My Chronic Pain Has Gotten Worse Every Winter For The Past 4ish Years. And Not Just A Flare Up That Goes

listen I ended up regretting saying anything about this on my old blog because people will interpret literally any and every statement maliciously on this hellsite but I want to start like. a helpline for people who are like “hey I pretty much only read YA but I’m like 22 now and don’t relate to teenagers as much, it’s such a shame that there are no fun books written for adults :(” because boy HOWDY are there some fun books for adults 

yes, doctors suck, but also "the medical ethics and patient interaction training doctors receive reinforces ableism" and "the hyper competitive medical school application process roots out the poor, the disabled, and those who would diversify the field" and "anti-establishment sentiment gets applications rejected and promotions requests denied, weeding out the doctors on our side" and "the gruesome nature of the job and the complete lack of mental health support for medical practitioners breeds apathy towards patients" and "insurance companies often define treatment solely on a cost-analysis basis" and "doctors take on such overwhelming student loan debt they have no choice but to pursue high paying jobs at the expense of their morals" are all also true

none of this absolves doctors of the truly horrendous things they say and do to patients, but it's important to acknowledge that rather than every doctor being coincidentally a bad person, there is something specific about this field and career path that gives rise to such high prevalence of ableist attitudes

and I WILL elaborate happily

It's crazy how you have to choose to be different and then once you do it's not even over - you have to choose it again and again forever and yes one day it will feel so natural you don't even notice it anymore but there is no short cut to there, just willpower and repetition

Please don’t feel guilty for taking a break or giving yourself some time off. Sometimes you need to rest one day in order to reach heights you previously believed to be unattainable the next. Work hard, rest hard. 

Yes, I did it, but do you have any idea how hard it was? How much pain it caused me? How much it cost? How many hours I spent in tears? How much I screamed in pain? How long it took? How many nights I spent paralyzed with fear? How hard it was to drag myself along by my arms, desperately clawing for purchase after my legs could go no more? How it felt to grit my teeth and bite back the bile and blood threatening to spill from my mouth, as every nerve ending shot fire through my veins? How the dread and the despair and the grief weighed me down until it felt like I was being crushed under the weight? Do you have any idea what it's taken from me?

But you shrug, and brush it off. "But you did it, didn't you? So it's fine."

"But you did it, didn't you? So clearly you didn't need help."

"But you did it, didn't you? So it obviously wasn't as hard as you were making it out to be."

"But you did it, didn't you? So you can do it again."

❤️❤️❤️

Someone once said to me, “I hope the pain eases soon.” It struck me as the purest blessing that had ever been offered over my head - I hope the pain eases soon. It’s so gentle, so kind, so hopeful. So to everyone who’s hurting: I see how hard you’re trying, and I hope your pain will ease soon.

sweet femmes. femmes like sugar that melt under your touch. femmes with flesh to grope and squish and kiss and bite. femmes that wrap themselves in lace and ribbons like pretty presents. femmes that wear pink lipstick and leave kiss marks on your face. femmes that are soft like bunnies and cuddle all the time. femmes that smell like vanilla and marshmallows and sweet dreams. femmes who need hands on them at all times to feel good. femmes who whisper in your ear during functions and drag you home. femmes who wear lacy bras and tiny skirts and like parading in front of you. femmes who like being carried around, hands wrapped around your biceps. cute femmes. sweet femmes. just femmes.

Since this, the pain has gotten worse to the point that I have between 5 and 10 pain free days a month and I finally saw a neurologist for it. And it's not migraines. It's atypical facial pain and I'm finally starting treatment🥳

Can't believe it took me 8 years to realise that the random pain I get in half of my face for a couple of days to a week every other month is a migraine...

I always thought it didn't matter bc it's not every day like my fibro pain