The Absolute BEST Harry Potter Fanfic I Have Ever Read In My LIFE Is "Harry Potter And The Lack Of Lamb

The thing is... The Thing Is...!

The Honorable Chef Gordan Ramsey would immediately lose his shit at this contest because he is a motherfucking Scott! He is British by the technicality of Scotland being part of the United Kingdom.

And legitimately, he doesn't seem to drop curses without genuine cause or for a zingy one-liner.

Honestly, this silly prompt has gotten me updated on my Chef Ramsay lore and I'm just vibing with happiness for him. He's got 6 kids, none of whom seem to be terribly hounded by the press. He and his wife seem to be still very much in love. He's got so many businesses and ventures. He ran the London Marathon once a year for a solid decade.

He almost died while hunting puffins. He almost died again in a bicycle accident. He's extremely active in charity work and a surviver of child abuse and he's just. Yeah. He's worked extremely hard to live the life he's living now and I'm just really happy we - the world - get to know him a little bit.

And also, I'm like, even more craving a Very Special Episode kinda story with DC!Gordan interacting with superheroes. I want to see him being proud of Roy, or talking to Oliver Queen about what it's like to have a loved one with a heroin addiction and the struggle to balance supporting them vs enabling them.

Which of his TV shows could be an excuse to get him to Gotham? Specifically, Park Row. Probably The F Word. Because I really want to see shit go down and Chef Gordan making "we're trapped in an elevator" conversation with a fully kitted-out Red Hood. They're both car guys, it'd be cute to see them chat. Maybe they can swap violent father stories the way Spoiler and Batgirl got to.

I've given enough angst lately. Have something amusing:

Chef Bernard Dowd on Hell's Kitchen.

Imagine it, please. Imagine Tim gripping with bloody hands to the shreds of his self-control, trying not to physically attack Chef Gordan Ramsey for yelling at Bernard for fucking up the risotto.

Is there any way to say “I have a raging Internet crush on your fanfics” without it being weird?

Asking for a friend.

Edit: And how many people would a person be allowed to say this to before being legally known as a 'FicHo'?

Still asking for a friend.

Prompt commission from anon on ko-fi:

“Totally love your idea of Tobi with a baby or toddler :) Could I request for a little comic strip of my favourite pair, MadaTobi with the toddler or baby? Maybe, Mada opinion of Tobi (he’s such a cold hearted bastard) changed when he sees Tobi interacting with a toddler?”

So here we are, Madara a month in coming by the Senju household to make sure the baby isn’t treated badly, or catch Tobirama out being actually bad enough to make a case the baby should be taken from him. That’s not what happens :D Who knew Senju Tobirama could smile, or be silly? Lovely prompt, thank you!

Mitch Grayson might be my isekai self-insert proxy but that's not hurting anyone

Sorry y'all, it's story time. When I was a kiddo my siblings and I got to see the Batman Forever movie in theatre - you know, the one where Dick was around 21 and had an unnamed older brother? My older sister quickly called dibs on having Robin as her favorite character and, as imperious older siblings do, assigned me to having his brother as my favorite. So, I dutifully admired my tragic hero for several months until I realized that my guy only existed in one movie and had no appearances in comics or merch or anyone's memory.

Lately though, decades later, he's been constantly on my mind. I think the reveal of the nameless Prodigy and Dick's older half-sister Melinda as characters wove some new paths in my memory banks or something, because "Mitch Grayson" is just resonating. (Maybe, just maybe, Dick was always meant to be a younger brother.)

Imagine the classic Robin origin, but with Mitch as an older brother; how would things change? Who would Mitch be?

In my head, it's Batman, Robin, and Hoodlum, not the Dynamic Duo but the Terrific Trio. I imagine Mitch as being a few shades more angry, a little harder hitting than his baby brother. He'd be 12/13 to Dick's 8/9, and I imagine he'd be as obnoxiously protective and smothering as a traumatized older sibling, fiercely and almost rabid to protect the only blood family he has left. He's meaner and it'd take more effort on Batman's part to convince him not to merc Zucco. Mitch admits to having a different idea of justice than Batman, but is willing to keep to his foster father's rules.

Mitch is, perhaps, enough of a little shit to drive Batman into reading self-help and parenting books, if not outright therapy.

I think Dick would still bounce to form the Titans eventually, but this time without being fired and kicked out of his home. Definitely would be after a fight, though. Something about having two overprotective, high-handed assholes always trying to keep him grounded. Mitch is perhaps unhealthily codependent.

Despite his little brother leaving the city, Mitch stays firmly in Gotham. It's partly because he knows that he'd otherwise just follow Dick around and his brother's right that that isn't healthy. Mitch has to grow and face his own struggles with letting his loved ones live independently. He's very much like Bruce in this way.

In his civilian life, Mitch is a lawyer who focuses on introducing superhero protection measures, especially for younger heroes. A lot of laws he bases off of the ones for child performers regarding caretakers, pay, schooling, etc. If an adult cape is going to mentor a young cape, that adult better be ready to prove they can provide for that kid, including their mental health and also a way to leave the cape lifestyle should the kid want the out.

Also, provisions for cape-on-cape crimes. Specialized court procedures for people with secret identities, so they can testify or defend themselves legally.

Maybe in this universe he happens to be shadowing Harvey Dent on a certain day. Maybe he stops the events that lead to Two-Face.

Mitch is shorter than Dick, more physically like the traditional acrobat. Where Dick has their father's build and their mother's features, Mitch has a more willowy athleticism and their father's jawline. His Hoodlum uniform has a full mask once he hits puberty and grows a mustache like John Grayson's.

He is unapologetically gay. His social media accounts have steady uploads of the aerial routines he still does, along with silks and hoops and gymnastics. All those Waynes are thrill-seekers, after all. Sometimes he can be convinced to perform at Haly's or in a music video.

There's an incident over a year after he and Jason nearly die in a warehouse in Ethiopia. The Joker very publicly is holding a Wayne gala hostage and is live streaming the event. So it's very publicly seen that Mitch Grayson very purposefully swings a heavy antique chair at the Joker's head.

The trial is held outside of Gotham due to Mitch being unlikely to have a fair one as a well known Gotham celebrity and lawyer. It's an open-and-shut case of self-defense, though the prosecutor leans hard into Mitch's testimony that he'd known the chair would kill the Joker if he managed to land the hit. Mitch cites the trauma of being in the Joker's power again as being the reason why he chose to use lethal means - it's very Ender's Game; "Knocking him down won the first fight. I wanted to win all the next ones, too, right then, so they'd leave me alone."

He does some time in prison. The notoriety keeps him from falling into Amanda Waller's hands. #freemitch trends on Chirper in Gotham the whole time. Mitch and Bruce have several deep conversations about justice, and killing, and love.

Hoodlum loves the Robins; Hoodlum loves Batman; Hoodlum loves Gotham; Hoodlum loves his family.

Hoodlum eventually becomes Jason's title when he's grown up from Robin and ready to carefully and obnoxiously b(r)other the new kid. Tim soars in the Flying Grayson's colors and can always depend on his Hoodlum.

Mitch's new helmet looks like a snarling gargoyle. His colors are muted, but there's still a flash of red-yellow-green somewhere on him.

Grotesque takes to the skies and Mitch flies with his family.

...who wants to bet that part of Robin-training with Bruce was micro-dosing different drugs, both on their own and mixed with drinks, so they could identify if they've ever been dosed in the field?

That would explain so much about Nightwing's "licking things" habit.

Jason is the most impregnate-able Bat because we all know by instinct that he'd rearrange his entire life to take care of his kid.

He's not just a Daddy, he's a Father. He would nurture the fuck outta that kid. He would read all the most accredited books, he'd be active on the parenting blogs, he'd be there at the PTA meetings.

Jason would be that special mix of terrified and excited to help this child grow up. He's the parent that a kid won't be too afraid to call when they've done something really stupid and they need help now. He's the parent who will work so hard during arguments to try to say the right thing.

We can all see Jason "Get Him Pregnant" Todd being such a loving dad at every milestone in his kid's life that we can't help but want to give him that kid.

(This message was sponsored by the supporters of @arandomao3user's campaign to get Jason Todd Pregnant.)

Someone out there is really dedicated to telling me to kill myself at least once a day through my ask box.

Glad you have a hobby, buddy.

For the record, I don't hate Talia al Ghul. I think she's a great character with a lot of complexity.

I just get a little tired of some parts of the fandom treating her as a wonderful mother figure and limiting her to that. She's so much more than that. She is so much more interesting than that.

The duality of mother and murderer has been explored a couple of times in DC comics; her story keeps getting shifted around to make her more marketable. More palatable to the casual consumer.

I'd just like to see more variety to her than "deus ex mother". Let her be mother, yes, and also let her be murderer. Let her embrace dark actions for a "greater good". Let her character be influenced by her actions, the good and the wicked.

Let her be flawed. Let her do shit that's awful. The Mother trope can be great and terrible in their love.

And as a fan of anything in general, you probably shouldn't tell other fans to die because you don't think they're enjoying something correctly. Kinda fucked up.

Unpopular Opinion Time

I don’t ship Sirius Black with Remus Lupin and while I’ve read good fics with them as a couple it usually strikes me as a lazy pairing.

The basis of their relationship seems to be that hey were friends for years and they hugged after being reunited.

I actually got into a legit argument about this once and was accused of being a homophobe. Personally, I think that turning them into a couple based on this scant character development is perpetuating a culture of toxic masculinity. Two men showed love and relief and are now ‘super gay for each other omg otp’

I think Sirius Black is hetero pre-Azkaban and too mentally injured to call himself by any labels post-Azkaban. (He spent ten years having portions of his soul sucked out of him, it was going to take a lot more years than he was given after that to rediscover who he is, let alone have a sexual identity.)

Remus I can see as hetero or pan. He would likely focus on pursuing female companionship over male simply because he is already ‘different’ enough as a werewolf and would desire a sense of normalcy.

And even if they were both gay, that does not necessitate that they would automatically be attracted to one another. It’s a common theme found in a lot of amateur stories that the token gays must be paired with each other rather than seek a single life or date outside of the friend group.

Anyway, it’s 6:30 AM and that argument from my high school years is running around in my head, so here’s my belated rebuttal being tossed into the internet.

(Also I got a discord? https://discord.gg/qwPzVtr I still don’t know how to technology very well, but I’ll hopefully be more active over there. Tumblr’s editing system isn’t all that intuitive for me unfortunately.)

Bro, you are single-handedly going to return Rena to mainstream and I'm here to cheer you on.

I almost don't want to let the official DC writers get her though, what if they do something stupid with her character?

Worst part of being a DC fan is when you fixate on some niche ass character that even the writers forgot about

like, Thaddeus Thawne gtfo out of my head istg

Tim and Bernard would absolutely have a closet full of tailored superhero kink wear holy shit

Asfdhda Bernard has absolutely desecrated Tim while dressed as Spoiler, too.

I will SELL MY SPLEEN to the first person who draws Bernard wearing Zatanna's magician outfit (SPECIFICALLY the fishnets, yes) GO GO GO!!!