Homely Halfling House (Gringerbread)

the absolute best quotes from bdylanhollis's vintage baking tiktoks

• "thought this was a joke. turns out im the joke."

• "you can use a mixer, i just do this to feel something"

• "fold in sauerkraut carefully. or what? im going to ruin your disaster?"

• "can a cake be tried for treason?"

• "either chocolate fixes everything or this is alchemy"

• *disgusted chewing noises* "DEMON BABY!!!"

• "before pumpkin pie became king people ate this....now they're dead."

• "combine all ingredients except for pie shell. were you rEALLY WORRIED I WAS GOING TO PUT A F U L L Y C O N S T R U C T E D PIE SHELL INTO THIS?"

• "im a fool, not an idiot."

• "its like reading directions to purgatory"

• "now we have carbonated mayonnaise lime water"

• "MARSHMALLOWS!! with the m a y o??"

• "chop up your dehydrated cow"

• "it tastes like it's insulting me"

• "and its not just a little bit. no. its a severe unauthorized CUP of mayonnaise."

• "honey you cant dilute a war crime"

• "you know its horrible now but i hope it turns out okay. like children."

• *beans boiling over in a pot* "ahhhhHH BEAN REBELLION!!"

• "eggie!! how many? i don't know. it just says EGGS."

• "did you just kill my blender?" *broken blender noises* "hello?" *insane maniacal laughter* "this is personal now. you swung first!!"

• "why are you good? yOU HAVE A BAG OF BEANS IN YOU!!"

• "one of the many questionable substances people experimented with in the 70s...pistachio pudding."

• "smells like a palm springs retirement home"

• "nixon wished it was this easy."

• "this was the cold war after all. fear of communist bananas was at an all time high."

• "the 70s. sponsored by the color beige."

• "its uncomfortably appetizing"

• "meat and desserts was quite common back then. so was botulism."

• "'honey would you like earl gray or pork?' 'ill take a divorce'"

• "sweet, bitter and meaty. like my ex."

• "don't say it dylan" *2 seconds later* "CIMMANIMM!!"

• "350 for two and a half hours! i suppose any less and it might gain consciousness."

• "its a little late in the century for war crimes."

• "are you just making things up? who are you??"

• *opening a can of spam* "you know ive never been particularly religious. but today might be the day."

• "a cup of evaporated milk?! have you lost the plot?!"

• "i feel like if i do this correctly im going to invoke the spirit of richard nixon"

• "this aint food honey this is a bioweapon"

• "sir your phone number is 4 digits"

• "well i don't have sorghum because i don't have a life expectancy of twelve"

• "thats the power of pine sol baby!"

• "bake to your liking. sweetie none of this is to my liking."

• "this is what id imagine a toilet brush to taste like"

• "this is why we don't perform lobotomies anymore."

• "should be a pale white." *holds butter up to arm for comparison*

• "i bet this recipe is just all the wrong answers on a baking test."

• "smells like dentures."

• "not bad dead people"

• "its incredible. and im mad about it."

• "sift your flour three times. lady your cake has tomato soup in it, this is thE LEAST OF YOUR WORRIES!!"

• "'911 whats your emergency?' 'yeah that lady carol is at the barbecue again.'"

• "careful not to over mix. sorry im just trying to kill it."

• "now i know this is going to be awful because it calls for soured milk. not buttermilk, not milk and vinegar, no honey sOURED B A D MILK!"

• "disgusting wasnt enough for you?!"

• "call the U.N."

• "bake until done. you're a piece of work."

• *plays accordion on his kitchen floor*

• "tastes like a shower drain or a bunion"

• "this recipe was sent to me by herbert hoover feet pics. theres something for everybody"

• "are you nine inches yet?? said 14 year old me."

• "i suppose its better than eating your offspring"

• "oh betty crocker WHAT ARE YOU UP TO??"

• "you could just use canned pineapple. if you were a communist."

• "can you bake a pie with four ingredients? yes! i could also eat my mattress."

• "add three gils of water. was this written for a fish?"

• "i think this qualifies as a preexisting condition"

• "unconstitutional!"

• "its a breast implant"

• *clunking from the cabinets* "i think ive summoned something"

• "it seems to have collapsed. like the south."

• "the slogan for this cookbook is 'it's digestible'"

• "remember kids the main ingredient in pie pastry is self doubt"

• "fry in two tablespoons of crisco. on this episode of dead white people."

• "i didnt know tuberculosis had a color scheme"

• "ive baked a toilet."

• "how am i supposed to know how big your teacups are, ira?"

• "why do dead people like dates?"

• "easy does it. wouldn't want to ruin a disaster."

• "'ira honey i'm going to war.' 'over what?' 'your cooking'"

• "tastes like a boot. like a size 10 boot."

• "why just live in the great depression when you could also have chronic diarrhea"

• "it wants me to plumpen my prunes in water. well i won't be plumping my prunes in just anything. buy me dinner first."

• "it looks like a failed grave robbery"

• "walnuts aint gonna save this recipe sweetie"

• "you know its not bad it just vaguely tastes like a felony."

• "'where you goin with that tuna dylan?' 'oh you know just making jello"

• "this recipe is making me cry, not the onions"

• "are we sure this recipe wasnt written by a cat?"

• "it already looks like the great depression"

• "bake in a moderate oven. no need to get political"

•"don't tell gordon ramsey"

• "it tastes like a question mark. but a good question mark"

this dude makes tiktoks of him reloading household objects like they’re fps weapons and they’re so fucking satisfying

Trick or Treat :D

thank you! it's not candy, but have a beignet!

the powdered sugar more than makes up for it 😁

@.critical_role: We are pleased to announce EXQUISITE EXANDRIA: THE OFFICIAL COOKBOOK OF CRITICAL ROLE!

Coming in August 2023 from @.penguinrandom, this incredible cookbook collects 60 delicious recipes from across Exandria in one legendary culinary tome available for preorder now at criticalrolebooks.com! 🥣🍖🧄🍇

BONUS: In the spirit of this special season and his generosity, a first taste of what's to come is yours with the official recipe for Lord Ariks Eshteross' Maple Ginger Cookies with Turmeric! 🍪

Try it at criticalrolebooks.com/cookies and share your creations with the tag #ExquisiteExandria!

How the commercial is shot

No new post this week either - taking a bit of an extended vacation!

No new recipe post this week, but here’s a cute screenshot from my Stardew Valley farm to make up for it!

See you next Sunday!!

cooking baking

Hot Cocoa Broth

“Rumored to be the result when a Halfling mage cast wish to find the perfect fireside beverage, this salty, sweet, and spicy cocoa creation tickles every part of the soul.“ - Heroes’ Feast, p. 188

There’s nothing quite as special as a steaming cup of hot chocolate after an afternoon at the skating rink. Rich and warm - it’s the perfect drink to bring life back to freezing fingers and toes.

Full of chocolaty-deliciousness and a kick of cinnamon, the Hot Cocoa Broth from Heroes’ Feast is like having a Starbucks hot chocolate at home at a fraction of the cost (plus you don’t have to trudge through the snow to get it)!

If you’re looking for a snack to go with it, try out some Gingerbread cookies, Earl Grey cookies, or Cranberry-Banana muffins!

And don’t forget to VOTE in the unofficial 2021 Heroes’ Feast Gingerbread showcase! The winner will be announced on December 24th!

See below for my notes on the results and for some helpful tips and tricks when making this yourself! Get Heroes’ Feast here: https://dnd.wizards.com/heroes-feast

Prep: 5 mins              Cook: 15 mins                Overall: 20 mins

Ingredients*:

½ cup (50 g) unsweetened cocoa powder, preferably Dutch-processed

½ cup (50 g) packed light brown sugar, or to taste

¾ tsp. (2 g) ground cinnamon

½ tsp. (1 g) ground cardamom

pinch of kosher salt

1 cup (240 ml) water

2 ½ cups (600 ml) whole milk

1 tsp. (5 ml) pure vanilla extract

1 ½ cups (360 ml) espresso or very strong black coffee, hot**

* Makes enough for 4 servings.

** For strong coffee, use the same amount of coffee grounds and half the amount of water.

In a medium saucepan over medium heat, whisk together cocoa powder, brown sugar, cinnamon, cardamom, salt, and water until smooth.

Bring the mixture to a simmer and cook, stirring constantly, for about 2 minutes, making sure the whisk gets to the edges of the pan.

Whisk in the milk and bring to a simmer (do not boil), whisking frequently, about 10 minutes.

The goal here is to scald the milk - keeping the temperature between 180℉ (82℃) and 185℉ (85℃). I used an instant-read thermometer to keep an eye on the temp.

I kept the heat on medium until the thermometer read 180℉ (82℃) and then turned the heat down to medium-low to try to keep the temperature around there until 10 minutes had passed.

If you don’t have a thermometer, you can tell the milk has scalded when frothy bubbles form at the edges of the pan without whisking.

After scalding the milk, whisk in the espresso or strong coffee and vanilla. Taste and adjust the sweetness level with additional brown sugar, if needed. Divide evenly among 4 mugs.

If you want to add whipped cream on top, consider making your own!

Overall, I would give this recipe a 5/5. The base hot chocolate recipe is rich with dark chocolate and easy to adjust to make sweeter if needed. Also, the cardamom and cinnamon add a really awesome flavour - it really is like having your own specialty drink at home!

TWO DAYS LEFT to vote in the unofficial 2021 Heroes’ Feast Gingerbread Showcase ft. myself, @afinickyguide​ , Luboffin_, and Samantha Nahra!!

VOTE: https://www.surveymonkey.com/r/LHFG8PD

Homely Halfling House (Gringerbread)

“A traditional treat served in the waning light of the month of Sunsebb in Greyhawk, this style of gingerbread man memorializes a legend about the ancient ruins of Castle Greyhawk.”- Heroes’ Feast, p. 43

Here’s my entry for the unofficial 2021 Heroes’ Feast Gingerbread Showcase that I’m participating in with:

@afinickyguide

Samantha Nahra

Luboffin_ (Luna)

Check out their gingerbread houses and use this Survey Monkey link to vote for your favourite! : https://www.surveymonkey.com/r/LHFG8PD

As the chilly winds descend on Fearûn, there’s nothing more comforting to a halfling than cozying up in their house by the fireplace with their favourite book and a steaming cup of cocoa broth.

So, as we all settle in for the winter months ahead, bring some cozy warmth and joy to your holiday season and create your own halfling house!

Spiced without being overbearing, these cookies are a great dessert to serve with coffee or hot chocolate, or pack them in a cookie bundle with some Earl Grey cookies and Banana-Cranberry muffins!

Remember to vote for your favourite house using the Survey Monkey link!

Check out below for my process in creating the house and for some helpful tips and tricks when making this yourself! Get Heroes’ Feast here: https://dnd.wizards.com/heroes-feast

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