/bravery

There is a while since the last time I've been here.

Lately I can't really tell what day it is but I guess that's everybody who's actually following social distancing and quarantine.

So, I am deeply struggling with anxiety over my life. Thankfully, I have people by my side helping me out, people to tell me I am overthinking or just trying too hard to be perfect. I've been judging myself for not be working during this quarantine. I was working at least 3 times a week a studying everyday. Now I am just studying, what should be enough, if I wasn't so critical with myself. I want to be successful, I want to have a nice job, a nice degree, a nice house and everything for yesterday

That's anxiety, wanting to achieve everything now and at the first strike. I am extremely afraid of failing, I am afraid of engaging into something and not being able to finish or have positive results from it. However what I need to think is that every result is positive, even those that are nothing like we planned. Every mistake is a chance to grow, every bad day is a chance to be stronger, every anxiety breakdown is a chance to know how strong and focused you can be.

𝖗𝖆𝖙𝖘 𝖎

✧・ﾟ:*Today’s magical girl of the morning is: Cinnamon from The Caster Chronicles!✧・ﾟ:*

I have a huge problem of always saying that I will be better and never actually being. I’ve been my entire life waiting for God’s magical power of changing to follow on me. I’ve been always waiting for the morning I would wake up and be a good person and it never came, it never happen. It is hard to be so self-conscious, it is hard to be all the time waiting to be good all the time, to be perfect all the time, to never be aggressive, to never make anyone sad, to be always the perfect human being that never commits mistakes. 

And honestly it is not because of this text that I will be better but maybe one day I will wake up and magically be perfect or be magically not giving two fucks about being perfect or not 

Sometimes I just feel hopeless about all of the trauma I carry. I have ongoing issues with inflammatory injuries and I know that’s linked to long-term stress, as are a bunch of other diseases. And so many of my responses to things and how I see the world are colored by the way I experienced life as a kid and it just makes me feel like I’m never going to be normal. I crave but am terrified of intimacy of any kind, and this was only worsened by emotional trauma as a teen and young adult. I just feel constantly detached, like I’m not quite a part of things, and like what even is the point if I’m never going to experience life normally anyway? Like I know no one has a “normal” experience but come on. It seems like I’m never going to be able to enjoy things the way it seems everyone else does, like I’m just going to constantly feel like the walking wounded, never quite able to open up or keep up. Idek this isn’t even making any sense. I’m just feeling pretty mournful over everything today.

life is about getting through the day without crying

Cinnamon buns 🐇

source

There is a long time since the last time I did anything recklessly. Since I can remember I have something, some problem, some idea, anything that I might have to deal with, occupying my mind and taking me from the things I like to do. Hobbies, I mean.

However, lately, thanks to quarantine, I've been able to do this things. I've been watching many movies, which might seem normal but I didn't used to do as much since I was too worried about getting enough sleep, working out, going to college, getting my driver's license and all of those ordinary things. I have, also, started to read a book or two, didn't finish any - you see, reading on the internet era is a little bit complicated. I've been definitely taking better care of myself. My self-esteem, my health, my relation with my family.

I found myself to be so deeply immerse on my daily life problems that I forgot how to be a living been, I was so worried about being "healthy", getting good grades this semester and doing my best to eventually have a future that I forgot about the present.

This quarantine has been - at least for myself - quite good. I've been more self conscious, could realize how I was without knowing suffering from an ED, could realize how my mom can be here now but since she is older might not be in here for much longer (let's give some 25years), could realize how your plans for the future might not happen and how you should find a way to enjoy what you have and what you can for sure have. I don't know, even if everything changes somehow, even if my plans of 6 months ago don't happen, I know, today, that I can adapt, I can change the course of my life and always be a new and better me. All I need to do is stop and look at myself.

Long time no see