minutes, rotating the pan halfway through (right).

NOTE: I had to make double the amount of pork/beef meatballs since 8 oz packages of each ground meat were not available. Expect about half the amount of meatballs that you see here if making this yourself.

NOTE: The meatballs will sag through the wire rack a little bit when placed, this is fine!

NOTE: The ones shown above are the size Heroes’ Feast recommends. I wanted them to be a little bit larger the second time I made them, so I went for golf-ball sized. The cooking time stayed the same, but I found the weight of them might have been a bit too much and they lost way more structure than the smaller ones. 

However, that was also the time I accidentally doubled all the ingredients aside from the meat, so I’m sure there was more at play there. Just something to keep in mind. They still came out great though! In fact, they’re the ones shown in the final picture.

Wipe out the skillet used for the onions to remove any stray onion bits, set it over medium heat, and melt the remaining 2 tbsp. (28 g) butter. Stirring constantly, cook until fragrant and a shade darker, 1 to 2 minutes.

Add flour and cook, stirring constantly, until golden, 2 to 3 minutes (top-left).

Switch to a whisk and, whisking constantly, gradually add the broth. Continuing to whisk often, cook for about 2 minutes (top-right).

Add the brown sugar, soy sauce, lemon juice, and ¼ tsp. (0.5 g) pepper and continue to whisk and cook until thickened, about 2 more minutes (bottom).

NOTE: The Heroes’ Feast “cook’s notes” mentions that the sauce will thicken quickly as it cools, and to add extra chicken broth to loosen the consistency.

They’re absolutely right! It’s more obvious in the next pictures but the sauce thickens a lot. It’s also a lot darker than what’s shown in the preview image in the book, so I’m not sure how much extra broth they had to add, but it seems like quite a bit.

Add meatballs to the sauce and simmer, stirring occasionally, until heated through, about 4 minutes (left).

Stir in most of the dill or parsley and taste and adjust the seasoning with additional salt and pepper, if necessary (right).

Transfer to a serving dish, sprinkle with remaining dill or parsley, and serve hot.

Overall, I would give this recipe a 5/5. It was a little daunting since the ingredients list was so long, but once I got started making the meatballs it was actually remarkably simple! They’re really juicy, have great texture, and the allspice-seasoned onions are so tasty!

The sauce is a little awkward to make, but it does add amazing flavour. But, again, the meatballs retained so much moisture you don’t really need a sauce to enjoy them!

Honestly, if you have the time and are sick of store-bought meatballs, definitely give these a try. 

Finally, as I mentioned earlier, you can totally make these with only beef (shown in the final picture above)! They’ll still retain quite a bit of moisture and be super delicious.

“what’s the worst fruit” i hope you fucking die im strangling you what the hell is wrong with you. ‘the worst fruit’… has god not made all of these fruits in the same light???? cunt